Virtual Hilarity

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him, "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."

Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

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