Monty Python's Flying Circuits

This bundle of nonsense originally began as a conversation beween Slack and Katzedecimal. Slack had the lame idea of editing it and putting it on the web. Blame her.

The program begins. Bob is seated at a desk. He says in a stiffly formal tone, "And now for something completely different."

Ray, buck naked save for his goggles and a manic grin, strikes a chord on a piano.

Sousa's Liberty Bell March plays as the opening sequence begins: "Monty Python's Flying Circuits," starring Bob Cleese, Eric Phong, Graham Matrix...

Lesson 42: The Directory Tree. The Di-rec-to-ry Tree...

Cut to Dot's Diner, where Mouse is trying to place an order with Cecil.

"I'd like a vanilla energy shake."

"We do not have vanilla now."

"Okay then, chocolate."

"Ze chocolate mix, she is on back order."

"How about strawberry?"

"Zat is not a popular flavor. We do not often keep it in stock."


"The grape machine is broken."

"WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP!" Mouse screams at the two binomes in business suits doing a Greek dance in the corner. "Blueberry? White chocolate? Cherry? Coconut? Perhaps boysenberry-mocha swirl?"

"Ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, nope. Sorry. The dog ate it."

"What kind of energy shakes DO you have, then?"

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmm ... none."

"Right." House takes out her katana and chops through Cecil's line. He crashes to the ground. Facing the camera, she says, "What a senseless waste of circuitry."

Hack and Slash, sitting in the next booth, look at each other. "Lemon curry?" they chorus.

"We ran out of lemon curry last week," says a weak voice from the floor.

A crowd of binomes storms past the Diner windows, dragging a snarling Virus and chanting "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"

Slash rushes after, asking, "Wait, does she float?"

Hack puts in, "Yeah, witches float!"

"'Cause they're made of Ivory soap."

"No, dummy! They're made of wood! Like ducks!"

"Ducks're made of wood?"

"Wooden ducks are!"

Phong is brought in on a litter, wearing a silly little wig and hat. "How do you know she's a witch?" he says, the voice of reason.

The obligatory Voice From The Back of the Crowd yells out "She turned me into a null!"

"A null?"

The plainly un-nullified Zero ponders for a moment, "....well, I got better..."

A One with a skull tattoo on his arm walks by, dragging a cart behind himself. He drawls, "Bring out your deleted.... being out your deleted..."

A pair of binomes are pulling a struggling viral behind themselves. "I'm not deleted yet!" the viral yells.

"Shut up! You're practically nullified!"

"I'm feeling better!"

Mike the TV leaps onstage and announces in the voice of an English pillock, "That binome is deleted! He is no more! He is pushing up the daisywheels! He has gone to that recycle bin in the sky! He is an EX-BINOME!"

"He's a Viral Blue. Lovely armour. He's pining for the fjords!" quavers one of the two other binomes.

"Pining for the FJORDS?!" Mike exclaims. "He's bleedin' deleted!"

"He's just resting! Viral Blue, lovely armour.."

A giant foot comes down out of the sky and squashes them all.

Cut to Floating point Park, with a large tree center screen. The narrator says, slowly and patiently, "But first, the directory tree. The directory tree... The...."

The screen suddenly fizzles and is replaced by a scratchy-looking film title reading "Viral Army Training Film #23: How Not To Be Seen." We see a lower-level section of G Prime. A bass voice intones, "This is where we train virals on not being seen. There is one viral hidden here. Sergeant Smiley, will you please stand up." A viral comes out from behind some crates. A green beam lances into him, separating him into his components.

The deep voice continues, "As you see, Sergeant Smiley has not learned the first rule of Not Being Seen: Never stand up." The scene changes to three bushes All In A Row. "Guardians are well trained in Not Being Seen," the voice-over continues, "Mr. Guardian, will you stand up please?" Nothing happens. "We do not know which bush the Guardian is hiding behind, but we can quickly find out." The green beam blasts the left-hand bush, then the right-hand one. The middle bush screams upon detonation. "Aha! It was the middle one! What a clever fellow he is. Was."

The scene changes to Dot's Diner. "There are many sprites in here, Not Being Seen." A CPU vehicle crashes into it, reducing it to rubble. "And here." CPUs are being blasted out of the sky, which is dominated by a portal to the web.

The scene suddenly shifts to a particularly imbecilic looking binome standing in an empty bucket. He shouts, "I believe there should be a tax on the use of stock footage!"

The scene shifts to an even more imbecilic looking binome standing with his mouth half open, wearing suspenders, gumboots and a knotted handkerchief on his head. "HELLO!!!!!"

A 16 Ton Weight drops on him. A couple of male binomes ones in drag speaking in falsetto look at the scene. "Oh, what a pity!"

"Yes, things have changed these days, haven't they?"

"In my day, crushing weights were at least thirty-two tons."

"Have a scone?"

"Time for the binome on top of your television set to explode." :KA-BLAM!:

The One who was watching it, his chair pushed almost up to the set itself, blinks. His eye socket is empty. From offstage a screechy voice says, "Didn't I tell you television was bad for your eye?!"

The fallen One gasps, "Lemon curry?"

Dot, who is manning a refreshments stand in Floating Point Park, growls ,"I don't have lemon curry. I sell albatross. AL-BA-TROSS!"

An imbecilic binome in gumboots asks, "Can I get a corn dog?"

Frustrated, Dot snaps, "I don't sell hot dogs! I sell albatrosses! AL-BA-TROSS!"

"What flavour is it?"

"What do you mean, what flavour is it? It's bleedin' albatross flavour! AL-BA-TROSS!"

From the next stand comes a slow drawl, "Albatross, bacon, and spam... albatross, sausage, spam, and spam..."

And its answering shriek, "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!"


There is a violent sound. Then the slow drawl again, "Ouch. That's gotta hurt..."

Mike the TV appears behind a desk. "This just in. Al of Al's Wait and Eat has been brutally assaulted. No nulls were involved. But first, weather on Lost Angles and upcoming energy events on tonight's edition of 'News for Nulls'."

Sixteens of nulls are gathered around the telly, watching attentively.

A burst of static, and the scene in the television shifts. Hexadecimal is sitting at a desk, reading some paperwork. After a long enough interval to set the scene, Bob walks in. "Excuse me, is this-"

"No, it bloody well isn't!" Hexadecimal snaps, looking up.

"Er.. where.."

"Get out of my face, you blue-ASCII'd bastard!"


"Shut your festering pi-hole!!"

"I came here for an argument!"

Hex stops, Bowling-Ball faced, "Oh! Oh, that's next door! This is Abuse!"

"But it said 'Arguments' on the door."

"No, it didn't."

"Yes, it did."

"It never did!"

"It said so, right on the door."

"No it didn't." You can see the letters backwards!"

"No, I can't."

"Wait." Bob looks at her. "This isn't an argument."

"Yes it is."

"No, it's just a series of contradictions."

"No, it isn't."

Bob throws down his little bowler hat, "I've had enough. I never wanted to be in this shambolic sketch. I wanted to be..." he rips off his jacket to reveal a flannel shirt and suspenders underneath, "A Guardian!"

A bunch of binomes in similar garb appear stage right and begin to sing. Hexadecimal chases them off with much shrieking and pyrotechnics. "Heeeeee's a Guardian and he's okay AAAAAH!!" "What the??" "YAAAARGH!" "Blimey!" "OW bloody 'ell!"

Mike the TV walks in wearing a British Army officer's uniform.  He faces front and declares, "I'm sorry, this fic has become entirely too silly."

Hexadecimal looks baffled for a moment, then asks the burning question: "Lemon curry?"

Al's Waiter drawls, "Welll... would you like curry and spam... eggs, peas, albatross, and spam..."

Somewhere, a tableful of virals begins chanting "Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam..."

Hexadecimal's eyes go red and she shrieks, "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!"

Hexadecimal steps over to the edge of the stage and slices a rope in half with one swipe of her claws. A 16 Ton Weight falls on the chanting virals.

Nulls swarm the stage. The Liberty Bell March begins to play again, and the closing credits roll.

Many apologies to the original Pythons, and to everybody who wasted a microsecond of their life reading this.
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