The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Lord save me from your followers.
Meat is yummy!
Mean people rule!
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Born again pagan.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
So many recipes, so few cats.
Cats... the other white meat.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I love animals...they're delicious.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
I souport publik edekasion
hoket on foniks werked fur me
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.