Dubious Distinctions

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions in 1992.

British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together

Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man".

Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Back to the Supposedly True Stories section or the Humor Index