Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the guy who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.