Musician Jokes

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.

The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now.''
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?''

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you stop the spread of a deadly disease?
A: Let BMG distribute it.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk," says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the  composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhored by the audience.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 7/8 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

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