Things that Needed to be Said

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

-- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."

-- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."

-- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

-- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"

-- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"

-- Rich Jeni

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

-- Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

-- Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."

-- Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

-- Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

-- Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

-- Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

-- Ren Hicks

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

-- Emo Philips

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

-- Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

-- Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

-- Rich Jeni

Back to the Unquotable Quotes section or the Humor Index