The Phantom Menace

as Interpreted by Monty Python

Darth Sidious enters a large Sith Temple. He carries a large cage, Darth Maul slumped inside. Behind the altar, is a middle-aged, plumpish man in a Boba Fett T-Shirt.

Sidious : I wish to register a complaint.

Jack Fanboy doesn't respond.

Sidious : Hello, ma'am?

Fanboy : What do you mean ma'am?

Sidious : (Pause) I'm sorry, it's the Ysalamari. I wish to make a complaint.

Fanboy : We're closing for lunch.

Sidous : Never mind that, peasant. I wish to complain about this apprentice I enlisted not 25 years ago at this very hidden Sith temple.

Fanboy : Oh yes, the, uh, the Zabrak Red... What's uh, what's wrong with it?

Sidous : (Snarls) I'll tell you what's wrong with it. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Fanboy : No, no, he's uh.. Resting.

Sidious : Look, servant, I know a dead apprentice when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Fanboy : No, no, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable apprentice, the Zabrak red, isn't he? Amazing tattoos!

Sidious : The tattoos don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

Fanboy : Nonononono! He's resting!

Sidious : All right then. If he's resting, then I'll wake him up.

Sidious : (Shouting at cage) Rise loyal servant! We must reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have our..(Fanboy hits the cage)

Fanboy : There, he moved!

Sidious : No he didn't, that was you hitting the cage.

Fanboy : I never!

Sidious : Yes you did!

Fanboy : I never, never did anything!

Sidious : (Yells, hits cage repeatedly) ARISE MAUL! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your Tatooine Noon wake up call!

Sidious : (Holds hands out, levitates Darth Maul out of cage slowly. Lifts him into the air, and as soon as he ceases, the body falls into two parts, collapsing onto the floor)

Sidious : Now that's what I call a dead apprentice.

Fanboy : No, no... No, he's just stunned!

Sidious : (Amazed) STUNNED?

Fanboy : Yeah, you stunned him, just as he was waking up! Zabrak Reds stun easily, milord.

Sidious : Now look, I've had enough of your insolence. That apprentice is definitely deceased, and when I acquired him not 25 years hence, you assured me that it's total lack of movement was due to it being exhausted after slaying no less than thirty Jedi Knights.

Fanboy : Well, he's .. he's ah, probably pining for the Fjords.

Sidious : (enraged) PINING FOR THE FJORDS? Do you even know what that means? Look, why did he fall into two pieces the moment a roughly trained flashy Padawan with a fake accent took one swipe at him?

Fanboy : The Zabrak Red prefers fighting as a pair. Remarkable apprentice, isn't it milord? Beautiful tattoos.

Sidious : I took the liberty of examining that apprentice when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason it's torso was attached to it's waist in the first place was that it had been STAPLED that way.

Fanboy : Well of course he was stapled together! If I hadn't stapled him together, he would have threw aside his light sabre, cast aside his cloak, split into a multitude, and VOOM!

Sidious : VOOM? This apprentice wouldn't "voom" if you focused the dying screams of a whole planet through him! He's bleeding demised!

Fanboy : Oh, no, he's pining!

Sidious : He's not pining! He's passed on! This apprentice is no more! He has ceased to be! He's become more powerful than we can possibly imagine! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peaces! If you hadn't stapled him together, he'd have fallen down a power shaft! His mitichondriac processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined Darth Bane in becoming one with the dark side! THIS IS AN EX-APPRENTICE!

Fanboy : Well, I'd better replace it then.

Fanboy : (Takes quick peek behind the altar) Sorry milord, I've had a look right around the back of the temple, and uh, we're right out of apprentices.

Sidious : (growling) What about you?

Fanboy : Me, milord?

Sidious : Yes you. I've not seen one with the audacity to attempt pulling the wool over my eyes so blatantly. Tell me, do you ever give in to your anger?

Fanboy : No. Yes. Yes, all the time.

Sidious : Is fear your ally?

Fanboy : Fear and surprise.

Sidious : I see. (Turns, and begins to leave.) I'll be watching your career with great interest. Great interest indeed.

Fanboy : (Confused) Anytime milord.

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