God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. To better serve your needs, God asks you for few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind your responses will be kept completely confidential, and you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

How did you find out about your deity?

Book of Mormon
Divine Inspiration
Dead Sea Scrolls
My Mama Done Tol' Me
Near Death Experience
Near Life Experience
National Public Radio
Burning Shrubbery
Other (specify): _____________

Which deity did you acquire?

Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?


If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices

What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
Wanted to annoy parents
Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty
Like Organ Music
Need to feel Morally Superior
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Scary stuff was falling out of the sky
My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Mick Jagger
The Almighty Dollar
Bill Gates
Left Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Barney T.B.P.D.
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Sun
Cindy Crawford
The Moon
A burning shrubbery

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Self-help books
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Bill Clinton
Tea Leaves
The Internet
Jimmy Swaggert
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Wandering around a desert
Insurance policies
Burning Shrubbery
Barney T.B.P.D.

God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?

More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):


flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5


rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by March 31 you will be entered in The One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

Thank You,

Daryl, Clerk of the Supreme Being of the Apocalypse

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