Notice of Revocation of Independance
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure
to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 8 November
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
Look up "interspersed."
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australasian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen," but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15%
of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a
world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never been the bad guys.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation,
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