If "Cats" Was More Realistic
"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes
and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet.
Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem
to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions.
Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do more accurately to portray
the true essence of cats.
Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had
been clawed and covered with fur.
The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their
Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded
sound of a can opener in the lobby.
When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would
attempt to lie down on it.
In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go
to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and
then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing
A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after
Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking
on the counter.
Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the
The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball.
Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don't have
to draw a picture here, do we?
The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to
Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and
stray strands of dental floss.
Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get
their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.