(Most as old as a school instrument)
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
If youre lost in the woods, who should you ask for directions: an in-tune
sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player. The other two are hallucinations.
How many bass trombone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but hell do it too loud.
Whats the difference between a percussionist and a drummer?
A percussionist can read music.
Whats the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards if youve got a good arm.
Is a saxophone a woodwind or a brass?
Whats the difference between an onion and an oboe?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and dont play.
Whats the difference between a coffin and a cello?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why do clarinet players drive with their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Whats the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
How can you identify a timpanist in a restaurant?
Hes the one tapping on the glasses with a fork, trying to tune them.
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How many soprano sax players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds the bulb up and lets the world turn around him.
How are bands like lawyers?
Everyone feels better when their cases are closed.