Great Thoughts Inspired by Beer

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

--Ambrose Bierce

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.

--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--Henny Youngman

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

--Tom Waits

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

You don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.

--Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

One more drink and I'd be under the host.

--Dorothy Parker

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

--Humphrey Bogart

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.

--David Geary

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

--Dave Barry

Put it back in the horse!

--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, said after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

It's not the drinking that make you feel bad in the morning, it's the lack of drinking in the morning.

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