How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman--
With the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Gotaa good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
And she weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the Blues:

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:

Bad places:

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:

No, if:

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:

Blues beverages are NOT:

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women

17. Some Blues Names for Men

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)

  1. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
  2. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
  3. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

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