(The guys file into the theater. Bobo is already in Mike's place.)
Mike: What the -- Bobo,
you're in my seat!
Bobo: I don't see your name on it.
Bob: (behind Mike) C'mon, just find a seat, it's starting!
Mike: (muttering) Okay, fine. . .
a/A Buffy, the Vampire Slayer/ReBoot Crossover
"Buffy, the Virus
By: Buffy and Amazon
Bob: Amazon...isn't that
one of Jo Ann Montgomery's pseudonyms?
Mike: I think so.
"Alphanumeric!" little Enzo cried when he saw the group of Users emerge from the silver sphere.
Tom: Well that was a
refreshingly direct plot device. `Hi, we're users and we just appeared
Crow: Nah, it'll probably be some weird scheme of Spike's in the end.
"Who in the Web are you, girl?" Dash asked, looking at Buffy.
Tom: (Buffy) Hey, I don't remember seeing YOU on ReBoot, pal.
"Buffy Summers. But you can call be the Slayer!"
Mike: We can call *be* the Slayer?
"Vampire Slayer, that is!" Angel added.
Bob: (Buffy) I do drug pushers on the side though.
"Would someone mind telling us, like, where are we?"
Mike: Thus spoke
Bob: How'd you know it was her?
Mike: Just look at how the sentence was structured.
"Mainframe," Bob answered simply.
Crow: (Willow) Yeah but...which one of the hundred thousand Mainframe's do you mean?
"What? And why is your skin blue?"
Crow: Food poisoning.
"Mainframe? As in Reboot? I used to watch that show!!" Xander grinned.
Bob: Really? I can't believe he's supposed to be the "loser" character- wait, what does he mean USED to?
"SHOW?!?" Matrix exclaimed.
Mike: He should really just relax.
"Yah; know? TV?"
Buffy's eyes widen at the sight of Matrix.
Crow: (Buffy) It's the Jolly Green Giant! We ARE in TV land!
She leaned over to Willow and murmered, "He may be green,
Tom: Oh Lord, no, don't make her like-
but ooohh...check out that body!!"
Mike: Must we?
Angel gave her a nasy look.
Crow: (Angel) I called dibs on him.
AndrAIa had caught every word, to Buffy's surprise. The game sprite looked angrly at Buffy.
Tom: (AndrAIa) There is NOTHING wrong with green! And who stole my `i' key?
"Woah!! Hostile much!! What?"
Crow: Hey, it's your mangled sentence, don't ask US.
the blonde Slayer ran a hand
through her hair.
"Easy, AndrAIa," Matrix smiled at his love.
Tom: (Matrix) I
can't help it that I'm instantly attractive to people even though Buffy really
isn't that shallow on the show.
Crow: Yeah that's more Cordy's thing.
(Bobo practices tossing popcorn in the air and catching it in his mouth.)
"I think he's taken, Buffy," Angel smiled.
Mike: (Angel) Your plans are ruined, you shrew.
Buffy turned and smiled, "I am too...sort of, kind of...doesn't stop a girl from looking though!!
Crow: (Buffy) Giggle giggle! Oh my, now where's my mascara?
I'm seventeen! I'm entitled to be hormonal occasioanlly!"
Tom: You'd think she could be more discriminating though.
AndrAIa smiled in understanding.
Mike: (AndrAIa) Sometimes I'm a ditz too.
"Who are those guys?" Willow asked, pointing toward Chimera, Pixil, and Dash.
Bob: Lame new characters. Just ignore them.
"Willow; rewind!" Xander smiled.
Bob: Everyone's so HAPPY
in this fic.
Tom: Kind of makes you wish for a nuclear strike, doesn't it?
"First things first: What on Earth are we doing in a cartoon show? Is there anyone who has a clue here?"
Mike: You, the viewer decide!
(Bob looks at Mike strangely for a moment)
"Jo, you didn't happen to use your portal powers, did you?" Bob asked.
Bob: What have we told you about that young lady?
"Uh...yeah, I did," Jo Ann said.
Crow: (Bob) Well, it's off to maximum security with you then.
Buffy looked over at Bob and Jo Ann, "Portals? And who is everyone? Giles is this some freaked-out prophecy?"
Tom: (Giles) Yes it is in fact. Let's see, the tome Fanaticus Duoparticus states something like "When two or more writers are involved, crossovers shall follow and yea, a pouring of blood and wailing and gnashing of teeth on the unlucky." It's as if this is being forced upon someone. Fascinating.
she sighed at her
"I'm Bob, Guardian 452 of System Mainframe. This is Jo Ann Montgomery,
Bob: We can't get rid of her. Really. We've tried everything.
User Guarian One. My twin brother, Wild Card;
Crow: You know there used to be a really good book series by that name.
Matrix; AndrAIa; Dot Matrix; Ray Tracer, the Web Surfer; Mouse; Enzo;
Mike: I can't stop; using;
Tom: Good thing it was "Exposition Day" in Mainframe and the whole cast was there at once.
Andri...have I missed anyone?"
"This is just like the show!!" Xander smiled.
Tom: For someone yanked out of his family, home, and basic previous existence he's just a bit too perky.
"User? Thats what you call humans? right?"
Bob: Well, besides `bastards' occasionally for those who use cheat codes, yes.
"Yes..." Bob's thoughts whirled. "We are a T.V. show where you come from?" he asked.
Crow: (Buffy) Don't worry, you get used to the idea.
Xander nodded, "Although it was cancelled after the thrid season; which sucked majorly.."
Crow: (Xander) Did I mention WE have a fourth season?
"Watch it, Xander!" Cordilia hissed. "You're insulting them!"
Mike: (Xander) Oh like I canceled their season 4 personally, Cordy.
"Umm... sorry!! Hey, I enjoyed the show!!! Did you and Dot ever get married?" he asked. Willow and Cordy shared an "Oh XANDER!" look
Crow: (Badger) Oh Toad.
"WHAT?!?" The Mainframers had been caught off guard.
Mike: (Dot) Marriage? What's that?
"Uh...Yes, we have," Bob
"Yes!! I knew it!!" Xander grinned.
Tom: Mainframe. The system on Prozac.
"Who are you guys, now?" Wild
Buffy took control of the situation, "I'm Buffy Summers; the Slayer; he's Angel,"
Crow: (AndrAIa, puzzled) But where's his wings?
she smiled at him,
Tom: (Buffy) He
sort of went evil for a while but he's okay now.
Bob: He and Hex will have a lot in common to talk about then.
"the goofy one is Xander; Willow's the red-head,
Crow: (Buffy) She's
a real computer geek so I figure once she finds some way to hack into the
Net she'll be given God-like powers or something.
Tom: Yay! Willow gets some real muscle at last!
Crow: Attention Houston, we have fan-boy-
Tom: Oh knock it off, you've watched "Buffy" as much as I have.
Bobo: Now, which one is Buffy? Is he the green one?
Cordelia is the girl with Xander; Oz is the guy with Willow and the old man is Giles.."
Mike: (Giles) Yes hallo-hey!
she reeled off
"I am Isis Osiris, sorceress and computer teacher," a woman dressed like Cleopatra said.
Bob: Okay. I think that was one of the bizzarest things I've ever heard.
"And I'm Dracula, Jr.
Tom: Illegitimate son of Count Chocula and the Bride of Frankenstein.
You can just call me, 'Drak'," a young man in black and silver armor said.
Bob: Most people DON'T, it's just that I'd like them to.
He carried a katana sword with a red grip.
Mike: A vampire. Well with Buffy being the Slayer I can't possibly see any conflict being set up.
"We were in Sunnydale, California.... now we're in, 'Mainframe' did you say?"`
Crow: (Dot) We just said it. Great, not only do we have even more weird characters but they're stupid.
"Yes," Bob said.
"Which is where?"
Mike: (Willow) Looking around at the graphics they have I'd say-MONOCHROME settings? Where are we, Russia?
"Inside a computer. We don't
know whose," Dot said.
"Computer...?" Giles visibly paled.
Tom: Wise man.
"We're all doomed," the British technophobe sighed.
Bob: He's such an optimist.
"Why?" Cordy asked.
Mike: At least they have her character's well-meaning vapidity right.
Giles groaned, "Stuck inside an idiot box!! Why couldn't I have been killed by a nice, old-fashioned demon?!"
Crow: (Giles) With blood dripping off my chest and my body torn into tiny strips and hung all over the wall? I was looking forward to it.
"I was almost killed by one, once," Matrix remarked.
Bob: You WERE killed you mean.
"What?" Giles turned, to face him in full Watcher mode.
Crow: VRRREEEP! VREEEEP!
"I was in a game. I was a little sprite,
Mike: (Buffy) Funny, you don't LOOK like a carbonated beverage or some kind of pixie.
little Enzo's age. A bit older, really. Anyway, I rebooted into a ninja and my opponent was a demon named Zaytan. I lost the game, but AndrAIa, Frisket and I traveled in game-sprite mode.
Crow: (Willow) We were with you up to `I was in a game'. (Whispers to Giles) What do they mean `game'?
After we got back to Mainframe, I was a big sprite.
Mike: Big sprite, little sprite...it all tastes the same if you use ketchup.
I faced Zaytan again, and won." Matrix explained.
Bob: Oh yeah and I defeated a powerful virus, helped saved the system, and there's a miniature copy of myself running around somewhere. But I figure that's just trivial.
"'Zaytan'...? hmmm... I must look that up when I get back to the library..." Giles mused.
Crow: Try the computer game rack at Futureshop.
Buffy had sat down and was filing her nails.
Mike: Is that some sort of weird compulsion there? "Oh no, I'm trapped in another world! Better get out my nail file."
"I doubt if you'll find it,
Giles," Isis said.
"Let's get back to my previous question," Willow said. "Who are they?" Again, she pointed at Chimera, Pixil, and Dash.
Bob: Never mind the ORIGINAL
characters over there. We want to know about the made-up ones.
Tom: Were they ever in this scene? What were they doing, playing a quiet game of Risk in the background?
"Oh; we're finally finished the 'Hi; I'm Jo Ann Montgomery and I'm a hero' stage?!" Dash sneered.
Crow: (Jo) Damn, forgot that part! Thanks.
"Zip file it, Dash!" Jo Ann
"Make me, User-girl!" she shot back.
Bob: In a User
(Mike and bots make various `what?' noises.)
"Nice new friends...."
Tom: (Dash) Mmm. Fresh blood.
she approached Angel, "I can feel the demon inside you;
Crow: (Angel) You ca-hey! Get out of there!
why fight it?"
Tom: (Angel) Last time I didn't I got sent to Hell. Wasn't nice.
"Why does she," Willow pointed at Dash, "look like her?" she now pointed at Dot.
Crow: Guess they never snuck in anti-cloning laws down there.
Bob: (One of the authors) Never mind that Dot only had one sibling in the show. We're the authors. We're ignoring the plot right now and sticking in whatever characters we like.
Dash smiled. "The darkness and the light... the demon and the angel..."
Mike: (One of the authors) We're also just making this up as we go along.
"Like I am," Angel said.
Tom: (Dash) No, we actually have separate bodies.
"Well, lady, I'm the Angel right now.
Crow: (Dash, puzzled)
Then where are your wings?
Tom: (Angel) I get that a lot.
I don't want to be the demon.
Tom: (Angel) I never get to be the Elf or Wizard. YOU be the demon this time.
Not ever again!" He glared at Dash.
Mike: I keep on getting
a feeling we should be making fun of her name but for the life of me I can't
think up a good riff.
Tom: Maybe she's DASHing through the snow-
"But the darkness is," Dash looked up
Crow: We'd be DASHed if
something happened to her?
Bob: She's certainly DASHing in her way-
Mike: No. I'm sorry, it was a dumb idea in the first place.
Tom: This is really going to bug me now.
into his eyes and lowered her voice to a purr, "sooo seductive.."
Bob: Or soooo lame. And guess which she is?
"I died in the darkness! I've been to Hell! I'm not going back, ever!"
Crow: (Angel) Not unless they start selling that really yummy candy floss there again anyhow.
"You just haven't had the right hand guiding you -
Bob: (Angel) That's because I-hey! Get yours off of there!
softly singing the deliciously evil music of the night..."
Mike: (Dash) I mean, who doesn't love "The Moppets"?
"Hello?! Sorry to interupt, really I am,
but if you don't get your bitchy little mitts off my honey,
Crow: (Buffy) You'll be sorry, I smack you up blah blah blah...
things aren't gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language and adult content here!"
Bob: Yet somehow we'll still get shown on YTV.
"Forget it!" Angel snarled. His fangs gleamed white.
Tom: Time for his Crest promotion.
First stage of vamping
"Oooh...you're more like us than you'll ever imagine."
Crow: (Angel) I've only known you for two minutes you twit.
"Don't count on it!" He drew back, away from this she-demon.
Bob: So. I wonder what
incredibly warped and contrived plot reason the authors have for this lady
NOT being killed off and buried at a crossroads by now?
Mike: They probably have her in from another story we'd have to read to understand.
Bob: Suddenly I lost interest.
"Poor tortured soul....I sense a talent for cruelty within you;
Crow: (Angel) You're the kind of kid who set ants on fire, aren't you?
don't you remember the song
in your heart when you killed before?"
"I remember and it hurts me to recall..."
Crow: (Angel) It was stuck in my head for weeks.
"Back off!" Buffy screamed. She pulled out the stake that she carried and put it to Dash's throat.
Mike: You know Buffy isn't this violent and normally I wouldn't condone mischaracterization but in this case I'm really glad they're killing off `Dash' first thing.
"Whatcha gonna do with that, little girl?"
Bob: (Buffy) I'm going to put up a tent. What do you THINK?
"Kill you. You're a vampire, aren't you?" Buffy snarled.
Bob: Just stab her anyhow, she's bound to be some demon-like thing or other.
"Thats vamp, dear child, not quite vampire..."
Crow: (Dash) The difference is a phonetic you see.
"Oh how I wish you were,
"Keep wishing, child," Dash walked past her, running her hand over Angel's chest as she passed him.
Bob: Didn't Buffy have
a chokehold on her?
Tom: So...Buffy held on to Dash's throat...Dash must have dematerialized and walked through Buffy's arm...and materialized once she was on the other side to continue molesting Angel.
Buffy looked over to the Mainframers. "Forgive me for what it looks like I'm doing."
Mike: (Bob) Okay but what-hey! Put those clothes back on!
Buffy then hauled off with a punch that knocked Dash away from Angel
and into Chimera and Pixil.
Bob: (Chimera) Yuck, WE don't want her.
"I told you, bitch, back off!"
Crow: Next, on a very special Jerry Springer.
Dash was picked up by the twins. "You vapid little tart!" she hissed, extending her claws.
Tom: Buffy IS acting pretty dumb in here but then again Dash YOU were the one climbing over fanged-boy.
"Come on!" Buffy growled, brandishing the stake. Angel backed away from the combatants.
All: Buffy! Buffy!
"Dash;" Chimera's elegant English accent --as thick as Giles'-- called her name.
"Don't pick fights yet."
Tom: (Chimera) You promised you'd wait till after dinner.
"Buffy, the stake only works
against vampires!" Willow said.
"You'd be surprised how many things can't survive being impaled!"
Crow: (Willow) Uhm...you've got me there, true. Okay, go ahead and stake her.
"Are you asking me to back down?!" Dash hissed at Chim.
Bob: (Chimera) Hmm...yes.
Buffy and Dash continued to glare at one another.
Tom: The tension. Oh God. Make it stop.
Dash growled low in her throat as she and Buffy started to circle around each other.
Mike: (Chimera) Down girl! Down! Damn, where'd we put the biscuits...
The Mainframers watched as the User and the virus squared off against each other.
Crow: (Dot) So,
think they'll all kill each other?
Tom: (Matrix) Hey, we might get lucky.
"DASH!" Chim growled; she
"What's she doin'?" Matrix breathed.
Bob: What the-EWW! Oh God, someone get a mop and cover little Enzo's eyes!
"Deleting one User bitch..." Dash hissed.
Mike: Yes, of course she's a bitch. You impolitely came onto her clearly stated boyfriend even after BOTH of them protested and she tried to stop you. How could she?
"Giles..." Willow looked worriedly at the Watcher.
Crow: (Giles) What? Do I look like I know all the cyber demons of hell?
"Buffy; we don't know what she's capable off..."
Tom: (Buffy) She's not capable of living with eight inches of wood through her heart, I'll bet you that.
the Watcher warned
"No, you don't.." Dash winked at him.
Mike: She comes on to every single living thing and acts like she's on a daytime talk show. Now I KNOW I hate this character!
"I've fought --and killed-- worse things then you!" Buffy retorted.
Bob: (Buffy) Notice how you don't see Carrot Top around anymore? Huh?
"Are you sure, child? I have embraced the thing darkness fears..."
Crow: Teddy bears and
Crow: Well if I were darkness that's what I'D fear.
"Ooo...the things I could tell you.
Tom: We don't need to you to go through your late night IRC logs, thanks very much.
You don't know what fear is, until you've died, come back, killed the Master Vampire, sent your lover to hell to save the world..."
Crow: (Dash) Aww...I haven't done ANY of those things. You're right, I suck.
she rattled more about the things she has had to do, and the things that had happened to her.
Tom: (Buffy) ...and then BECAUSE I defeated the ichor-spitting giant plasma-leeches of Nyguth-traman I stayed up all night AND bombed my physics test...
"Are you done yet? Can we please fight?!" Dash spat.
Bob: (Buffy) Virus just jealous? Nyah!
"Angel," Willow whispered.
"Drak; Stop this!"
"Dash...leave her be; she's probably just another game sprite..." Chim sighed.
Mike: (Dash) But they're so tasty yet non-filling...
"Wrong," Jo Ann said. "She and her friends are Users.
Bob: (Xander) You mean the way we've been sort of hinting at that for the last, oh, ten minutes?
I can tell."
"Oh?" Chim raised an eyebrow.
Crow: (Jo Ann) I LOVED Buffy the vampire Slayer! This is so COOL!
"A User can tell her own,"
Jo Ann smirked.
"As can I," Bob added.
Mike: Well I HOPE Bob can tell what's a sprite and what isn't.
"'Buffy the Vampire Salyer'
Bob: (Buffy) Please, it's just Buffy.
hmmm... someone should contact her people because that name is striking fear into no one's hearts..."
Tom: (Buffy) Hell, just give me a few minutes...
"You're vampires!" Buffy snarled at Chimera and Pixil. Now, Buffy approuched them.
Mike: Tell me, are Bob, Dot and company even here at this point? This IS in the ReBoot Universe, right?
Chimera clapped slowly.
Bob: (Buffy) Why thank-hey...you're MOCKING me aren't you?
As soon as Buffy had her back to her, Dash kicked the User girl in the head.
Crow: That was sporting.
Buffy recovered quickly and slashed Dash's cheek with the stake. Then Buffy punched Dash hard enough to knock her out.
Tom: I support anyone who'll be getting rid of the new characters by now.
Bob: I guess I'll just watch me and my friends become secondary plot lines before the awesome might of Jo, Chimera, Dash and whoever the hell they decided to toss in here.
Chim walked over to Dash, Pixil keeping Buffy away from her brother.
Mike: I'd nit-pick at the unclearness, but ALREADY I don't care.
He picked up the fallen
"You want some of that, too, vampire?"
Crow: In a box, please.
"Bob!" Jo Ann whispered to her brother-in-law. "Do something!"
Bob: Oh, so NOW you come crawling back for help.
Chimera fixed a mesmerising stare on her.
Mike: (Dot) Chim, take those stupid fake-nose-and-mustache glasses off.
(Bobo throws a handful of popcorn in the air all at once. Most of it falls on Crow.)
Crow: Hey, watch it!
Buffy shook it
Isis realized what the male viral-vampire was doing.
Crow: She watched in sadistic glee.
She cast her
"Nen renef emem aknkhoo!" ("His name shall not be amoung the living!")
Mike: I wonder if that was an authentic language up there or not?
Chimera began to weaken.
Bob: (Chimera) Oh man...garlic on that pizza last night wasn't such a good idea.
He turned and started to walk
away, carrying Dash.
Then, Chimera wavered and collapsed on the ground.
Crow: Is this supposed
to be touching or something?
Bob: I guess.
Pixil stood over her brother
and called for their transportation.
Angel, afraid that Buffy, in her anger, would try to follow,
Tom: Ha ha! Yes! Kill them
Mike: Do you think this sort of obsession with the characters dying off is going to be unhealthy?
Crow: Nah. That only counts with well developed, three-dimensional ones. These are just cheesy 2-d stock-types plastered onto sprites bodies and given lame powers.
pulled the Vampire Slayer
back toward him and the others.
"Angel!" Buffy protested.
"Let them go --for now!" he said.
Tom: (Angel) We
can slaughter them later.
Crow: (Buffy) Together?
Tom: (Angel) I promise.
Bob: Aww, that was sweet.
"We need to learn more about them,
Bob: Meanwhile, the REAL cast of ReBoot has gone out for lunch.
before we tangle with
She sighed and rested her head on his chest.
Mike: (Buffy) Yeah. I'll just quiet down and listen to the beating of your heart-whoops. Sorry.
"Besides, isn't that how we beat the bad guys before? Your powers, backed up by the right knowledge?"
Crow: More like "The cast looking up books and pretending to research backed up by Buffy doing a few choreographed fight scenes."
He smiled at
Tom: (Buffy) I mean there was that one time where we used a rocket launcher.
"You know it..."
"Let's regroup with our friends and new allies. Maybe together we can figure something out."
Bob: (Angel) The Beast Planet is no more! Oops, wrong show.
"Okay," Buffy sighed. She watched as the virals left. "Next time, vampires, next time," she muttered.
Mike: (Buffy) Why, if it weren't for those snoopy kids and their dog...
"So now what?"
"We go somewhere safe and plan some stratigy," Angel said.
Crow: (AndrAIa) Hey, so THAT'S where that `i' went.
"Hey; who died and made you Giles?" Buffy teased.
Mike: (Buffy) Wait, you DID die-sorry again.
Angel gave a small laugh. "Come on. Let's see what we can learn about those viral-vampires." He led her to the group.
Tom: You know, one really good Norton Anti-virus scan and their problems would be over so easily.
Bob and Dot were talking with Giles when Buffy and Angel rejoined them.
Crow: (Giles) Well yes they ARE imbeciles but you get mildly attached to them after a-oh, ha, hello Buffy.
"You guys don't happen to
have anything the resembles the sun or sunlight, do you?" Angel asked
"No," he told Angel.
Tom: (Matrix, to AndrAIa) What's a `sun' anyhow?
"Whew! That's good!" Angel
"Sort of. We do have day and night. But not solar energy," Jo Ann explained.
Crow: (Jo Ann) I think. I'm actually just guessing since there's no real way to tell without special equipment but you haven't burst into flames yet so that's good.
Buffy squeezed his hand.
Mike: (Angel) Yes dear I know, if you hang on there's a bathroom just a few blocks from here, okay?
"That's almost too bad, though," Xander said. "Sunlight can kill vampires."
Tom: (Angel) Hey! That's not-oh you mean those OTHER vampires. Ha. Sorry.
"What are you guys talking about?" Angel asked Bob, Dot, and Giles.
"Tactics," Giles told him rather coldly.
Crow: (Angel) Oh. You're still pissed about me killing your girlfriend, aren't you?
"What sort of tactics?" Buffy
"For combating the vampires."
Bob: How about flame-throwers?
"Care to let the Vampire Slayer in on these tactics?"
Tom: (Buffy) Me being the one killing them and all.
"We can discuss this back at the Principal's Office!"
"Oh, no! Not the principal's office!" Buffy backed away.
Mike: Does this pass as our comic relief?
"Principle Office!" Dot corrected.
Bob: A poorly executed
pun? I think so.
"That's nothing to be afraid
of, Buffy. That's where the COMMAND.COM's office is. It's like a city hall,"
Jo Ann explained.
The Slayer sighed in relief.
Crow: (Buffy) Thank God that joke's over. I am not getting PAID enough for this.
"Come on," Jo Ann said. "Let's
get in there before they come back."
They all followed her.
Mike: In the Hands Of
Crow: Excuse me, who was just ragging on a really bad pun?
Mike: Come on, only big Westwood fans'll get it.
As they approached the building, Buffy and her friends saw that it was a huge white and gold sphere.
Bob: (Xander) That's the BIGGEST golf ball I've ever seen.
"And well defended, too," Bob smiled.
Crow: Okay. NOW you can go ahead and beat on the jokes all you want.
They passed through doors
the size of football fields standing on their ends.
"Large decor..." the Slayer muttered.
Tom: (Dot) Now, this is the waiting foyer. Sorry it's a bit cramped.
"Wait until you see the inside,"
Crow: Is there some huge joke going on that we just don't know about?
The inside was just as huge, marble sparkling everywhere. Paintings and tapestries hung on the walls,
Bob: Whoa. When'd we get THOSE in?
and almost every corner had a plant.
Crow: (Dot) I kind of redecorated. I mean, it was so damned Spartan before.
"Woah!!" Cordy declared.
Mike: (Cordelia) It's like my house but less tasteful.
Smiling, Dot lead them into
"Welcome!" Dot grinned.
Crow: Crow scowled.
Tom: Servo grimaced.
Bob: All work and no play makes Bob a dull boy.
Mike: Uh-say what Bob?
"Thanks," Buffy said. She
and the others sat down on the various sofas and chairs that was in the
"So now what?" she asked.
Mike: Let's beam at each other some more!
"Yeah," Angel said. "Just what were those tactics you were discussing?"
Tom: (Giles) Well I'm sorry we didn't inform you earlier Mr. TEACHER-killer.
"Chim, Pix and Dash's
"What about them?" Buffy asked.
Crow: We're afraid we're going to have to put one down.
"Dash has a
"Especialy at Dot and me," Jo Ann added.
Bob: (Jo Ann) Come to think of it, most everyone has a temper at me. Huh...
"What?" Jo Ann asked.
"I have a temper too," the petite blond grinned.
Mike: Its name is Woofles.
"We noticed," Matrix
"Hey; you don't look like the shrinking-violet type yourself!" Buffy told Matrix.
Mike: Of course I can judge
you instantly like that because of the way you look, even though I haven't
even heard you say half-a-dozen sentences, none of which have been
Tom: Matrix, torn at the insult, runs sniffling to his room.
"You can always tell if Matrix is mad, even if he doesn't look like he's mad!" Jo Ann laughed.
Mike: What are you talking about? He nearly always looks mad.
"How's that?" the renegade
"Your eye, silly!" Jo Ann laughed.
Crow: And then Matrix blew her head off. The End.
"He has a gold cybereye that glows red when he's angry. And if you happen to see a cute, little, dark-red '(V)'
Bob: It's an `M', but don't
let us stop you showing off your lack of knowledge on the
Mike: That ASCII of Matrix's eye must've been really hard to pronounce.
Crow: What, (V)?
Mike: . . . Stop doing that.
"Okay," Buffy laughed.
Mike: (Buffy) Hey, it's on there right now...
"Chimera and Pixil's temper is directed solely at me," Jo Ann said, sobering.
Crow: Now THERE'S a surprise!
Buffy smiled, "I know how that is."
Bob: (Buffy) All the bad guys I defeat hate me, too.
"I my case, I happened to
destroy a super-virus named Daemon...who just happened to be their
Bob: SHE killed
Bob: Super-viruses are greatly over rated aren't they?
"As for Dash, Dot and I happened to destroy her lover, a virus named Megabyte.
Bob: Yay! Wait,
Tom: I can't wait to see how they've twisted the plot to fit this one.
Dash, you see, is Dot's clone that Megabyte created and infected.
Crow: Yet unlike Dot, she really sucks.
She is totally opposite of Dot.
Mike: (Jo Ann) Well they both really like the Beatles but that's the only similarity we can find.
And it's very difficult to tell the difference.
Tom: (Jo Ann) Except for the infection which made her skin deep blue, but people overlook that a lot.
Only Matrix, AndrAIa, Andri,
Crow: Andri...just how MANY little new people are there in here, anyway?
the Animal Totems,
Mike: No. Forget it. I don't want to know what she's talking about.
and any Guardian with a keytool
can tell if it's Dot or Dash."
"Wonderful," the sarcasm in the Slayer's voice was palapable.
Crow: (Buffy) See, since I don't HAVE a keytool I'm a bit upset. Why didn't we let me kill off the virus when it was unconscious again?
"Anybody have any ideas?" Drak asked.
Bob: You could go back
to the Userworld, pick up a copy of Norton Anti-virus, come back with it
and install it from here?
Crow: No wait, that would make SENSE.
"We're umm...we're obviously here for a reason," Giles said.
Mike: Giles' first attempts at forming a new religion.
"And that would be..." Xander
"I haven't the foggiest," Giles sighed.
Crow: Gilesism-vauge hope coupled by huge bouts of pessimism and feeling put-upon.
"Two of those virues also happen to be vampires," said Buffy.
Bob: (Dot) We're not sure how it happened, really. Some lame programmer's idea after too many `night of the living dead' tapes.
"I happen to be a Vampire Slayer. Maybe the reason we are here is to.: A).
Crow: Party like it's 1999.
Destroy the two viral-vampires, or, B).
Tom: Satisfy the public's need for MiSTings.
Help these guys discover a
way to fight them, themselves."
"Makes sense," Giles nodded.
Bobo: Why doesn't Jo Ann just tell her why she wrote the story?
"Why couldn't I have just programmed an anti-viral program?" Willow asked.
Mike: (Bob) Well because...because...damn. Why DIDN'T we?
"You mean a Guardian?
Crow: No, we mean something that appears to work first try.
We have several of those," Dot said. "Bob, Wild Card, Matrix, and Jo Ann. And we can call for many more.
Bob: Truth be told, guardians
just don't get RID of many viruses. We contain them usually. We're really
supposed to be used for system upkeep and maintenance, not virus hunting
Tom: Guess they just haven't figured it out then.
But they can't stop them. These virues are extreamely powerful.
Mike: Buffy just whacked one in the head! The other was crippled by that Cleopatra clone who seems to have disappeared. And anyone remember Matrix and AndrAIa who were supposed to be some sort of amazing warriors? Or new Glitch-Bob with powers? Come on, how hard can they BE?
And in Jo's weakened condition,
even she can't fight them."
"Great..." Buffy sighed.
Tom: (Buffy) The only possible help and it sucks. Wonderful.
"What's this 'weakened condition' of your User Guardian?" Angel asked.
Bob: (Jo Ann) Drug withdrawal. It'll pass.
"Yeah; did you get gotten
by the vamps?" Xander asked.
"No, it isn't that. I'm..." she blushed a little, "pregnent."
Crow: Oh. My.
Tom: Pregnant. With a sprite...yuck. YUCK! I have nothing against motherhood but with HER, yuck.
Crow: (Buffy) This means you'll be out of our way for months, right?
"Thanks. So is Dot," Jo Ann smiled.
Mike: (Bob) WHAT?!
"Oh...Congrats to you
Bob smiled and hugged Dot, while Wild Card did the same for Jo Ann.
Buffy and Angel exchanged a tender glance.
Tom: Servo wondered how much more idiotic the scene could get.
"That's why whatever plan we have in mind, it can't include Dot or Jo Ann as an active part. It's too big of a risk," Bob said.
Crow: (Bob) Not that we're really at a big loss without them.
Buffy nodded and smiled.
Tom: (Buffy) Smile and nod, smile and nod, make a run for it as soon as their backs are turned...
"Which reminds me," Bob said, looking at both Dot and Jo Ann. "What were you two doing out of the PO?
Bob: AND your cells I might add.
You know that the both of
you are confined to the Principle Office."
Dot looked guilty. "I was getting cabin fever..."
Mike: It's the size of a...a...(lamely) a damned big thing. How could you get cabin fever there?
"As was I..." Jo Ann
"You were lucky, this time. If the virals ever found out about the babies..."
Crow: Would it be pointless
and tasteless to mention something about ketchup now?
(Cold silence broken by an emphatic `YES'.)
Crow: I thought so.
Bob let out a worried
"Don't worry so much..." Dot smiled.
Tom: (Dot) After all we DID spare their lives before. I'm sure they'll be grateful and not come after us! Uhm...right?
"Can't help it. I'm going to be a father and an uncle.
Mike: (Bob) There goes my retirement fund.
Besides, it goes with the programming; 'mend and defend'?"
Tom: (Dot) Oh yeah.
I heard that somewhere before.
Bobo: Wasn't that something they said on the show?
Dot touched his face, "Stop
being such a worrier..."
"I can't. I love you too much," Bob smiled.
Mike & Bots: Yes?
Bob: I'm not REALLY this sappy, am I?
Mike & Bots: No.
Bob: Thank you.
"And I love you, too... but this whole house arrest thing is driving me crazy!!"
Crow: (Dot) At least let me have some clean water and a pillow.
"I have nightmares every night about what would happen it the virals got you, Jo Ann and the babies.
Tom: And yet he did nothing
when Buffy tried to beat the stuffing out of them.
Bob: Was I even IN that scene?
I'm not about to allow it
"They won't." Dot's fiery side kicked in.
Crow: (Matrix) Damnit, not again. Grab that extinguisher, would you?
"They will if you two don't stay put. The two of you are getting bigger every second. One of these seconds, they'll see you when you come out, and they'll know that you will have a baby."
Mike: Of course they'll know when you actually HAVE them. What are you going to do, keep the kids locked in the P.O. until they're eighteen?
"In Mainframe, a day is called a second," Jo Ann quickly translated.
Crow: (Willow) Oh. I can see how that makes...sense...huh?
"Calm down, m'love...I promise
when I start to show, I'll be more careful," Dot promised.
"You are starting to show, Dot!" Bob smiled. "So's Jo."
Mike: Look what did you expect, staying flat?
"Yes you are," Bob
"Am not!" Dot pouted childishly.
Crow: Character assassination: An inaccurate portrayal of an established person, i.e. Dot pouting childishly. Kiddies, learn this phrase, won't you?
"He's...um...right, Dot. We are starting to show." Jo Ann rubbed her stomach. She tapped her icon. "REBOOT!" she cried. In place of her jeans and sweatshirt, Jo Ann now wore a maternity dress.
Bob: Again, nothing against mothers, but why HER?
"I'd change, if I were you,
Dot," she smiled.
Dot frowned slightly, but nodded, "REBOOT!...and don't deny my denial!!"
"I wonder how long it's been?"
Jo Ann said.
Tom: Details spared will be greatly appreciated.
How long have we got before the babies arrive?"
Crow: You're the mom and you don't KNOW?!
"Not too much longer, I hope!"
"I hate to interupt, but we have a crisis on our hands, people!" Buffy exclaimed.
Mike: (Buffy) Or no wait, we could go back to discussing your impending offspring. Not like we're going to die! Nope! No siree!
"Right," Bob sighed. "Where
"Why am I here?" Buffy asked.
Crow: (Giles) I thought we already discussed that.
"To help us with the viral-vampires?" AndrAIa smiled.
Tom: I imagine this as a whole sort of "From Dusk Till Dawn" scenario.
"Okay; we got there; but how? Stake through the heart? Beheading? Holy water?"
Bob: Satellite laser? Starving Pitbulls? That Holy Hand grenade they used in "Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail"?
"This is where, I think, we are going to have to fill you guys in on what we know about the virals," Dot said.
Tom: (Dot) Basically they're a bunch evil buggers who want to infect or kill you. There. Now you go.
She pressed a few buttons on her computer.
Mike: Somewhere, a few missiles were launched...
Several vid-windows appeared,
hanging in mid-air around them.
"See Giles, no books!" Buffy teased.
Crow: (Giles) GYAH! It's evil!
The Mainframers were puzzled about Buffy's teasing.
Tom: (Bob) What are `books'?
What did Giles have against computers?
Crow: Hey, I bet if you saw your income and life's work becoming obsolete and ignored you'd be a bit wary too.
"You gotta question, ask it!"
Buffy smiled at the puzzled looks.
"What does Giles have against computers?" little Enzo asked.
Crow: (Giles) Nothing. Get away from me you horrid...electronic... thing.
"Giles is what we call 'stuffy' and technophobic..."
Mike: How many people in the UK do you think just read that?
Tom: Hey, he's wary about being inside a computer full of people who want his friends dead. In this context it's a compliment.
Buffy told them, affectionatly
smiling at the Watcher.
"He's 'afraid' of computers?" Andri asked.
Crow: (Giles) But...but they're evil! I mean for God's sake girl just look at who we've been stuck with.
"Pretty much; he's Book Man!" Xander added.
Mike: (Giles) And don't you forget it.
"I guess this leaves out calling Prime Guardian Turbo," little Enzo said.
Tom: We don't know why, really. It just does.
"He lives in the Super
"What?" Giles had zoned out as he often did when the teens teased him.
Mike: (Giles) God, why didn't I just take that filing job at the Smithsonian?
"Enzo said that Prime Guardian Turbo lives in the Super Computer!" Buffy grinned.
Bob: (Giles/Stewie) Stop mocking me!
Crow: (Giles) So it's EXTRA evil.
"Not as nightmareish as the Web," commented Bob.
Tom: (Bob) I mean...look at me, I have gills now. GILLS!
"The Internet; oh yes...'there be dragons'..." the Watcher quoted.
Mike: Giles: Paranoid yet in a strange way frighteningly accurate.
"No. Not the Net. That's really a nice place. I come from the Net.
Bob: Through systems, games,
Mike: (Dot) Did you HAVE to ask him that?
I was talking about the Web."
Crow: (Buffy) Don't you DARE mention anything about spiders Giles.
"In our world 'Web' and 'Net' are synonyms," Willow told Bob.
Bob: In ours...they really, really aren't.
"You wouldn't think that if you saw them. Think of the Net as being Eden,
Crow: But without the whole Snake and Garden thing.
and the Web as being Hell.
Crow: Guess this makes
you some sort of Satanist Bob.
Bob: Hey! I never got there, did I? No, Web-Bob is off somewhere while season 3 goes on back home. The REAL me is stuck here in this stupid theatre at the mercy of my enemy who's slowly turning my brain into Swiss cheese with bad movies. I would LOVE to be in the Web right now.
You'll see the difference."
Bob: Besides the Web isn't
Tom: (Jessica Rabbit) It's just drawn that way.
Angel winced at the mention of Hell and Buffy squeezed his hand.
Tom: Even though he never even brought any pictures back with him.
"Bob knows what he's talking about," Jo Ann said. "Megabyte sent him there once.
Bob: Yeah, they have this great hairstylist there. Ask for Vikki.
He was lucky to have met the Web Riders.
Tom: He'd been two weeks without cable.
They showed him how to survive in the Web. Taught him their language and everything.
Bob: And then I took over
and became their worshipped leader. As usual.
Tom: You sure you're not going to join up and work for Megabyte one day?
Bob: Of course not. Why would I do something like that?
I've been there, too, to visit the Web Riders.
Crow: (Jo Ann) I needed to get rid of the last of my Girl Guide cookies. Say, you like chocolate chip?
I learned the language and met Shadow, my sixth Totem. Shadow turned out to be a Web Creature. [Right, Interface?]"
Bob: Leave me out of this.
"Angel knows about Hell too..." Buffy murmered sadly.
Tom: (Angel) I could try to forget it if you weren't constantly reminding me about it!
"Looks like we all do, in
our own fashion," Bob said.
"Yeah..." Angel whispered, squeezing Buffy's hand.
Mike: Aww...now isn't that
Mike: Good. Just checking.
"Well," said Willow. "Let's get studing these vid-windows for a clue about those virals."
Tom: (Cordelia) Boring. Can you get the shopping network on these? Hey, why am I here anyhow?
"If you would still rather look at books, Giles," said Phong, "I will take you to the Principle Office library.
Crow: (Phong) I think we have a couple of "Dr. Seuss"'s gathering dust in a corner somewhere but that's about it.
Prehaps there is something
there that will help."
Giles brightened immediatly, "I would, thank-you."
"Then come with me." Phong led the way to the library.
Giles followed eagerly.
Crow: (Giles) Must...find...paper.
Buffy laughed affectionatly as she watched Giles leave.
Mike: (Buffy) Ha ha! He's leaving and he likes books!
Willow was already studing
the windows closely.
"Found anything, Will?"
Bob: (Willow) Then again I've only had about thirty seconds.
"Okay..." Buffy stretched her back. "Anyone care to spar with me?"
Mike: (Xander) No thanks. I'm getting used to NOT having bruises everyday.
"'Fight with' in a non-'kill me' sort of way -
Crow: (Disappointed) Non-kill? Oh.
"I know what it means," Matrix rolled his eyes.
Mike: (Matrix) Duh.
"I just didn't know you...practiced martial arts."
Crow: Whoa! My "Buffy is
the equal of Matrix which we'll prove by having them spar here" sense is
Bob: (Skeptical) What, really?
Crow: I have very developed senses.
"I'm the Slayer, of course I practise martial arts!"
Mike: (Buffy) Come on, I could take you, you pansy.
"You weren't paying attention when she was fighting Dash, were you, Sparky?" AndrAIa teased.
All: (Buffy cast)
SPARKY?! (Burst into laughter)
Mike: (Matrix) No! Shut up! Andy you promised!
"They didn't exactly fight; they kind of postured aggressively." Matrix told her.
Crow: (Buffy) Stop making excuses.
"Think ya can take me, Matrix?" Buffy challenged.
Mike: (Matrix) Do
nulls suck energy?
Crow: (Buffy) Uh...do they?
"You really want to spar with me?" Matrix asked.
Tom: No, she wants to dress up in a thirteenth century minstrel costume and folk-dance. You're just mishearing her.
He looked over to Angel.
Tom: (Angel) She does this EVERY time to me.
"If you wanna chicken out..." Buffy challenged.
Mike: (Matrix) Not really, it's just that this is kind of...weird.
"Go ahead. See if you can," Angel grinned.
Bob: (Angel) I WILL have to kill you if you hurt her, but go ahead.
"Not in this area, guys. You might break one of these windows," Willow said.
Mike: (Willow) And
I guess the people might get hurt too. (Normal voice) Wait, I didn't
notice the principal Office having any windows.
Bob: They meant vid-windows.
Mike: Can you break them?
Bob: Well...not really. They just pop out and in again. They won't disappear permanently.
Tom: Sort of like a Geocities pop up add.
"Shall we?" Buffy gestured to the large free area.
Crow: (Matrix) Look, will you stop trying to hurt me?
"Okay..." Matrix said. He
followed her to the free space.
Buffy smiled broadly at Matrix and winked at Angel.
Tom: (Angel) Don't
break anyone's legs this time, honey.
Bob: (AndrAIa) Now Sparky, promise me you won't spill blood.
Matrix readied himself, getting
into a fighting stance.
Buffy watched the way he moved, hoping to use his sheer bulk against him.
Mike: (Buffy) Hmmm...maybe if I make him SWEAT to death...
Matrix was a little reluctant to attack. Buffy was so small!
Tom: Remember how Ray's pretty average height? Since when that has THAT bothered you?
He was afraid he'd hurt her. He desided to go for a grab.
Tom: Eww, hey Enzo's not
a pervert! (Far as we know.)
Bob: With AndrAIa AND Angel watching?
Crow: He is a dead man.
That would not hurt her...he hoped.
Mike: Sort of.
Buffy watched his chivilry play in his eye.
Crow: (Buffy) Aww, that's sweet. All right, I WON'T break his wrist.
She giggled slightly
Tom: Then broke down into
Bob: Buffy-Vampire Slayer, High School Student, giggling maniac.
and, as he approached her, she ducked low and tagged his stomach.
Mike: You're it!
The blow by so small an opponent surpprised Matrix. He clutched his stomach as he turned toward her. He blinked his eyes
Crow: It's like their re-enacting the scene in "Showdown" but without the gaping stomach wound and actual tension.
as he looked at the slim,
Buffy smiled at him, "What?"
Mike: (Buffy) Oh wait, didn't I mention as the Slayer I have powers that make me stronger? Sorry.
Matrix gulped some air, but did not say anything. As soon as he got his wind back, he tried a different grab.
Bob: Stop making him out as a pervert!
Buffy slipped under his arm, and placed her foot in his back, just firmly enought to let him know she could have had him down, had she wanted
Crow: So the key here is never try seriously to land any blows.
Matrix was not sure of what to do.
Tom: (Matrix) Is she trying to press down on my back or what?
He was still reluctant to do anything that would harm Buffy, but his male ego was brused by being beaten by the girl.
Mike: (Matrix) What the hell? She's the size of DOT for crying out loud!
He thought of one grab that might work. He grabbed toward her left, but switched to the right at the last moment.
Crow: You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...
Matrix caught Buffy and she whirled, attempting to break his grip
Tom: (Buffy) Why, you dance divinely but Angel and I have this next number.
Matrix held her firmly, but gently. He was unyielding, but would not otherwise hurt her.
Mike: You know, if someone ASKS you to spar generally it IS okay to hit them.
Buffy twisted enough to kick up at his shoulder, trying to loosen his grip.
Bob: (Buffy) God, when's the last time you changed that leather?
Matrix evaded the kick, still holding her in his strong arms.
Crow: (Angel) I don't know if I should be amused or jealous.
"Okay; no more Ms Nice Slayer!" Buffy held onto her bravado.
Tom: And her one liners.
She swung both legs upward and propelled herself away from him, by planting her feet on his chest and flipping out of his grip
Mike: Neat. Now let's see her do a spinning bird kick.
"Very good!" Matrix grinned.
Crow: A scowl would be more appropriate but hey, I'm just think of an IN-character Matrix. Don't mind me.
"First time's anyone ever broke that grip. And it could even hold Turbo!"
Bob: No...as I recall the
battle went "You ruined my life!" "Copeland!" Zap.
Mike: Another fic reference again I guess. Let's let sleeping dogs lie.
Buffy bowed graciously, "The high-heels didn't hurt your chest?"
Bob: How in the Net IS she fighting in high heels anyway?
"With this armor? Nah!" he smiled.
Tom: (Matrix) It's so fun when I'm all happy and out of character like this.
"Just checking," Buffy fell back into a defensive crouch.
Crow: Round one...fight!
Now, Matrix went for a slightly different grab.
Bob: I don't know what'd
be worse, a really quick and thoughtlessly done fight scene or this long,
Tom: When in doubt, go for brevity.
Bob: Long one then. Figures.
He looked as if he was going to repeat the same grab as before, but this time, he picked her up and held her over his head.
Mike: (Buffy) Oh God no put me down, I get height-sick!
Buffy's hands grabbed his wrists and twisted, hard.
Matrix let out a gasp of pain
and let go, dropping Buffy onto the hard floor.
She fell into a roll and came up wincing slighty as her back twinged. "You okay?" she asked him.
Tom: (Matrix) Yeah. I just won't be able to use them for a couple of months.
"My wrists hurt. What about
you?" he gasped.
"My back is kinda sore, sorry about that --I react badly to heights; being 5'3 I'm not used to them..." she smiled at him apologetically.
"Draw?" Matrix asked.
Mike: BAM! (Matrix) I win.
"Okay," she smiled and hugged him.
Mike: (Matrix) Augh,
Crow: (Buffy) Sorry.
"Let's get to the infirmery
and have our, 'battle wounds' looked after," Matrix suggested.
The Slayer giggled, "Good idea!"
Tom: Stop. Giggling. Buffy NEVER giggles!
"By-the-way, good match!" Matrix grinned.
Tom: And Matrix almost never grins!
"Same to you; sorry I was playing rough --I'm no good at pulling punches;
Crow: (Buffy) Unlike YOU ya' wuss.
Giles always wears full padding whenever he gets the masochistic urge to 'train' me!" she told him.
Mike: (Giles) Yes well if you're not built like a Semi it bloody hurts.
"You...were...pullin'...your...punches?" Matrix asked,
Crow: Using his famous Shattner impersonation.
She nodded, "As the Slayer, I have super-natural athletic abilities...
Bob: I can also tell instantly whether it's regular or decaf just by the smell.
"About how much could you lift?" he asked.
Mike: (Buffy) Well there was this stalled Ford truck blocking my way on the interstate once...
"I've never lifted weights!" Buffy admitted.
Tom: (Buffy) Killed demons, staked vampires, killed another psychotic Slayer and what not. But never weights. Kind of funny actually.
"You don't know how much you can lift? Could you lift me, if you tried?"
Crow: (Buffy) What,
you...want me to? This is really getting WEIRD.
"I don't know --I could try; but Angel tends to object if I pick up other men," she teased.
Mike: That joke was okay...
"AndrAIa is the same about
me and other women!" Matrix laughed.
The two warriors shared a laugh.
Mike: And...that just destroyed
any humor I could have found in this.
Bob: Andy should really be more worried about giant binomes.
"'e's tha one who should talk!" Ray laughed. "You should 'ave seen 'im when I rescued AndrAIa from the Web Spore!
Bob: (Ray) He was so pissed after I saved `er life...
"'is eye was glowin' like a lamp, an' I could see that little 'M' as plain as day!"
Tom: Hey, there it goes again.
Buffy laughed, "Angel reacted when I danced somewhat sexily with Xander..."
Crow: (Angel) Shut. Up. NOT. Listening. Hmm hm hmmm...I can't hear you...
"I don't even want to know..."
"Need some help, sugah?" Mouse asked Willow. "Ah'm quite the little hacker myself."
Tom: (Willow) That'd be neat. Say, let's see who can get into NATO's defense plan first!
"Sure!" Willow smiled at
"Well, I was only doing it to make Angel jealous..." Buffy told Matrix.
Bob: (Angel) And it's WORKING.
"It worked," Angel gave them
Buffy winked at him.
Tom: I refuse to believe that this is Buffy. Obviously some hideously twisted aliens have taken the cast of BtVS away and replaced them with the pseudo-accurate replicas shown here.
"The infirmery's this way," Matrix said.
Crow: Just though I'd spew out that random thought there.
"You lead, I'll follow..."
Bob: Guess she needs to see if her prescription's in.
Matrix led Buffy down a hall and into another room. Inside were diagnostic beds right out of the old Star Trek show.
Crow: (Buffy) Oh no. You don't have an annoyingly quasi-Scottish voiced doctor around, do you?
Several one and zero binome
doctors were standing around, as if waiting for them.
Buffy laughed aloud at the sight of the room.
Tom: It's a room and it's filled with lights! Funny. Yay!
Smiling a zero binome motioned for her to lie on one of the beds. A one binome tended to Matrix.
Mike: (Matrix) Yeah she broke both of them but I should be okay. Could you pour that painkiller down my throat? Thanks.
Buffy lay down on her stomach.
"I pulled my back," she explained.
"Don't worry; these guys are miracle workers!
Bob: Assuming you're made of silicon. Anything else don't let them get near you.
We'll be back there sometime
in next millisecond."
"Ok.." Buffy smiled.
Crow: (Buffy) My but this pulled back is fun.
Meanwhile, Willow and Mouse were going over the vid-windows meticulsly.
Tom: (Mouse) Will ya' look at the size of those pec's-let's try www.StudlyBoys.com next!
"Hmmm..." Willow was fascinated.
Crow: (Willow) I never knew you could find THIS on the Internet.
"You find anythin', sugah?" Mouse asked.
Mike: (Willow) According to these hidden cameras in the Whitehouse guestrooms Al Gore sleeps with a stuffed snake named "Woozles".
"Just some interesting stuff..."
"Anythin' that would help against the virals?"
Bob: (Willow) There's this industrial strength flame-thrower at www.MilitiasR/us.com. That looks nice.
"Do you guys have garlic?"
"Garlic? You mean that stuff they put on pizzas?" little Enzo asked.
"You do?" Willow smiled.
Bob: (Willow) Your obscure tastes amuse me.
"Garlic?" Andri asked. "The
stuff on pizza that makes your breath smell like you have eaten a bad
"Yeah!! Vamps hate it!" Willow smiled.
Mike: (Willow) Help me, my face is stuck like this!
"I wonder if the virals hate
it?" AndrAIa asked.
"If they're vamps, they should hate it..."
Crow: (AndrAIa) Brilliant! Now all we have to do is put it on a pizza, wait until they come around to a pizza joint, disguise ourselves with funny accents and moustaches and BAM! No more viruses!
Matrix and Buffy returned from the imfirmery as good as new.
Bob: `Cept for the stitches.
Angel hugged Buffy as she
reentered the room.
"Any progress?" she asked, as she hugged him back.
Crow: (Angel) I think my jealousy has evaporated into a non-existence now, thanks.
"Garlic," he smiled.
Mike: (Enzo) Why does everyone think it's FUNNY?
"Oh. Nice. Care to
"They have garlic that might be used agaist the virals."
"Ahhh...gotcha. Will it work?"
"We don't know. But it should," Willow said.
Tom: (Angel) Let's just hope they haven't had their booster shots.
"Will what work?" asked Bob, who was just returning from the map room.
Bob: (AndrAIa) Damned
if I know.
Mike: (Angel) Hey! I'm damned.
Bob: (AndrAIa) Sorry.
"BOBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!" little Enzo screamed.
Tom: (Bob) I'm not DEAF.
In nanos, the small sprite had knocked the chrome-armored Guardian flat on his back. Again.
Crow: Say what you want but Little Enzo sure has mastered the power of inertia.
"That's gotta hurt!"
Mike: (Bob) Only when I breathe. And walk. And stand still.
"Yeah, it does. But not as much as it used to,"
Bob: Thank the Net for chrome colored armor.
Buffy laughed and bent over to pluck little Enzo off Bob.
Mike: (Mechanic) Here's your trouble-you had one of these stuck on your chest. That'll put weight on ya' everytime.
"Wow! You're strong! I bet
you could pick up Matrix, if you wanted to!" little Enzo grinned at
"Maybe!" Buffy smiled, and swung him around.
Crow: (Enzo) No wait! Stop, I have a thing about heights to-BLECH!
"I'd like to see you try it!"
"Would you now?" Buffy eyed Matrix, as if assessing whether to try or not.
Mike: (Matrix) Oh User, not this again.
"Yeah!" both little sprites cried together.
Tom: "No!" Servo and the others countered.
Crow: Such an obedient
thing now isn't he?
Bob: Maybe she's thinking about the OTHER Enzo...no wait that doesn't work either.
"You kids sure you want me to try this?" she asked Enzo and Andri.
Mike: (Matrix) Uh...hello? Try what? Why are you all grinning?
"Yeah!" little Enzo and Andri said together.
Tom: Someone disconnect the link between their voice boxes already.
"What are you doing, Summers?" Matrix asked suspiously.
Bob: (Buffy) Nothing, nothing...just uhm...just close your eyes for a moment.
"Just trying something," Buffy grinned at him. She placed one hand under each of his armpits.
Crow: I award that paragraph the prestigious 1999 "Most unintentionally vaguely disturbing sentence Crow has seen this year." award
"Summers?" Matrix seemed alarmed. The small blonde girl took a deep breath, and lifted the huge renegade off his feet.
(Tom makes snapping
Tom: (Buffy) AUGH! MY BACK!
"Alphanumeric!" little Enzo
"Pixelasious!" cried Andri.
Mike: (Matrix) I feel funny.
"Ditto, kids!" Bob said in awe.
Crow: (Enzo) Where?! Thank God I have my Pokeballs with me!
"Put me down?" Matrix asked.
Tom: (Matrix) Think you could stop humiliating me now?
"Well, you held me up..." Buffy grinned.
Mike: And the linesman agrees!
"Okay, okay..." Buffy gently
lowered Matrix to the ground. "Thanks."
She patted his shoulder.
Bob: Here, have a biscuit.
He gave her a look, "You really are strong..."
Tom: (Matrix) But
then again, meet my gun.
Crow: She'd just pull out the rocket launcher again.
Tom: Hmm. True.
"You have to be strong, to
fight vampires," Buffy smiled.
Mike: They all smiled! For no reason! We know they're happy already!
"I worry about her enough;
if she didn't have this strength..."
"Are vampires very strong," little Enzo asked.
Crow: One of Enzo's little known powers-asking questions without question marks.
Buffy nodded, "Exceptionally."
Bob: (Buffy) Why? You wanna go?
"And to be just as strong, if not stronger, is the way to be," Matrix said.
Crow: Even if you become bitter and a reflection of what you hate as a result.
"I learned that
Buffy nodded, sensing a kindred spirit.
Mike: Of course she really just GOT her powers more than working for them all her life, but it didn't spoil the moment anyhow.
"Megabyte was also very strong. Before Mainframe crashed, I fought him. It was rough goin', but I finally had him where I could delete him."
Bob: (Matrix) Then I decided if I didn't do the honor thing and spare his life the series ending would have been really depressing so I let him off.
Buffy smiled at him, "Yeah; I was like that with the Master.
Crow: He Did nOT aPPrOVE of cOurse.
He killed me."
Tom: I think they've spotted the inconsistency.
The Mainframer's mouths all dropped open in shock and their eyes bugged wide.
Bob: My God, she's a maniac isn't she?
"Yeah; put the bite on my and left me to drown;
Mike: We'll just let you guess the body part. It's more fun that way.
I was dead for a good two minutes before Xander revived me.
Crow: (Xander) Look, I went to the washroom for HALF a minute, tops.
Then I went back down there and killed that sonofa--"
Buffy stopped short, not wanting to swear around Andri and Enzo.
Mike: (Enzo, helpfully) Bitch?
"Minutes? That long?" Dot asked.
Bob: (Xander) Look, when nature calls...
"Minutes are Mainframe mouths," Jo Ann said.
"Ahh...what's Mainframer for our minutes?" Buffy asked.
Mike: We haven't really figured it out yet. They keep changing it on us.
"Ahh.." Buffy smiled, nodding.
Crow: Let's see, so far she finds garlic, fighting, medic rooms and time measurement funny.
"What happened between you
and Megabyte?" Angel asked Matrix.
"We fought; I didn't kill him though." Matrix told him.
Tom: (Matrix) Some guardian BS about "Mending and Defending" and mercy and all that junk.
"You didn't?!" Buffy
"No, he didn't," Dot smiled with pride at her huge brother.
Bob: (Dot) I'm GLAD he let the virus go even though I pathologically hate him.
"Why not?" Buffy demanded.
Mike: (Bob) We get higher ratings when he's around.
"Because it would have made me more like him," Matrix smiled grimly.
Crow: Yes, even when grim he STILL manages to smile! The `happy' fic Ladies and Gentlemen!
"But the evil needs to be destroyed!" Buffy protested.
Crow: (Buffy) Like Teletubbies and the Golf Channel!
"Killing is not something a Guardian does without thinking," Bob said.
Mike: (Matrix) It...isn't? Whoops.
"Slaying is something I do because I was born to do it.
Bob: (Buffy) What I REALLY want to do is slay for profit.
Sympathy for the evil ones is something I guess I'll never comprehend..."
Tom: Not according to all those Spike/Buffy fics there.
"Megabyte would not have spared Matrix.
Mike: Smart guy.
When Matrix spared Megabyte, it set him above the virus," Bob said.
Bob: That and we got to stick him in the Web so we can drag him back if/when there's season 4.
"As we told you before, Megabyte has since been deleted."
Mike: Which kind of negates
all that stuff we said before.
Crow: Guys? You don't think they're going to bring him back as a vampire or something and have Buffy kill him, do you?
Crow: If they do I want you to shoot me. Please.
"Yeah, well..." Buffy
"Well, what?" Matrix asked.
"It just doesn't sit well; Slayer instinct is to destory the evil..."
Tom: Either that or make it into a delicious cream filling.
"The code, 'mend and defend', oddly enough, applies to virues.
Bob: That was one of our stupider mistakes.
Jo Ann destroyed Daemon before Jo became a Guardian.
Crow: (Bob) So that makes it okay.
Dot was the one that deleted Megabyte. Niether one had Guardian programming," Bob smiled.
Mike: Yes, killing is all fun and legal if you're not a guardian! Sign up for your sniper rifle/bombing package and instructions today.
Buffy just shrugged, "My job description is just to fight the vampires, destory them and stop the spread of their evil..."
Tom: (Buffy) And, oddly enough, to `keep on truckin'. Weird bunch of guys, those Watchers.
"You are just as much of a Guardian, as Bob and the others are, my child," Phong said.
Crow: (Phong) Wait, I'm thinking of Duncan MacLeod. Never mind.
He and Giles had just returned and they had heard the last few parts of the conversation.
Mike: (Phong) It's always so good to see them discussing killing tactics this way.
"Which reminds me...you will all need these..."
Tom: (Phong) These "Power Ranger" uniforms Bob and the others used a while ago. I've decided we might as well get SOME use out of them.
Phong took out
Crow: (Xander) Tasers? Cool!
black and white PIDs and gave each of their visitors one.
Mike: (Cordelia) But I wanted one in red.
Buffy's, however, was gold and black, like Bob's, Wild Card's, Matrix's, and Jo Ann's.
Tom: Why? Just because Buffy's special.
"What's this?" Buffy asked.
Bob: (Phong) We ran out of black and white ones.
"Your PIDs: Personal Identity Discs. Your icons. If you are going to be with us for a while, you will need them.
Crow: (Phong) With these you can collect valuable consumer points at any major retail outlet!
Your own is that of the Guardians," Phong expained.
Mike: (Phong) It was just a whim, really.
Buffy looked at it and shrugged.
Crow: (Buffy) When in Rome...
She placed it on the center of her tank-top. Buffy had the gold arrow pointing up. Matrix smiled. He reached over and turned the icon to where the black arrow was pointing up.
Tom: And she put it on
the CENTRE of her tank top. Who here thinks that really IS something Angel
and Buffy should get upset over?
He pointed to his icon, then showed her the icons of the other Guardians.
Bob: See? Be passive and do as we do.
She shrugged, "So I got the badge upside down. Is that bad?"
Crow: Booting into clothes might feel a bit funny.
"Not really. But to any Guardian who saw you, it would have meant that you had flunked Guardian train',"
Bob: Yeah. We used to flip people's icon's over all the time as practical jokes.
Wild Card smiled. "Mine was like that for a while, until Turbo gave me full Guardian status."
Crow: (Wildcard) True it was at gunpoint, but still.
"I've never done any Guardian training!" Buffy protested.
Mike: (Bob) Don't worry, bribe enough people and you're in.
"In a way, you have. You did have to be trained to become a Vampire Slayer,
Crow: (Bob) And we assume for no reason that Guardian and Slayer training is all one and the same.
so that you would know what to do, right?" Bob asked.
Tom: (Buffy) Only with vampires.
"Yeah; Merrick, my first Watcher trained me; then Giles took over.."
Bob: I'm guessing the first
one is dead meat.
Tom: Do we want to watch the Buffy movie the TV series was based on and find out?
Mike & Crow: Nah.
Tom: It got a lousy review anyways.
"And you do guard your world against the vampires, don't you?" AndrAIa asked.
Crow: (Buffy) Only weekdays 9-11 excluding major holidays and summer vacation.
"So, sugah, that makes you a Guardian!" Mouse grinned. For the first time, Buffy and the others saw her fangs.
Tom: Ahh, yes. I've been waiting for this.
Buffy jumped, pulling a stake
from her boot.
"Easy, girl! I ain't no blood-sucker!" Mouse said, backing away.
Mike: Depends on your point of view.
Buffy took a few ragged breaths.
"Sorry 'bout that, sugah. Don't ask me ta explain tha fangs;
Crow: (Mouse) Ah picked them up during mah stint as a `Teen Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles' extra.
Ah don't know a thing 'bout 'em, except that Ah got 'em. But Ah ain't a vampire!"
Mike: (Mouse) I'm just deformed.
Buffy's heart-rate slowly returned to normal.
Tom: (Buffy) I've got to lay off the sugar.
"Are you alright, my child?"
Phong asked, concerned.
Buffy nodded, "Heightened adrenalin getting out of my system..."
"That is good, my child."
Crow: (Phong) Allow
me to use my catch phrase once again, my child.
Tom: (Buffy) Stop it.
She smiled at him.
Mike: (Phong) She
Crow: (Willow) No, she does that with everyone.
Mike: (Phong, crestfallen) Oh.
"What did you two find out in the library?" Drak asked.
Bob: (Giles) You
really, really need to dust in there.
Tom: I didn't know you could do British accents.
Bob: Just barely.
"Very little; but what we did find out was disturbing. Buffy, the vampires here are less vulnerble than the ones on the Hellmouth..." Giles told her.
Mike: Plot points brought to you by one-upmanship: "Because doing things more difficulty than in the original series is supposed make you feel impressed."
"What makes them stronger then the ones on the Hellmouth?" Isis asked.
Bob: Magic elves.
"Less vulnerbilities..." Giles admitted. Buffy sat down hard and slumped against Angel.
Crow: (Buffy) Can I just catch a quick forty winks here? Thanks hon.
"Have you found out what they are vulnerable to?" Bob asked.
Tom: (Giles) Atom bombs...tornadoes...hurricanes... you name it!
"The stake through the heart
thing should work...but we found something very interesting."
Bob: (Giles) The stake has to be made out of pine and have pink colored smiley faces on it. Some weird tradition of theirs. Don't ask me.
"You are meant to be here now Buffy. It was in a prophecy."
Crow: (Buffy) Aw crap, not AGAIN.
"Yeah...what?" little Enzo
"There is a prophecy here that could be interpreted to mean that Buffy was meant to arrive here."
Mike: (Giles) Or it could be some late-night rambling of a lone drunken loser from a newsgroup cut and pasted. It's hard to tell.
Giles told them.
Crow: (Willow) God, he's not going into prophecies again is he? Quick, someone throw a bucket of water over him.
"She was?" Angel
"How does the prophecy go?" Isis asked.
Tom: Oh, she's still in this fic? Thought we lost her a few dozen pages back.
"Its, err...somewhat vague," Giles admitted.
Mike: Now THERE'S a surprise.
"Well, tell us what there
is of it," Xander said.
"Ummm...its goes," he looked down at a book, "and I quote:
Crow: "I am not a crook..."
'...neither sprite nor binome shall the new defender be; she shall come from beyound the Net to defend against creatures of darkness that she was born to slay...'"
Bob: (Giles) Say what you want but I think they're more fun when they're vague like this.
"Buffy?" little Enzo asked. "Buffy's going to have to fight the virals?"
Crow: No, Xander is. Of course it's Buffy! This wouldn't be a real crossover without something dumb like this!
"Sure sounds like it, kiddo!"
"Alphanumeric!" Enzo grinned and said very slowly.
Tom: (Enzo) You're going to DIE! Cool!
"What?" Buffy asked.
Tom: (Enzo, more quickly) Alphanumeric!
"It's what he says when he's excited or awestruck,"
Bob: Or at random intervals. We can't seem to stop him, really.
"Think of it as having the same meaning as, 'Wow', 'Awesome', 'Cool', etc.," Jo Ann laughed.
Mike: It's okay to use the words `explained' or `said' sometimes, you know.
"Thanks, Jo Ann!" Buffy smiled
"No problem, Buffy," Jo Ann smiled.
Bob: By the end of this their jaws are going to be incredibly sore.
"Maybe we should tell Prime
Guardian Turbo," Andri said.
"Maybe, yeah..." Dot sighed.
Tom: (Dot) We ARE getting kind of low on original characters after all.
"That sounds like a good idea,
Andri," Bob smiled.
"Who is this guy?" Buffy asked.
"Turbo is the leader of all the Guardians.
Crow: (Bob) But we pretty much do what we feel like anyway.
The big boss. Head honcho. The one that tells all the other Guardians what to do..."
Mike: Think of him as their leader.
little Enzo explained
"Ah: So he's important?" Buffy smiled sarcastically.
Bob: In this figurehead sort of way.
"Very," Dot said. "He's also my uncle."
Tom: Let me guess-he's
Bob's Uncle and by marriage...
Mike: Don't figure it out. Just flow with it.
Tom: More like `grate' with it.
"Oh. How nice," the Slayer added.
Bob: (Buffy) You can stop boring me with your lives now.
"What's wrong, Buffy?" Drak
"I'm just tired, Drak..." she sighed.
Mike: (Buffy) I've been stuck in this crossover all DAY.
"Maybe some energy shakes?"
"Milk-shake type things?" Willow asked.
Tom: (Dot) Except
they're deadly to humans.
Mike: Yeah, tell me about it.
I'll order take-out from the diner," Dot said.
Mike: Besides there and
Al's is there ANY other place you can get food in Mainframe?
Bob: Well...I think there used to be a coffee shop down in-no wait, Dot bought them out. Nope.
She openned a vid-window to
"Do they come chocolate flavoured, with extra caffine?" Buffy asked.
Crow: (Dot) No.
Tom: (Buffy) Oh my God, LET ME OUT OF HERE!
"They sure do!" Jo Ann smiled.
Mike: (Mr. Burns) Little does she know that she'll be getting the POISIONED one.
"I'll have one of them, then
please, Dot!" the tired Slayer smiled.
"Okay. Cecil, I'd like to order twenty chocolate energy shakes to go."
Tom: Let's see...minus
the ReBoot cast we've got in the room which is Bob, Dot, Enzo, Matrix, AndrAIa,
Mouse and Phong plus Giles, Buffy, Willow, Xander and presumably Cordelia
somewhere since she was introduced way back when we have...eight new inserted
Mike: Maybe Hack and Slash are there?
Tom: That still makes six. PLUS we have those bad guys running around somewhere.
Crow: (Dot) You know...veignt?
"Yes, Cecil: Twenty," Dot smiled at her mater'd.
Crow: (Cecil) I hate you.
Cecil sighed, "Oui, madame.
"Yes, Cecil. Please."
Bob: (Cecil) You know, if I had LEGS I could deliver them...hint hint.
"Thank you, Cecil."
"Yeah. Thanks, Cece," Xander grinned.
Mike: Ah, time for another corny doesn't-translate-well-without-visual's-Xander-esque joke.
"How iz zat?"
"Cece," Xander continued to grin.
Tom: Forget waiting at the bar. He's going to be stuck in the washroom.
"Madame? Who iz
"A friend, Cecil," Dot smiled.
"Hi, Cece," Xander grinned and waved at the waiter.
Bob: Well, another person for Cecil to add to his hit list.
"Bonjour. Au revior, madame.."
Crow: (Cecil) Give the annoying brown-haired one a beating for me, will you?
"Alright, Cecil," Dot
The vidwindow shut swiftly.
"He'll have our order processed in a few micros," Dot said.
Tom: Now they wait fifty minutes only to find he mixed up their order and they have to wait another half-hour.
"Great..." Buffy sighed, as Angel held her.
Mike: (Buffy) It
could be worse. We could be in a "Beasties" crossover.
Tom: Like the Xena/Beasties thing?
Crow: Come on.
Tom: No really. There was one, I'm serious.
Mike: Truth. Stranger than. Fiction.
"Is there a T.V. anywhere?" Xander asked.
Bob: He's going to be sorry he asked that.
"Did someone say 'TV?'"
Crow: No, we said albatross. Are you all deaf?
"OH, NO!" Dot
"Now, you've done it!" Matrix said.
"What?" Buffy asked.
Mike: And you can just hear the theme music from "Jaws" start up in the background.
"IITTTT'SS EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE APPLANCE,
Crow: Adam the
Tom: Fred the Refrigerator!
Bob: Billy the Dishwasher!
MIKE, THE T.V!"
Mike: I've always pictured myself as more of a Cuisinart, actually.
A small television set with
hands, feet, and a face bounded up, microphone in hand.
Buffy took one look at him and pulled a stake.
Bob: Net knows I've always wanted to do that.
"YYYIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!" Mike jumped and in a split nano, was hiding behind Bob.
Bob: Once again my friends
cower in my shadow so I can protect them.
Crow: Uh huh.
Bob: (Slightly desperate) No really.
Mike: (Sympathetically) It must really suck having to watch yourself in these things.
Bob: (Hanging his head) Yes.
"I don't like him,"
Crow: Thus, she tries to
Tom: Vidi, Veni, Vinci. She came, she saw, she killed a TV.
Buffy announced, by way of explanation.
Tom: Actually I can see Buffy more as thinking Mike `cute' or something.
"Join the club," Matrix growled.
Tom: (Mike) One more crack like that and I show a clip of the time you wet your bed.
Buffy grinned at
"Mike, dear, for your own safty, I suggest you go back home," Jo Ann smiled at the little T.V.
Tom: (Mike) Oh really? It'd be a shame for you if the police got hold of the video surveillance tapes from the 7-11 down the block, now wouldn't it?
"Good idea," Dot
"Okay..." Mike said in a very small voice. He went out the door, giving the pretty girl with the sharp, wooden stick a very wide berth.
Mike: (Mike) See if I ever run your fourth season then.
As soon as he was past her, Mike reved up his feet and scooted away faster then Lightning, Jo Ann's cheetah Totem.
Crow: Yes, the wild TV set can reach speeds up to and over 60 miles per hour, a finely honed survival trait.
Buffy laughed as he left.
Bob: Revelling in the fear
Tom: Whoops. Time to go guys.
(Everyone gets up except Bobo.)
"He can be annoying, but he's
not so bad," Jo Ann smiled.
"Yeah...I believe you..." Buffy sighed.
Tom: (Buffy, on the
way out) I'm still killing him though.
Bobo: (suddenly noticing something is amiss) Hey! Where are you going? Don't leave me alone in here!
(He makes frightened monkey noises as he hurries out of the theater.)
(We're back on the SOL bridge. Gypsy and Pearl are standing by the desk, chatting over some International House coffee and rice cakes.)
Gypsy: I mean, would it kill them to walk five feet away and drop their clothes in the hamper?
Pearl: Tell me about it. Clayton's dad would come back from that biological engineering lab of his, and he'd throw his disease-ridden lab coat on the floor and spend the rest of the night in front of the tube. (mimicking) But honey, I'm developing a race of super humans to take over the world. I've had a hard day. I need a break.
Gypsy: What ever happened to Mr. Forrester?
Pearl: (carelessly) I dunno. Something about a giant plant creature. They kept that pretty classified. You know, those guys don't appreciate you enough. You gotta make them start pulling their weight around here.
Gypsy: I guess so. I just feel so sorry for them. I mean, I took one day off, and they nearly died. They're like a bunch of newborn kittens. . . Well, I've got to start surveying the damage from that ion storm. It was nice talking with you.
(Gypsy slides off stage right and bumps into Mike, Bob, Bobo, and the 'bots.)
Mike: Hey Gypse. How's everything out here?
Gypsy: Pretty good. The Mads have made themselves at home pretty well. That Pearl is a lovely conversationalist. (Sliding off, muttering) Like a bunch of stupid, fragile, suicidal, newborn kittens. . .
Servo: Huh. Anyways, I've got a brilliant plan! The Widowmaker is still sitting in our dock, right?
Bob: Right. . .
Servo: So, alls we have to do is get the keys from Pearl and make a break for it! No more Mads, no more bad movies, no more bad fanfics!
Bobo: Oh! Can I be a part of your plan to escape from us?
Mike: (suddenly remembering Bobo) Uh. . . listen, there's some Duplos under the desk there. Why don't you go and play?
Bobo: Okay! (Bobo leaves)
Mike: Great, so how are we going to get the keys?
Servo: Okay, here's how it goes. Mike, you go over and hit on Pearl, and. . .
Mike: Hey now, wait a minute! I'll do no such thing. Have you forgotten that she's Dr. Forrester's mother?
Crow: Well, you gotta admit, she has aged pretty well.
Mike: (considering) Well, you got a point about -- (double take) What am I saying? No! Forget it!
Bob: Oh, come on, Mike! It'll just be for a nano! Do it for the good of the crew! Besides, think about it. . . no more bad movies ever again!
(Mike is torn.)
Mike: Oh, fine.
Servo: Great. While she's distracted, Bob runs up and grabs the keys, then we all make a break for the airlock.
(Pearl walks up suddenly)
Pearl: And just what the hell do you think you guys are doing?
(Everyone stops dead.)
Mike: Uh. . . Pearl! We were just. . . umm. . .
Pearl: Bathroom break's not for another half hour, Smellson. Get back in there and feel my wrath!
Mike: Oh, uh. . . right. Sorry.
Servo: Heh heh. . . must've forgot to set my clock back or. . . heh. . .
Bob: Yeah, let's just. . . right. . . .
(The guys leave. Pearl shakes her head at them, disgusted. Then she turns to Cambot.)
Pearl: What're you looking at? Get in there too!