MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute
roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the
house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug
while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about
a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and
make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.