Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
You don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Draft beer, not people!
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, said after he drank his first American beer at a bar.
It's not the drinking that make you feel bad in the morning, it's the lack of drinking in the morning.