I like collecting sea shells. I have a very, very large collection. I keep them scattered all over the world on seashores. Maybe you've seen it.
I also collect very rare photographs. One is of Norman Rockwell beating-up a child. Another, is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
Painting abstract art! Very abstract; no brush, no canvas. I just think about it a lot!
Collecting old typewriters is fun too! I have one that types in pencil. It's very old!
Map collecting is fun too! I have one of the United States that is full-size. It says, "One-mile equals one-mile." When somebody asks where I live I say, "E-14." Last summer I folded it.
I like going to museums. Yesterday, no that ain't right! Four years ago, I went to a museum of paintings made by children. They were all stuck on refrigerators. The next day I went to the museum where they had all the arms and heads that were missing from all the other museums.
Yeah, It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
If you had everything, where would you put it?
I wish I'd won the Lottery, because I've always wanted to go to a drive-in movie in a cab.
Have I told you about my friend, Gene? Interesting sort of guy! He has wooden legs and real feet! People laugh at him because he has false teeth, with braces on them. Strange guy! Sideburns behind his ears! Gene use to be a radio announcer. You can't hear him when he goes under a bridge!
Today, no that was last year, I woke-up and everything in my house had been stolen and replaced by an exact replica.
I phoned Gene and said, "Come over here real quick!" Gene showed-up and said, "Do I know you?"
My first wife had a Queen-size bed. I had a court Jester-size bed. It turned-up at the ends and had bells on it.
One morning she asked, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Yesterday, I saw a subliminal message, but only for a split-second!
I always thought I was a procrastinator, until I met Jim Smally. He got a birth mark when he was 10 years old.
I remember the time I went camping and got poison Ivy on my brain. The only way I could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
Wanna have some fun at Christmas time? Go to the big shopping mall and get a great parking spot. Sit there with your motor running, with your back-up lights on, then count how many people say, "Are you leaving?"
I remember one morning when I was sitting by my window and a little bird landed. He had red tennis shoes and a tiny button on his breast that said, "I ain't flying anywhere!" I said, "Okay, pal! So what's your problem?" He said, "Winter here, summer there! I ain't flying anywhere! I'm sure a bird didn't think-up this schedule." I said, "Hey! Settle-down, pal. Want some breakfast? How about an egg?" Oops! Sorry!
Have you ever leaned way back in a chair and almost tipped over? I feel like that most of the time.
This morning, when at the Bar, I ask this beautiful blond Mexican lady, "Do you live around here often?"
Last summer I drove across the country with my pal, Bob. We shared the driving so we switched driving every half mile. We had only one cassette tape. Funny, but I can't remember what it was. We stopped off at Las Vegas. I had a terrible arguement about what I considered an "Odd" number.
I can understand people who have a fear of heights! I'm afraid of widths!
One night I accidentally stuck my car-key in my apartment door lock. I turned the key and it started-up. So I drove it around a little. I stopped on the freeway and said, "Hey! All you guys get off my driveway!" When the cop stopped me he said, "So just where do you live?' I said, "Right here!"
If I melted dry-ice, could I swim in it without getting wet?
One night I woke-up and was hungry. I went to the store that says "Open 24 hours." When I got there the owner was locking-up. "Hey! What's this? The sign says Open 24 hours!" He said, "Not 24 hours in a row!"
I know when I'm going to die because my Birth Certificate has an expiration date.
I change my phone answering machine so it has a recording of a busy signal.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day. That means it'll be up all night raiding my refrigerator.
Oops! I just dropped a button-hole.
I like skating on the other side of the ice.
Once a guy asked me if I knew what time it is. I said, "Yeah, but not right now."
I was cesarean born, but you can't tell. However, when I leave the house I go out the window.
When I was born I began a diary. First entry: Why do all these people talk to me so childishly? Second entry: Now, I'm one year old. Third entry: Poop! Now, I'm two and in only one year my age doubled! By the time I'm 8, I'll be 90!
Fred used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.
The time I got a parking ticket I pleaded "insanity". I said, "Judge, who in their right mind would park in the fast lane?"
A while back I got a speeding ticket. The officer said, "Do you know this is a 45 mile an hour zone? I said, "Sure, but I wasn't going to be gone that long."
When I got pulled over for not going through a green light, the Judge asked what my plea was. I said, "Do you know what time it is? He said, "No." I said, "Okay, no further questions."
One night I came home so late, it was the next night, so I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
If sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parenthesis.
I remember my first job. It was being a parking guy at the Los Angeles International Airport. I parked jets. I guess I wasn't too good at it because I kept locking the keys in them. When I was caught on an 80 foot ladder trying to get into the window, using a coat hanger, I got fired!
Oh well, that wasn't nearly as bad as my next job. I worked for a Fire-plug manufacturer. There was no place to park around there, so I never showed-up.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie before the fire in 7 seconds!
I know a guy named Ted. He makes synthetic fur-balls for ceramic cats.
Question: If I was going the speed of light and turned-on my headlights, would they do anything?
One day I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.