Lawrence Welk-Isms

(which he may or may not have said)

Classic Welk-isms, as compiled by Dick Wilson, a sound mixer who worked on "The Lawrence Welk Show" for more than three decades:

To the accordionist:
"You go over there and play the accordion. I'll stay here and beat off the band."

"Now the band will play a medley of tunes from World War Eye [World War I]."

"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them."

Introducing a guest performer:
"His act may start slow, but it tapers off."

When an audience was not responding with generous applause:
"I see we have a few sourpussies in the group tonight."

Referring to rock mucic:
"That's not my cup of dish."

"How do you spell conductor after C-U-N?"

To the band, just before going on the air:
"Boys, look like you're having fun, but don't have any."

"I just had an idea that went right over my head."

To a performer who apologized for being late and said he had no excuse:
"That's no excuse."

Referring to a singing duo he first heard perform at a nightclub:
"They were so good I could hardly wait to get out of there."

When he found the Hollywood Palace stage to be too small to accommodate the whole band:
"Fire four feet of the band."

"I'm keeping perfect time. I'll get my barometer (metronome) and prove it."

Then there was the time he accused a vocal group of being out of lip-sync when they were singing live . . .

To the pianist he hears rehearsing:
"Why do you do that? You play too many notes already."

"That's what really broke the camel's straw."

After a jet plane flew over the disrupted rehearsal:
"You know, those jet planes make masonic booms."

Asking the guitarist to accompany a guest vocalist:
"Get behind her over here, and give her a nice feel."

Inviting the Wisconsin Cheese Queen in the audience to come up on stage and dance:
"Come up here and let us see you cut the cheese."

A friend's now-deceased mother spent several years in a nursing home before she went to her reward. Mary Beth always said funny things, and you could never be sure if she meant to. Well into her nineties at the rest home, she and her son were in recliners watching an old Welk re-run. At a commercial, Mary Beth turned to him and said, "You know, I've always liked Lawrence Welk. But I think he was better before he died."

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