Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
stranger than fiction...
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from
him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
A man in his mid-fifties did a Lorena Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage
and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the
man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition.
The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During
the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's
poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was
able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection
of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be
taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given
a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the
lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After
an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during
a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking
lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell
the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother
started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor
should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore!
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam
and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back
to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts
the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year
old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could
they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next
to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while
then said questioningly, "I've been ****ing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and
her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able
to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and gagged myself
to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
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