We all know the story of good ol' Pinnochio
Who told lies and his nose would grow.
But what I have worked out (being a marvelous sleuth)
Is that this reason for growth is far from the truth.
The actual tale is twisted, cruel and demented-
It was a secret, but Penguin books relented
And gave me the green light, the thumbs up, the go ahead
To reveal the striking disorder on Pinocchio's head.
So how the true story of Pinnochio really goes,
Is that his nose was his penis and his penis his nose.
Don't laugh, it's not funny, it's a horrible thing!
Can you imagine the torment such a disorder would bring?
Consider for example, sitting down for a poo
When the smell drifts to the front what would you do?
What would they say when your nose you do scratch?
What happens when a nose ring you decide to attach?
How about you're picking your nose for a feed
When all of a sudden it starts to bleed-
People would look at you kind of funny and grunt
"A guy doesn't usually go through 'that time of the month'".
But not everything was a total disgrace-
Surely it's an advantage having three eyes on your face.
And something quite fun (that may cause dizziness)
Is sticking your "nose" in other people's business.
So poor old Pin with this disorder was born;
He was the constant subject of sarcasm and scorn.
The thought of school Pinnochio did dread
As all the kids called him a dickhead.
But with delight would they all scream and yell
When Pinocchio's turn came for show and tell.
For it didn't take much to get him excited
And even Miss Teacher ended up delighted.
One day whilst sitting in front of the television
Pinocchio saw a twin brother with a circumcision.
He looked at the screen to laugh and giggle
At the expense of poor old Mr Squiggle.
"Look at Squigs, he's so funny," he laughed to his mum.
"But you my son, are pretty dumb-
If you look at things from a different angle
Your biggest problem you'll be able to untangle.
For Mr Squiggle is creative with his "nose"
While yours just shrinks and shrivels, and sometimes grows.
Perhaps you could start your own television event
And call it 'Where the Nose of Pinocchio Went'".
But Pinhead didn't want all the glory and fame
(Not to mention the embarrassment and shame)
Associated with his nose's adventures-
For example being caught in his dentures.
Over-excitement was Pinocchio's pet hate
A lot more than once it cost him a date.
But sooner or later he turned it to an advantage
It happened one night when he was wearing a bandage.
His third eye, of course, the bandage did cover
"You can call me your blind date" he told his lover.
She immediately fell in love with his sense of humour
But now I'd like to dispell that rumour.
For it wasn't the humour she was really chasing
It was something much more sensually amazing.
The woman's name (to our attention I bring us)
Is none other than the cunning Miss Lingus.
Of course the relationship failed to last
Just like all of Pinocchio's flames from the past.
A lesson out of this that can be taught
Is one that may leave you just a tad distraught.
It relates to the way you treat your partner...
Just like a motor bike and Mr Wayne Gardner,
the relationship will not turn out quite so swell
Unless you "nose" your partner really well.
As Pinnochio passed through life
His search became frantic for a loving wife.
Of course there was a problem needing rectification
One that doesn't need specification.
He tried to make the rest of his body a beaut
In the hope that one day he would get a root.
He started by working on his bodily limbs
By pumping lots of iron, out at the gym.
Unfortunately some problems soon arose
Once again pertaining to his nose.
As he pumped away (as in doing weights)
His nose grew aplenty, to the amusement of mates.
How could anyone love him with a nose as such?
How could anyone love him with a smelly crotch?
The only way his life could be enjoyed
Was if this disorder was eternally destroyed.
So Pinocchio went to the plastic surgeon one day
To get his nose shaped in an appropriate way.
But if you think about trying to turn a penis into a nose
Just imagine what sorts of problems this would pose.