My father came back on a flight from a business trip. The airplane slowed down to a stop after exiting the runway and paused. Two minutes later, the plane pivoted 90 degrees clockwise and stopped. After another two minute pause, the plane again pivoted, but to the left about 180 degrees. Again, the airplane stopped and stood motionless. Two minutes later, the captain's voice boomed from the loudspeaker: "Can anyone out there tell me where Gate 11 is?"
After a long delay at the snow bound Cincinnati Airport, we were finally pulling out (backing up to start taxiing). The flight attendants were doing their pre-flight routine and apologizing for the delay, when the captain's voice boomed: "All you flight attendants in the aisles: how many times have I told you not to stand in the aisles & block my view when I am backing up!!"
My brother, his daughters, and I traveled to Europe one summer. One of our stays during the trip was in Germany. One night we had been out driving the streets looking for a restaurant. Of course, we got lost. We then began to search for someone to ask directions from and came across a German Police Officer. As we approached him, I rolled down the window and asked, "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" He replied, "Of course I do you idiot! I'm German!" Needless to say I was quite embarrassed, but we did get directions.
A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman, who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."