(Mike and the Bots enter the theater.)

Tom: All right! Bob's gone! I get the left arm rest back!
Mike: Tom, your arms don't even work. Why do you need an arm rest?
Tom: Oh, I have my reasons, Nelson. . .

When they reached the kitchen, Bob asked, "What happened?"
"Enzo and Andri are talking," AndrAIa smiled.

Crow: Nudge nudge, wink wink, saynomore saynomore.

"Did you find out what was bothering little Enzo?" Matrix asked.

Crow: Sensitive as ever isn't he?
Tom: (Matrix) Enzo's girlfriend all but left him for a biker. I wonder what could be bothering him.

"Something Big Enzo will understand intimately," AndrAIa teased.
"What?" he asked.

Mike: (AndrAIa) Jock itch.
Tom: (Matrix) Hey! You promised you wouldn't bring that up!

"Guess!" she smiled.
"He was jealous of Drak?" Matrix looked at the handsome racer.
AndrAIa nodded.

Crow: You get a cookie.

"Very much so," Drak smiled.

Tom: (Drak) I mean, who can blame him? Heh heh heh. . .

"Can't imagine why..." AndrAIa teased Matrix, flirtily giving Drak a pointed once-over.

Crow: C'mon, just abandon your mate for the new character! It's a crossover! You know you want to!

"Maybe you should change back to your armor, Drak," Angel suggested.

Mike: (Angel) Gee, it's almost as though AndrAIa wants you to get killed off. Weird, huh?

"I guess so," Drak replied. He made as if to do so, then stopped. "No. I think I'll wait and ask Andri if I can."

Tom: Yep. Old ball and chain.

Matrix had reacted beautifully to AndrAIa's goading. His eye had turned red,

Crow: Dear God, get the Visine!

even though he knew AndrAIa was baiting him.
"Why ask Andri if you can change back, Drak?" Buffy asked.
"She was the one that wanted me in 'Biker Mode', as she called it," Drak smiled. "If her talk with little Enzo goes well, she'll be willing to let me go back into 'Vampire Mode'."

Mike: (Drak) If not, I'll just have to get used to being a pawn in her little game.

Buffy smiled at him, "She likes you!"

Tom: (Buffy) I just figured it out!

"Who?" Drak asked, grinning. "Andri or AndrAIa?"
"Both of us," AndrAIa purred, teasing Matrix something dreadful.

Crow: (AndrAIa) C'mon, one less crossover character oh please oh please oh please. . .

Now Isis looked like she was getting jealous.

Tom: (Isis) Look at all the attention she's giving him. What about my needs?

AndrAIa smiled at the Egyptian. "Peace!" she mouthed, "I'm only teasing Matrix..."

Mike: (Isis) "A mony pea May treats?" What?

Isis moved up to Drak. "Don't tease him too much," she mouthed back.

Crow: (AndrAIa) "Toe eem do mutt?" The hell?

"I won't: I don't want him to rip Drak's head off!" AndrAIa mouthed back.

Tom: (AndrAIa) I want him to linger just a little.

Isis put her arms around Drak's neck. She pulled him close and kissed him.

Mike: (Isis) This is to symbolize that you're my property and I own you.

Matrix shot AndrAIa a triumphant glance.

Crow: (Matrix) Ha! See? I can so make people kiss each other with my mind!

When Isis pulled herself away from Drak, the young vampire held his hand out to Matrix. "Friends?" he asked.
Matrix pulled a face,

Mike: Ow! My brother pulled his face once. Not a pretty picture.

but took the hand.

Tom: (Drak) Ow! Oh God, my hand! There's blood everywhere!
Mike: Okay, a little less darkness would do us some good.

Little Enzo and Andri arrived in the kitchen just in time to see Matrix shake Drak's hand.
"Told you Matrix would make friends with Drak," Andri giggled.
Enzo smiled, "You were right..."

Crow: (Enzo) Guess I owe you fifty bucks.

Matrix released Drak's hand. "And how did your talk go?" Drak asked.
"Okay," Enzo said.
"Friends again?" he asked.
"Yeah...friends..." they shared a glance at "friends".

Mike: Wow, what a load off my mind!
Tom: I thought they'd never see each other again, what with the biker and all.
Crow: I was preparing myself for a big let down there, and then ZING! They somehow manage to defy all odds and piece the broken, tattered shards of their relationship back together again.

Now, Drak held out his hand to the small sprite. "Are we friends, too?" he asked.
"Oh yeah!" Enzo smiled.
"Alright!" Drak laughed. As he and Enzo shared a handshake, Andri added her own hand to theirs.

Crow: (sigh) I love a happy ending. (He gets up to leave.)
Mike: (grabbing him by the shoulder) Nice try.

Dot heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Tom: (Dot) Wow, maybe now we can finally get on with the real story.
Crow: (AndrAIa, Surprised) There was a real story?

"Andri, may I go back into 'Vampire Mode', now?" Drak smiled at her.
"If you must..." she smiled.

Crow: (Andri) You know. Only if it's life or death.

"Thanks, Andri," he grinned. He gave her a kiss on the cheek. Then he stood up and activated his transformation power.

Mike: (Drak) It's Morphin Time!

In nanos, Drak was once again an armored vampire,

Tom: Eh, Miyu could still kick his butt.

the katana at his side.
Andri sighed a little once the transformation was complete.

Mike: (Andri) Well, time to find some other symbol to fixate on I suppose.

"I promice, Andri," Drak smiled. "If we ever get the chance when this is over, I'll go back into 'Biker Mode' and race a cycle, just for you."

Tom: (Drak) If this horrible story ever ends, I promise I'll go back to being your slave.

A smile of pure delight crossed her face, "Can I ride with you?" she begged.
"Only if Enzo won't get jealous," Drak smiled and winked at the small, green sprite.

Crow: (Enzo) Look, shut up! I said I was sorry, okay?

Enzo sighed somewhat, but didn't want to deny Andri the oppportunity.
"Will that be alright with you, Enzo?" Drak asked.
Enzo nodded, "S'pose so..."

Mike: (Enzo) Just give her back when you're done.

"Course, it wouldn't be a proper race without someone to race against me?" Drak said, pointedly.

Tom: (Drak) Not that it's ever stopped me from tearing down back roads at ridiculous speeds where children are at play.

He looked around the room for vollenteer opponents.
Matrix smiled, "I'll give it a go..."
"Your on!" Drak grinned.

Crow: Ten to one on Drak.
Tom: You're on.

"After the crisis is over," Dot reminded them.
"Yeah; whatever!" Matrix grinned.

Mike: (Matrix) That was a good forty pages ago. Live in the now.

"That done, you better sit down for breakfast. It's getting cold," Dot smiled.
Matrix smiled, "Yes, 'Mom!'"
Everyone laughed as they sat down to finish the morning meal.

Crow: Ha ha ha ha! Nothing like a good inbreeding joke!
Tom: Huh?
Mike: No, that's not why they were laughing!
Crow: Oh, really? Did I read that wrong? No, Matrix said that his sister was his mother, and. . .
Mike: Look, just never mind!

A vidwindow appeared, "Oooh...breakfast! And I wasn't invited!!"

Crow: (AndrAIa) That's because you hog all the waffles.

"Wha...?" Bob gasped.
"Hello, Bobby," Dash smiled.

Tom: (Bobby) Hello Aunt Ruth.

"Forget your beauty sleep again, Dash?" Matrix asked.

Mike: That's just the kind of witty comment we've come to expect from our favorite renegade instead of his usual glower, isn't it?

"Touche, renegade...I slept like a baby, thank-you sooo much for asking..." she winked.

Crow: (Dash) I woke up screaming several times in the middle of the night and had to be rocked back to sleep.

"What do you want, Dash?" Bob asked wearily, as if he had asked the question too many times before. Which he probibly had.

Tom: Not that it matters or that we care.

"Where is your courtesy, 452?" she asked.
"You don't want to know, Dash. You don't want to know," Bob said.

Mike: (Dash) Eww, I'm sorry I asked.

"It went the same place as your wife's figure? Looking a tad porky there, 'dear sister'..." Dash smiled.

Crow: The incredibly evil girl who picked on you in high school!

As Dot fummed, Cordy, who had overslept, entered the room.

Tom: (Cordelia) Geeze, this place is big as a football field and no room service? Give me a break!

Sleepily, thinking that the vid-window was a televison someone had left on all night, she said, "UGH!

Crow: (Cordelia) I can't believe you're watching "Regis and Cathy Lee"!

Can't you guys find something better to watch then the Roseanne Barr show?"

Tom: (Buffy) All we get is UPN, so no.

With that, Cordy closed the vid-window on Dash.

Crow: Yay!

Dash's vidwindow reappeared,

Crow: Boo!

"Okay; she's going to experience pain," Dash said matter of factly, glaring at Cordy.

Mike: (Dash) I'll use my horribly evil powers of. . . ummm. . . well, she will.

Cordy, finally awake, and, realizing that what she had just "turned off" was the Wicked Witch of the Web,

Crow: Oh, come on. She's just Dot with a ridiculous libido.

hid behind the biggest thing she could find --

Tom: Dot.


Tom: Oh.

"Ohh...I can't see you, girl; wherever did you go?!" Dash's sarcasm was palapable.

Mike: As this which I now draw.

Cordy trembled behind Matrix. This was no way to start a day!
Matrix growled at Dash. "Ooooh feral!!" She smiled, "I love an old-fashioned man!!"

Mike: (Dash) Wait a second. . . technically, you're my brother. . . Ewww!

Cordy still had her cross.

Tom: (Cordelia) Hey, so THAT'S what was poking me in my sleep last night.

She held it out in front of her as if to ward off Dash with it.
"That doesn't work on me, child," Dash smiled.

Crow: (Prince of Space) Your weapons are useless against me!

Now, another vid-window appeared. A red-skinned woman in black, leather clothes and a white, mask-like face, appeared.

Tom: A Kabuki actor? But why?

"Hello there, Hex!" Dash smiled.
"Oh, hello, Dash," Hex frowned. Then, she smiled, "Chimera left you out of your cage again?"

Mike: (Dash) Yeah. He's changing the paper.

"No, Hex, dear; the cage at the Tor is purely for recreational purposes..." Dash grinned evilly.

Crow: (Dash) It's got this great hamster wheel.

"And what are you doing up so early?" Hex asked. "I would think you'd be stirring something up in a little cauldron somewhere."

Tom: (Hex) I've brewed, like, ten things already today! You call yourself a witch? Get off your laurels!

"Charm itself as usual, Hexadecimal..."
"Thank you," Hex smiled.

Mike: (Hex) I do try to keep my. . . hey, that was sarcasm!

"But why are you bothering them at breakfest?

Crow: (Hex) I though villain etiquette demanded you wait at least until lunch.

I would think that your master would be feeding you at this time of a morning."

Tom: (Dash) He's just a late sleeper.

"Chimera is not my master!

Mike: (Dash) I'll have you know that I carry the whip around here!

He'd be more likely to be feeding on me anyway..."

Crow: (Dash) Still, the sex is great.

"My dear Dash," Hex grinned. "You just contradicted yourself!

Tom: Why does Hex's dialogue suddenly sound a lot like Megabyte's?

You claim that Chimera is not your master, but at the same time, you say that he'd be feeding on you...like a master does his slave."

Tom: More like a pet snake does his owner.

Xander made a sound like a falling misslie and a fake little explosion.

Mike: Unfortunately, the story's still here.
Crow: It was worth a shot, Xander.
Tom: Yeah. It's the thought that counts.

"And the Wicked Witch of the Web takes a staggering blow to the ego!" he grinned.

Tom: (Xander) Certainly that convoluted analogy put her in her place!

"He's going to be hurt too," came a sinister voice from behind Dash.

Mike: (Xander) After years of wedgies in High School? I can take it!

As the shadows crept across her body a sound of pure pleasure escaped her throat.

Crow: (Dash) Mmm, Spearmint gum! Pure chewing satisfaction!

"Chimera!" she smiled.
Cordy held up her cross again, praying that it would work.

Mike: Unfortunately, the story's still here.
Tom: Try a flamethrower or something!

Over the vid-window, she was not sure.
"Child, only direct contact with those detestable things works..." Chimera smiled hypnotically.

Crow: You know, I have this sudden urge to cluck like a chicken.
Tom: Really? I want to murder my family. Weird.
Mike: McDonald's sure makes good food. I want to eat a lot of food from McDonald's.

"Darn!" Cordy huffed.

Crow: (Codry) The G-rating on this won't let me say anything else! Oh...poopie!

At least, he had confirmed that the crosses would work against him and Pixil. Drak had drawn his sword, an automatic reaction in confrontation with a vampire.

Crow: (singing) Heeere we aaare. . . booorn to be kiings. . .

"Ooh...that's going to work!" Dash exclaimed as she leaned closer to Chimera.
"It will," Drak assured her.

Tom: (Dash) Is there an echo in here? That's what I just said!

Dash simply hissed at him, pressing herself against her vampiric lover.

Mike: (Dash) Defend me stock villain!

Now, Hexadecimal manifested herself in the kitchen.

Tom: Right in their breakfasts.
Mike: (Bob) Hex! That was my toast!
Crow: (Hexadecimal) Oops. Sorry.

Buffy and her friends got to see the ex-virus up close.
Buffy blinked a couple of times, but shrugged it off.

Crow: (Buffy) I've got one of those at home.

"I would say that you were worse then my brother, Dash, dear, but you would probibily take that as a compliment," Hex smile.

Tom: (Hex) Plus I'd be lying.

She turned toward Buffy. "Hello, there," she smiled.

Mike: (Buffy) Hey. Back at ya.

"It is a compliment, Hexy dismal..." Dash smiled, and leaned behind her, carressing Chimera's face.

Crow: (Chimera) So...were those my only lines back there? Yeah, guess so.

"I thought as much," Hex smiled. Hex suddenly sent a pair of lighting bolts into the vid-window.

Tom: (Ness) PK Thunder!

They missed Dash and Chimera, but instead powered up the lights in the room.

Mike: (Dash) What? The Electric company's going to charge us through the ROOF for this!

The result was that the Tor was lit up in blinding light that would take seconds to fade away.

Crow: (Chimera) I knew those sun lamps were a bad investment, AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Dash wrapped her arms protectively around Chimera in an attempt to shield him from the light, "you B-TCH!!!" Dash screamed.

Mike: (Dash) How dare you turn on our lights!
Tom: Batch?
Crow: Botch?
Tom: Butch?

"Nice talking with you, Dash," Hex smiled. She reached over and closed the vid-window.
Dash was seething.

Tom: (Dash) How dare she try to kill my captor!

Hex must pay!!
"Whoah!" Xander cheered. "Way to go, Hexadecimal!"
Buffy clapped loudly in respect.
"Thank you, dears," Hex smiled, bowing to them.

Mike: (Hex) All right, now I need someone from the audience. . .

Giles smiled at her.

Crow: (Giles) Duh. . . lady. . .

"Are these the new Users in Mainframe?

Tom: (Hexadecimal) I think I still have the old ones in my fridge...

The ones that are going to help beat back the virals?" Hex asked.

Mike: (Buffy) Oh, no. Those are some other Users. We're just bumming around.

"Yeah: I'm Buffy!" the blond smiled.
"Pleased to meet you," Hex smiled,

Tom: (Hex) I'm starving!

holding out her hand.
Buffy shook the hand

Crow: (Buffy, looking down) Hey, you only have four fingers. Creepy.

and smiled.
Hex turned her attention to Willow. The computer witch senced a kindered spirit in the red-haired girl.

Crow: (Hex) I bet she likes burning things too!

"Umm.. hi!" Willow offered.
"Are you a witch, too?" Hex asked.

Mike: (Hex) Shouldn't you be brewing something too? C'mon, am I the only one who works around here?

"Umm...kind of!" Willow smiled.
"We must definately share some recipies, then!" Hex smiled at her.

Crow: (Hex) Hope you like chaos and destruction.

"I Umm...have a good curse for returning a vampire's soul..." Willow smiled at Angel.

Tom: (Angel) Hey, smile when you say tha -- oh, you did.

"Oooo...sounds like fun!" Hex clapped her hands.

Crow: (Hex) User knows we've been plagued with a lot of vampires lately! It's almost as if this could be a solution to something...hmm...

"Yeah...but it could've been timed better, Will..." Buffy sighed.

Tom: (Willow) Fine then. YOU try channeling horribly powerful occult forces through your brain while in a hospital bed.

"True enough," Willow returned the sigh.
Angel frowned, "Ladies; don't dwell on it..."

Mike: I mean, what's a trip to hell between friends?

"He's right," Buffy smiled. "Angel's back, and that's all that matters now." She reached and gripped his hand.
Angel wrapped his arms around Buffy tightly.

Crow: Is anyone else getting a sort of vague feeling that there's some sort of emotional attachment between these two?
Mike: Hmmmm. . . could be. . .

Hex smiled at the couple.
"Cute, aren't they?" Willow smiled.
"Indeed," the ex-virus smiled.

Tom: (Hex) They'd look so nice above the mantle.

Willow smiled, "I have a few other little interesting things...

Mike: (Willow) I can turn traffic lights green just by staring at them.

I'm not a full witch yet though..."
"Well, maybe we can work together to improve you magic," Hex smiled.
"They're going to help us against the viral's, Hex," Jo Ann said.
"Sounds great!" Willow smiled.

Tom: Hey kids! Can you spot the quote that's completely out of place in this conversation?

"There's a few things you should know about Hex, first," Bob told them.

Mike: (Bob, lowering his voice) Don't mention the mask-face thing, whatever you do.

Bob explained everything about Hex, right up to the point where Buffy and her friends had first saw her.

Crow: Yay! The authors are skipping the stuff we already know for a change!

"Oh...okay..." Buffy sighed.
"Don't worry," Bob smiled. "She's on our side, like Angel and Drak are on yours."
Buffy smiled, "As long as you're no blood-sucker, Hex!"

Tom: (Hex) Well, so much for that.

"Of course not, dear!" Hex smiled.
Buffy smiled at her.

Crow: (Buffy) I'll kill you LATER.

"Now...what are we going to do about Dash, Chimera, and Pixil?" Hex asked.

Mike: Umm, have everyone sit around and let Buffy take care of everything?

"You could curse Pixil and Chimera..." Buffy suggested, joking.
"I curse them everyday, child; it doesn't work," Hex gave her a half-smile.

Crow: (Buffy) No, I meant that thing with the soul-returning. I think it could work!

Dot laughed and reached out to squeeze Hex's hand appreciatively.

Tom: Why don't you just kiss her? You know you want to!

"We found out one of Dash's weaknesses," Jo Ann said. "Insult Megabyte in front of her.

Crow: (Jo Ann) Or crush her head or attack her with some form of weapon or just about anything, really.

It makes her mad, and she can't work her mimic powers when she's mad."

Tom: (Jo Ann) Kind of a gaping setback to her magic really.

"But she's become less vulnerable to that as she and Chimera got closer..."
"True," Jo Ann sighed. "Then what?"

Mike: Umm, do something to make her die?

"I don't know...she's hard to predict 'cause she's so fluid," Dot sighed.

Tom: (Dot) And she's alive. Maybe we should do something about that too.

"What else could make her go nuts?" Xander asked.

Mike: (Buffy) We could all speak backwards or something.

"She seemed to go into ecstacy when that freaky Chimera guy appeared," Buffy shuddered.

Crow: Great! So we all dress up like Chimera, then --

"Insult Chimera?" Xander ventured.

Mike: Insulting people -- an effective solution with real value.

"He'd rip your head off, dear...or that harpy of a sister of his," Hex told him.
"Physical attack, like Buffy did, then?"
"I think so..." Dot sighed.

Tom: (Dot) Kind of unorthodox. Let's try and think of some insult-based strategy to fall back on.

"Attack their base?" Buffy suggested.

Crow: (Dot) Look, stop coming up with solutions that'll work! This story will be over in five minutes!

"The Tor, even ruined, is a difficult place to attack," AndrAIa said.

Mike: (AndrAIa) You've gotta book a reservation, like, three months in advance.

"Ahh...that bites!"
"There's got to be something..." Xander sighed.
"Ambush?" Buffy suggested.
"That's easier said, then done," Bob admitted. He explained about the virals' powers.

Crow: (Bob) They can eat their weight in Ho-Hos, and they can make change for a dollar.

Buffy pulled a face, "What about letting them capture me,

All: YES! Woo hoo! (Celebratory noises)
Mike: (Buffy) I'm not DONE yet!
All: Oh. (Mumbled apologies)

then I'll escape and take 'em on one by one?"
"No!" Angel yelled quickly.

Tom: (Angel) I mean, umm. . . I don't sympathize with the vampires!

"Angel..." Buffy have him her 'I'm the slayer; I can take care of myself' look.
"Angel's right," Wild Card said. "That plan never works."

Mike: (Wild Card) They don't take prisoners. Makes it kinda hard.

"It has worked!" Buffy pouted, indignant.
"They won't fall for the same trick twice," Matrix said.
"Not with them..." Buffy sighed.
"We've already tried that, though.

Crow: (Matrix) Can't you imply anything?

Chimera saw right through it."
"Great...what about nuking the Tor?"
They were saved from having to answer

Tom: And the authors were saved from trying to explain why it's not plausible.

by a vid-window that just popped up. In it was a huge sprite with sea-green skin and a blond crewcut.

Mike: Huh. This guy's new.

He wore a blue Guardian uniform and gold wrist bracers. On the left bracer sat a keytool.
"Hello there, Uncle Turbo!" Dot smiled.

Tom: What the -- Turbo?
Crow: I thought he was blue.
Mike: Maybe there's something wrong with our TV.
Tom: It's happened before.

"Howdy, Dot!" Turbo grinned. "Howdy, everyone!"
"Howdy, Uncle Turbo!" Jo Ann grinned.

Crow: I really hope they're using "uncle" as an affectionate term here.
Tom: What, you're saying Jo Ann and Dot aren't cousins?

"That's Turbo?" Buffy asked.

Crow: (Bob) Do you EVER pay attention to what people say?

"Yep!" Bob grinned.
"Who da ya have there, Bob?" the Prime Guardian asked.
"I'm Buffy Summers: Vampire Slayer, at your service!" the petite blonde smiled at him.

Mike: (Buffy) I've available for birthday parties and bar mitzfas.

"Vampire Slayer?" Turbo asked, looking to Bob for further explaination.

Tom: (Bob) Well basically she finds vampires, and then she slays them.

Bob smiled, "Long story..."

Crow: Tell us about it.

"Can ya give me tha short version?" Turbo asked.

Tom: This is the short version.

"She's a User with experience fighting vampires!" Bob offered.
"A User?" Turbo blinked.

Mike: (Turbo) What's that?

"Yeah, that's me!" Buffy grinned.
"Is she here ta help in fightin' the virals?" Turbo asked.

Crow: (Turbo) This means that I can call of that fifteen platoon squadron I was sending over to help, right?

"We think so," Dot told him.
"Have ya told her 'bout Daemon an' Megabyte yet?"
"I got the short version," Buffy told him.
"Maybe ya should tell 'er the long version.

Tom: NO!

Every little detail."

Tom: You sick bastard!
Mike: All right, let's calm down now. . .

"D'ya think?" Bob asked. The Mainframers heard a familer female voice out of the sight range of the vid-window.

Crow: (System Voice) Am I going to have a part in here besides announcing games or not?

"Is that Interface, [beloved]?"

Crow: Sure is, [sweety].
Mike: I have no idea but we thank you for stopping the reminiscing.

"Monitor!" Bob grinned.
The beautiful Guardian cadet/healer came into range and draped an arm around Turbo, "Hey there, good lookin'..."

Tom: (Dot) Bob? Just how many ex-girlfriends do you have running around?

she smiled.
"Good to see you again, Monitor," Jo Ann smiled.
"Hey, Jo."

Crow: (Monitor) Still have your own series I see.

she smiled. "Is there something wrong?" she asked Turbo.
"The virals; again!" Jo Ann sighed.

Tom: (Monitor) Hmm. What about nuking the Tor?


Crow: Hey, that's not a nice thing to say!


Mike: Before collapsing from lack of breath.

Monitor giggled and Turbo smiled. "Slow down [little whirlwind]!" Monitor encouraged.

Mike: What's with the brackets?
Crow: I'm guessing there was a lot of cussing, and this is the dubbed-over version that they show on network TV.

Taking a deep breath, Enzo repeated himself, slower, this time.
"Vampires? In the Principal Office?!"

Mike: (Dot) Well it was late and we were tired.

"Relax, Monitor!" Bob smiled. "Angel is a vampire with a soul. Drak is half-vampire and half-human. As Enzo just said, both are good vampires."

Crow: (Bob) Unless of course Angel's HUMAN soul was bad too but hey, when have Users ever been evil?

Monitor sighed,

Tom: (Monitor) I'd better have no more than a bit part in this.

"I trust you, Interface..."
"Thanks," Bob smiled.
"Why'd she call you 'Interface', " Drak asked Bob.

Crow: (Bob) Well uhm...er...
Mike: (Dot) A-hem.
Crow: (Bob) Why don't we just concentrate on Jo Ann some more now?

"She knew me as Interface when she saved me from the Web." Bob smiled.
"It's Bob's Web Rider name," Jo Ann said. "Mine is 'Jem'."

Crow: (Jo Ann) It's truly outrageous.
Tom: (Dot) Mine is 'Suzie'.
Crow: (Matrix) I'm 'Mr.T'.
Mike: (Ray) For some reason I'm known as "Fudge".

Realising they probably would have to spend years in Mainframe to completely understand, the group from Sunnydale shrugged and smiled politely.

Crow: (Sunnydalers, thinking) The Hellmouth never looked so good.
Tom: I thought these guys said they watched the show.

"What is it that I can do for you, Turbo?" Bob asked.
"Ah was just contactin' ya to share some good news,"

Mike: (Turbo) Ah finally have all the "Futurama" episodes on tape!

the Prime smiled.
"Which is?" Bob asked.

Tom: (Turbo) We've found out how they REALLY get caramel into Caramilk bars!

Monitor smiled warmly at them and rasied her left hand.

Crow: (Dot) Yes Monitor, we see you already.

"Monitor has done me tha honor of agreein' ta become mah wife!" Turbo announced proudly.

Tom: (Monitor) What the-YOU never asked me THAT! You just said the Mainframer's wanted to say hello!

"Contragulations!" Bob cried happily.
"Oh!! I'm so happy for you both!!"

Crow: (Dot) See how I'm using double exclamation marks?

Dot smiled, "Uncle Turbo!! 'Aunt' Monitor!"

Mike: Now that was uncalled for.
Tom: Sorry. Just slipped out.

"It's happened!" Jo Ann laughed. "Dot's calling an old rival, 'Aunt'! Congrats, Uncle Turbo and Aunt Monitor!"

Mike: (Jo Ann) Wait a second, whose aunt and uncle are you really? I'm confused now...

"An old rival, Jo Ann?" Monitor raised an eyebrow, "If I had intended to

Crow: (Monitor) I could have had Dot any cycle of the second!

steal Interface, I would have!"
"With the Cupid Conspiritors on the job? Not likely!" AndrAIa laughed.

Tom: Please...tell me I didn't just read that.
Crow: We did.
Mike: So in here AndrAIa has given up any pretense of being serious or dignified and giggles a lot while speaking like someone from "The Babysitter's Club".

"Oooh...you never know, AndrAIa, honey!" Monitor teased.

Crow: (Matrix) I feel oddly jealous right now.

AndrAIa just laughed.
Turbo frowned slightly,

Tom: (Turbo) Should she be acting like that?

"Its not exaclty flatterin' tah here mah fiancee talk about anohter man lahke that...

Mike: (Turbo) I thought we were going to save it for the talkshows.

'specially an old friend!" he teased Monitor.
"He's right, Monitor!" Bob laughed. "Dot has me; you have Turbo. What more could either of you ladies want?"

Mike: (AndrAIa) Money?
Crow: (Dot) Women?
Tom: (AndrAIa) A home without vampires running around threatening our lives daily?

Dot and Monitor cackled wildly.
"Have you set a date?" Wild Card asked.

Crow: (Turbo) I believe she said something about "When pigs fly".

"No; not yet!" Turbo smiled.
{Hi boys!} Intel greeted the male Mainframer keytools.

Tom: (Glitch) Hey!
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Didn't you ever read that fic with Glitch by Verna?
Crow: Noooo...
Tom: (Sighing) Forget it then.

[Hi, Intel!] Packard said.
[How's things goin'?] Logo asked.

Mike: At least no one has just come out and named their keytool "Microsoft" yet.

[Nice to see you, Intel!] Glitch smiled.

Tom: Quite a feat since he and Bob are merged.

[I'm pretty good; fellas! how are you boys? and how are you, ma'am?]
[We're fine, Intel!] the three said, together.

Crow: (Intel) So you never got that speaking in unison thing fixed, huh?

{I am well, Intel,} Pixal said with quiet dignity.

Tom: Now there's something we haven't seen a single other character achieve.

{Glad to hear it!! I hope we come to Mainframe soon; Copeland's being a pain!}
[Am not!] Copeland beeped indignantly.

Tom: (Copeland) I'm telling my guardian! Turboooo!

"Intel and Copeland have had an argument," Monitor explained to the keytools.

Crow: (Dot) Uhm, not to intrude but...what the hell are you talking about?

[Uh, oh!] Logo, Packard, and Glitch said together.
{Oh, dear...} Pixal said.

Mike: Hey, it's Phong's keytool!

"What about?" Bob asked.
{He was chatting up gif!} Intel snapped. {But enough about that; any news from you lovely gentlemen in Mainframe?}

Crow: So...there are how many keytools here now?
Tom: A bunch?
Crow: Good enough.

[Other then Buffy and friends showing up, no,] Glitch replied.
{Oh...you're looking well, Packard!! You too, Logo!}

Mike: (Intel) Did you get a new paintjob? Oh, I know! It's a hotwax, isn't it?

Intel smiled.

Crow: AUUGH!
Tom: Even the KEYTOOLS can smile here?! That's not right! It's just not right!
Mike: (Patting them both on the backs) I know fellas, I know.

Copeland made a jealous bleep

Mike: I hope it's a keytool and not a person he's jealous of there...

[Thanks,] the two keytools blushed.
Intel smiled warmly.

Tom: Stop doing that!

{What about you, ma'am? Anything exciting happen to you?}

Crow: See, I think this is the part where the authors assumed we'd care about the dialouge between keytools, which would have been fine provided they talked about something interesting.

{No. Just keeping a scanner out for those viruses,} Pixal sighed. {Dot and Jo Ann need contant guarding.}

Mike: (Intel) What about nuking the Tor?

{You sound tired, ma'am...} Copeland observed.
{Yes. And worried. The virals are getting closer. If it wasn't for the assistance of Buffy and her friends...} Pixal sighed.

Crow: (Pixal) It was just a Godsend that they slept over and had breakfast with us.

[{Turbo, We should be there to help!!}] Intel and Copeland declared at the same time.
"Yes, we should," Turbo said.

Mike: 'Cause if there's one thing this story needs, it's more characters.

"At last! The two of you agree on something!" Monitor said.
Intel beeped something exceptionally rude in Web-Rider at Monitor

Tom: (Intel) Your mother was a Microsoft Entertainment Package!

[INTEL!?] Jo Ann and Bob cried in shock.
{Sorry...} the keytool didn't sound at all repentant.
"Well, let's git ta a portal an' git ta Mainframe," Turbo suggested.

Crow: (Monitor) But don't your duties as the leader of the entire Guardian collective require you to --
Mike: (Turbo) Ah, someone'll cover for me.

{Ooh, wonderful!!} Intel exclaimed. {Hear that boys? I'm comin' to visit!!}

Tom: Keytools, lock up your sons!

[Yah!] Packard cheered.
[I guess,] Logo sighed.
{What's wrong, Logo, babe?} Intel asked,

Crow: (Logo) My turtle's out of ink.

{not happy that I'm coming to visit?}
[Oh, I'm happy, but worried.]

Mike: (Logo) Because I live in a war zone.

[About the virals. Dash may suspect about the babies. She made some remark to Dot...]
{Oh no!!} Intel gasped in synch with Turbo, Monitor and Copeland.

Tom: Not some remark! Not to Dot! No!

[Yeah...] Logo sighed.
"Let's go then!!" Monitor exclaimed.

Crow: You sure you don't want to throw some more bantering in here before they go, story?

A silver globe appeared, from out of which stepped Turbo and Monitor.

Mike: The globe from out of which they exited out to the outside of.

Buffy and the others got a their first real good look at Turbo.
"Ooh...uh, hi!" Buffy smiled.

Tom: (Buffy) Gee, I. . . I kinda thought you were blue.

"Howdy," Turbo greeted her.
Buffy held out her hand for him to shake.
He took it and shook.

Crow: Page after page of hot, greeting action!

"Firm grip," she observed, smiling at him.
"Thank ya," he smiled.

Mike: (Turbo) I've been working on it.

"Buffy; don't get all macho with the leader guy!" Cordy hissed.
"Buffy sparred with Matrix and fought him to a draw last night," Bob explained.

Tom: (singing) My baby fought me to a draw last night. . .


Crow: (Enzo) Picking stuff up is cool! I wish I could pick stuff up!

"Has he ever tried to tackle Turbo?" Drak asked Bob.
"Naah..." Matrix smiled.

Tom: (Enzo) The hell I haven't.

Turbo had deciphered the small sprite's ranting. He looked at Buffy, impressed.

Mike: I guess picking people up is just a really big thing in Mainframe.

Buffy smiled at him, taking in the praise from the look.
"I'm tougher than I look," she explained.
"Much tougher!" Willow smiled.
"Willow!" Buffy blushed. "Don't brag!"

Crow: (Buffy) Only I get to brag!

"Hey! You've earned it!" Angel joked.
"Shhhh..." Buffy placed her fingers on his lips. "Yeah, Matrix and I sparred; we both got hurt though: don't try this at home, kiddies!" she chuckled.

Tom: (Buffy) Unless you're a Spice Girl. Then you should destroy yourself as much as you want.

"Yeah, she twisted something in her back, and she twisted my wrists," Matrix grinned.
Buffy laughed and hugged the large sprite.

Mike: Joined by their bond of mutual destruction.

"What are we going to do about the virals?" Monitor asked.

Crow: (Monitor) How about nuking the Tor?

"We've been talking strategy here; but nothing seems to be a good idea...I personally like the idea of attacking them on their own turf!" Buffy explained.

Tom: (Buffy) But everyone just has this big problem with nuking the Tor. You never really got back to me about that, by the way. And what about that soul-returning curse?
Mike: (Bob) Look, don't make me get the gag out again.

"What weaknesses have ya found?" Turbo asked.
"Not many..." Dot sighed.

Crow: (Dot) They seem to be completely immune to insults of any kind.

"Well, what are tha ones ya do have?"
"Dash's is her temper; Pix and Chim have vampire problems with light and garlic and stakes..."

Mike: And lactose intolerance.

"And crosses!" Oz piped up. "Don't forget crosses!"

Tom: (Oz) I'm still in this story! Pay attention to me! Give me a line, dammit!

"And crosses, thanks Teen Wolf!" Buffy teased the werewolf guitarist.

Tom: (Oz) Don't make me go back to limbo! I don't like it there! AAAAAAAUUUGH!
Crow: Whoops, there he goes. See ya in another hundred pages, Oz.

"Except that they don't work over vid-windows," Cordy huffed, remembering her encounter with Chimera earlier.

Mike: I guess our plan to kill them via vid-windows is cancelled.

"Soo...any input, Mr. Turbo?" Buffy asked.
"Hmmmm...." Turbo said, thoughtfully.

Tom: (snorting laugh) Take your time, it was a hard question.

While Turbo thought, Buffy did a few stretches and exercises.

Crow: (Dot) Turbo's thinking. Maybe we should catch a movie or something while we're waiting.

Jo Ann experienced a momentary twinge of pain in her abdomen,

Tom: Hey, my voodoo dolls have a delayed reaction response.
Mike: Well, at least they're working.

but it passed quickly.
Wild Card wrapped a protective arm around her. "Are you okay?"

Crow: (Wild Card) Is child-bearing too hard? You gonna cry? Huh?

"I...I...think so," she gasped. She leaned on Wild Card's shoulder.
"Are you sure, love?" Wild Card asked.

Tom: (Jo Ann) I don't know, let me think about it.

"I think..." there was another twinge, but it, too, passed.
Dot frowned, and called a doctor over a vidwindow.

Mike: (Dot) She's acting up again. Could you send us some more medication?

Wild Card held Jo Ann gently as Bob rushed over to her and began to scan. Dot talked with the doctor.
Bob's worried frown changed to a smile.

Crow: There's a surprise.

"What is it? Surely, it's not time for the baby, yet?!" Jo Ann asked him.

Tom: (Bob) Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.

He nodded.
"How long as it been?" she asked, nearly panicing.

Mike: Since we started? At least five hours.
Crow: Really? It feels more like seventeen.

"Long enough," Bob smiled, "eight minutes?"
"Yes..." Jo Ann calmed down and smiled at him.

Tom: (Jo Ann) Yay! I love going into labor!

Dot slipped over to Jo Ann and hugged her.
"What about you, Dot?" she asked.

Mike: (Jo Ann) C'mon, I thought we agreed it'd be a simultaneous delivery.

"Its not my time yet," Dot smiled, almost enviously.

Crow: (Dot) I wish my abdomen was being torn apart from the inside.

"I must have been pregnant for longer then you, and not known it, then," Jo Ann smiled.
"Either that, or your User physiology has meant a shorter pregnancy..." Dot smiled.

Mike: 'Cause, you know, it takes humans a lot less than eight minutes to have a baby.

"That's possible," Jo Ann agreed. She looked at Bob and said, "Bob, would you deleiver the baby, please?"

Tom: (Bob) Sure! Where do you want to deliver it to?

Bob looked surprised. "Me?"
"Yes," Jo Ann smiled and nodded. "Please?"

Crow: (Wild Card) Umm, hi, remember me? Your life partner? Well, fine, let the real character do everything.

"I'd...I'd be honoured...I've never done this before..."

Mike: (Bob) Well there was that one time in College but that was just part of a fraternity initiation.

He smiled at her. Monitor left the room to get some towels and water-- she had done it before--

Crow: Of course, it had only been for her job at the waterpark.

and the doctor brought the necessaries from the infirmiry.

Tom: You know, chisel, welding torch, chainsaw. . .

Buffy had paled somewhat. "Uh, I'm gonna go pick a fight with the virals; k?" she said and left the room; closely followed by the rest of the humans.

Crow: (Giles) Yes, umm. . . let's all go pick a fight with the virals. (under his breath) Get me out of here before she blows.

Drak had remained, as had Isis. They would guard against an attack on the PO.
"It's in the Guardian programming, Bob," Jo Ann smiled. "Look under

Crow: Midwifery!

'Emergency Baby Delivery'. Believe me, it's there."
Bob laughed. She was right.

Mike: Right between "Emergency Baking" and "Emergency Anthropology".

There was another twinge of pain. "Wild Card?!" Jo Ann called.
Wild Card squeezed her hand. "I'm here love..."
"Don't leave me," she whispered.

Tom: (Wild Card, nervously) Umm. . . I wasn't sneaking off!

"Need an extra hand to squeeze?" Matrix smiled, as he offered her his large, strong hand.

Mike: (Rockbiter) These look like good, strong hands, don't they?

She smiled at him and took it. He held her hand securely in his own.
AndrAIa smiled. He could be so sweet.

Crow: Umm, no he couldn't.

"Thank you," she whispered to the renagade. He smiled, and gave her a brotherly kiss on the forehead.

Mike: Could you at least clean up the breakfast dishes before you have your baby in the kitchen?

AndrAIa quietly took charge of little Enzo and Andri.

Tom: (AndrAIa) La la la. . . just enjoying my fate as the designated mother figure for the orphans. . . do dee doo. . .

"Come on, kids. Lets go to the diner and get some ice-cream sundaes..."
"What's happening, AndrAIa?" little Enzo asked.
"Jo's going to have her baby..." AndrAIa explained, leading them out of the room.

Mike: No! Take us with you!
Crow: I don't want to read about Jo Ann giving birth!
Tom: We'll even pay! It'll be our treat!

Jo Ann gasped as another stab of pain went through her. Bob tried to use his powers to ease the pain as much as he could.

Crow: But she just kept screaming for morphine.

Monitor returned with the towels.
"Here you go, Interface," she smiled and wiped the sweat from Jo Ann's brow with a warm cloth.

Tom: (Bob) Ew, don't give ME the sweat-rag!

"Thanks," Bob said. "Come on, Jo: Push!"

Mike: (Jo Ann) Oh, sorry, I was pulling.

Jo Ann pushed as hard as she could.
Wild Card squeezed Jo Ann's hand and encouraged her.

Crow: (Wild Card) Yes! Push more! Continue pushing!

Jo Ann squeezed Wild Card's hand back, as well as Matrix's. Every time a stab of pain went through her, Jo would squeeze their hands, hard.
Matrix and Wild Card would exchange looks of "Ouch!" each time she squeezed.

Tom: You know, I thought it would be more fun to see Jo Ann going through blinding pain, but it's just leaving me hollow inside.

"Come on, Jo...you can do this! Push!" Bob encouraged.

Mike: (Jo Ann) Oh yeah, I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.

Each time Bob said, "Push!" Jo Ann would do so, pain shooting up inside her each time.

Mike: And she would scream "Shut up! You think I don't know that? You're just making it worse!"

"Come on, Jo," Monitor encouraged. "You're nearly there!"
"One more push, sis, and it'll be over," Bob smiled through the sweat and tears on his face.

Crow: Hold on! Time out! Flag on the play!
Tom: Oh my God! If she's his sister, and Wild Card's his brother, and. . .
Mike: (putting his head in his hands) I really, really hope we're reading this wrong.

"Come on, JoJo...

Mike: You're a man who thought he was a loner!

DO it!" Matrix whispered in her ear.
"Come on, Jo Ann!! I can see a head!" Bob exclaimed.

Tom: (Wild Card) Umm, yes. . . do that. . . one thing you're doing. Uh, good job, I suppose.

Jo Ann pushed hard, barely stiffling a scream of pain.

Crow: In fact, not stifling it at all and screaming right in Matrix's ear.

Wild Card hugged her

Mike: (Jo Ann) Don't touch me! This is all your fault!

and Monitor wiped her brow. "That's the head, Jo!! One more push and I think it'll be all over..." Bob smiled.

Tom: Wow, two minutes. Humans take an awful lot of time to have babies.
Crow: Yeah, you should get yourselves more organized. That should take, what, thirty seconds tops?
Mike: I don't think you guys understand. . .
Tom: I don't know, maybe install a flip-top lid or something like that. . .
Mike: Okay, c'mon. . .

Taking a deep breath, Jo Ann pushed as hard as she could.
Bob took the baby up in his arms and Monitor wrapped a towel around the new-born.

Crow: For the sake of our sanity, let's assume that the baby came out somewhere between those paragraphs.

"It's a girl!" Bob announced, tears of joy running down his face as he gave the baby to its mother.
"Congratulations!" Monitor smiled.
"Thank you," a tired User Guardian whispered happily.

Tom: Meanwhile, Jo Ann was in another room going through horrible labor for the next few hours.

Wild Card smiled at her, "She's beautiful..."
"What about a name?" Bob asked.

Crow: Great. Another character thrown into this horrible mess.

"Azura," Jo Ann smiled. "It's from the word, 'azure', meaning, 'light blue' or, 'sky blue'. I thought the name was appropreate."
Wild Card smiled at her, "I love it..."

Mike: (Wild Card) I was just thinking of calling her "Bluey". Yours is a lot better.

Jo Ann smiled happily as she recieved hugs, kisses,and congradulations from everyone in the room.
Dot hugged her especially hard, almost envious.

Crow: Riiiiight. . . envious.
Mike: (Jo Ann) Umm, my ribs. . . Dot? Ack. . .

"You're next, Dot!" Jo Ann laughed. Buffy and the others reentered the room.

Tom: (Buffy) Hi. We nuked the Tor while you were giving birth. We're going home now.

"You guys missed the most beautiful moment..." Drak smiled through tears, his voice a soft whisper.

Crow: (Drak) There was birth fluid everywhere. (sigh)

Buffy smiled and approached the new family, tears forming in her eyes.
"Hi, Buffy. Meet Azura," Jo Ann smiled.
"Hello there," the Slayer smiled;

Mike: (baby voice) Hey. Back at ya.

her heart full of joy for Jo Ann and Wild Card, but at the same time breaking because she and Angel could never have a child of their own.

Tom: (Buffy) I wish I had a little half-human freak of my own.

"Hey, Azura," Drak spoke to the baby softly. "We're both half-and-half. I'm half-vampire, half-human, and you are half-sprite, half-human. How do you like that?"

Crow: (Azura) Yeah, great. Are you going to feed me?

Isis watched Drak with the baby and smiled.
She came up to him.
"Feeling a little fatherly, love?" she asked.

Mike: (Drak, suddenly nervous) It's not mine! I haven't been cheating on you!

"A little. Maybe. Yes," he laughed.
"Maybe someday, that will be us."

Tom: (Isis) If you can ever get your --
Mike: Okay, we've just been going down this really weird road ever since this scene started. Let's stop.
Crow: Good idea.
Tom: Yeah.

"I hope so," he smiled. "I truely hope so." He put an arm around Isis' shoulder.
Buffy bit her lip hard until she drew blood.

Crow: (Buffy) Whoops. That was pretty easy to avoid.

Angel and Drak could both smell the fresh Slayer's blood.
Angel fought for control.

Tom: Mike? Are they really putting a vampire scene in the middle of the happy child birth scene?
Mike: 'Fraid so, Tom.

I will NOT vamp out! he thought. I will NOT mar this happy occation with a vampire attack.

Crow: (Angel) I will not be undersold!

Angel envied Drak his human half. Born with a human soul, Drak was not effected in the least by the sight or smell of blood.

Tom: (Angel) Stupid Hanna Barbera characters get it so easy!

Buffy gently wiped the blood away with her finger and approached him, offering him the blood-stained finger.

Mike: (Buffy) Have you been a good boy? You want a treat? Okay, sit. . . sit. . . there you go!

Smiling, Angel licked the blood from Buffy's finger.

Mike: (Buffy) Theeere you go. . . that's a good boy. . .

"Thanks," he whispered into her ear.

Crow: (Angel) You taste like McNuggets.

She smiled at him, and shivered slightly.

Tom: (Buffy) God, I wish they'd cut down on the pointless blood-eating scenes.

AndrAIa returned with little Enzo and Andri.

Mike: (AndrAIa) Are you guys still in the kitchen?

Quietly, the child sprites and the game sprite approached Jo Ann's bed.
"She's beautiful," AndrAIa smiled. "Does she have a name, yet?"
"Azura," Jo Ann smiled.

Crow: (AndrAIa) Ashura? The boss from Final Fantasy Legend?

"That's lovely!"
"It means light or sky blue," Wild Card smiled. Indeed, the baby's skin was as blue as her father's and Uncle Bob's.

Mike: Umm, have you checked to see if she's breathing?
Tom: Whoa. . .
Crow: (offended) Mike! You're supposed to be the normal one here!
Mike: Sorry. . . okay, that was bad. . .

Her eyes were closed, so they could not see her eye color, but her hair looked like it was going to be brown, streaked with gold, and a lock of gold, maybe, would grow to hang between her eyes.

Tom: Just couldn't wait for the next story to tell how her hair's going to look, could you Jo Ann?

AndrAIa hugged them both and then took her Sparky's hand.
Suddenly, Azura began to cry.

Crow: Began? I thought they were born that way.

Little Enzo and Andri jumped.
Gently, Bob scanned her. He smiled. "She's hungry," he said.

Mike: Uh oh. . . Is this. . . ?

"Oh is she now?" Wild Card smiled.
"Yes," Bob smiled at his brother. Jo Ann moved her hand to undo her dress to nurse,

Mike: Oh dear God. . .
Tom: Please, no no!

then stopped. "Matrix, could you hand me that towel, please?" she asked.

(Sighs of relief.)
Crow: Whew. Thanks Jo Ann.

Matrix handed it to her, smiling.
"This is a little trick my godmother used whenever she had to nurse her baby in public," Jo Ann explained.

(Tom laughs nervously.)

She covered the baby's head with the towel, just enough so that her breast was covered. Under the towel, Azura had her first meal.

Mike: So. . . Buffy the Virus Slayer. . .
Crow: Yep. . . just. . . slayin' viruses. . .

Wild Card stroked Jo Ann's hair.
As Azura nursed, Jo Ann kissed Wild Card.

Tom: And the four thousand extras watched on.

"Congradulations...daddy," she smiled.
He smiled proudly, "You too, 'mom'..."

Crow: Man, you'd need a master's degree in graph theory to figure out their family tree!

Gently, Wild Card nuzzled Jo Ann's neck, her favorite gesture of love. She giggled, feeling his warmth and love.
Dot hugged Bob, "It'll be our turn soon, love!"

Mike: (Dot) I hope we don't land on Boardwalk; there's a hotel there.

"Yes," Bob smiled.
AndrAIa whispered something in Matrix's ear.

Tom: (AndrAIa) Can I have some change? I wanna hit the snack machines.

The green warrior smiled, and nodded.
"AndrAIa has something that she wants us to give JoJo, Wild Card and Azura," Matrix said.
"What's that?" Wild Card asked, smiling.

Crow: (Matrix) A restraining order.

"First; Phong, could you get Azura a PID?" AndrAIa smiled.
Phong held up the little disc. "I am way ahead of you, my child!"

Mike: Yes, anything is in character for Phong as long as you put "my child" at the end.

"Thank you, Phong," AndrAIa smiled. "Jo; Wild Card, could we borrow your icons, please?"

Tom: (AndrAIa) Could I have the things which hold your entire being, your very essence? Just for a minute. (Maniacal laughter.)

"Sure," Wild Card said. Both gave their icons to the game sprite. AndrAIa handed Jo Ann's to Matrix. Both downloaded something into the icons.

Crow: (Jo Ann) Peanut butter? But why?

Then, AndrAIa gave Azura's icon to Matrix.
"You do the honors, Sparky," she smiled.
"Sure." Matrix then downloaded something into the new PID.

Mike: (Matrix) Here's a copy of Tetris for the kid.

"What is it?" Wild Card asked.
AndrAIa gave Wild Card back his icon, which he returned to his armored jacket. Matrix placed Jo Ann's icon back on her dress and pinned Azura's on the blanket.

Tom: Thrill as they put their icons back on!

"A little gift from both of us. Like AndrAIa, Andri, Frisket, and me, you now have two modes: Regular,

Mike: And Unleaded.

or 'Mainframe' Mode, and 'Game Sprite Mode'," Matrix smiled.
Wild Card grinned at them, Jo Ann smiled and Azura gurgled happily.

Crow: (Azura) The random noises they make amuse me!

"Thank-you both."
"Yes," Jo Ann smiled. "Thank you." Matrix leaned over and gave his sister-in-law a hug and a kiss. He brushed a tiny kiss to Azura's head.

Tom: So as to minimize his contact with her girl cooties.

"She has your eyes, JoJo..."
"Wild Card's eyes, too," Jo Ann giggled.

Mike: And so, Azura's evil plan to collect all the eyes in the world begins.

" We are both brown-eyed."
"I meant the shape!" Matrix frowned.

Crow: See how they're octagonal?

"That, too," Jo Ann smiled, kissing his cheek.
Dot smiled at them.
"Enzo," Bob smiled at the small sprite. "Say hello to your niece, Azura."

Mike: (Azura) I've got a niece already? What kind of family am I coming into here?

"My... my niece?!"
"Sure. Wild Card's my brother, and I am married to your sister. That makes Wild Card your brother and Jo Ann your sister.

Tom: (singing) Oh, I'm my own grandpa! Everybody!
All: (singing) I'm my own grandpa!

Azura is your niece, as well as Dot's, Matrix's, and mine."
"Your great-niece, Uncle Turbo," Jo Ann smiled at the Prime Guardian.

Crow: Note to authors: We don't care!

"Mah! Makes me feel old!" Turbo exclaimed.
Jo Ann laughed. "Come and say 'hello' to Azura!" she smiled.
Turbo approached and smiled at the tiny sprite/human.

Crow: Aaaaand. . . she turned into a vampire!

Azura looked up and gurgled happily at the sea-green Prime Guardian.

Crow: And he turned into a vampire!
Mike: Crow. . .

Trubo chuckled.
Azura went back to nursing.

Tom: (Azura) Well, back at it; I'm burning daylight.

Soon her little eyes closed and she was asleep.
"She's beautiful!" Monitor smiled.

Mike: (Monitor) Blue and all.

"Thank you," Jo Ann smiled. Wild Card looked on proudly. He let Azura grasp one of his fingers with her tiny hand. She held onto it tightly.

Crow: (Wild Card) Oww, my circulation!

A vidwindow appeared behind them. "Congratulations, User Guardian; or should I say 'Mommy'?"

Tom: Uh oh. The other story's coming back to haunt them.

Jo Ann jumped. She held Azura protectively to her as she turned to face the vid-window.
"My!! what a cute little half-breed!"

Mike: (Jo Ann) Why thank you! Her name's Azura, after "azure", which means --
Crow: (Dash) Stop! Look, it was just bad guy banter! Sheesh!

Instantly, Wild Card, Matrix, Bob,

Crow: Donald, Mickey, Chip, Dale. . .
Tom: Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Sally. . .
Mike: Ash, Misty, Brock, Pikachu. . .

AndrAIa, Mouse, Ray,

Tom: Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty. . .
Mike: Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, The Cat. . .
Crow: Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar, Brak. . .

Turbo, Monitor, Buffy,

Mike: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa. . .
Crow: Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg. . .
Tom: John, Paul, George, Ringo. . .

Angel, Drak, Isis, and the rest

All: (singing) Are here on Gilligan's Isle!

surrounded Jo Ann and Azura protectively.
"I just wanted to greet Mainframe's new arrival!

Tom: (Dash) Maybe pad the scene out a little more. You know.

I knew it!" Dash crowed.
"Leave them alone, Dash!" Matrix growled. Gun was already in his hand.

Mike: (Dot) Stop shooting the vidwindows! Do you know how much those things cost?

Drak and Mouse had drawn their swords, and AndrAIa had her trident out.

Crow: People! It's a window! You can't hurt her!

Even little Enzo and Andri was ready to defend the new mother and her baby, with a yoyo

Tom: Kid's booted into Ness one too many times.

and a wrist-mounted crossbow.

Mike: You just know people are going to use this story as an argument to let kids bring weapons to school.

"Fine! I was just being neighbourly!" Dash pouted.

Crow: (Dash) No brownies for you then!

"How did you know about Jo Ann's baby?" Bob asked.

Tom: (Dash) I can hear you fawning over it five miles away.

"Woman's intutition!"
"A spy is closer to the truth!" Drak snarled.
"My, my: How paranoid!"

Mike: Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you.

"We know you too well, Dash!" Matrix snarled. His eye was burning red and the "(V)" appeared in its center.
"Oooh...Matrix: have I ever told you how sexy you are when you're angry?"

Crow: (Matrix) About 12 times.

For an answer, Matrix shot the vid-window, shattering it.

Tom: (Dot) Hey, our new vid-window!

"Temper, temper, cutie!" Dash's voice came from behind him.
Whirling, Matrix fired again, shattering the new window.

Tom: (Dot) Stop it! This is coming out of your allowance!

AndrAIa took his arm, "Calm down, Sparky..."
"Yes: down boy!" Dash taunted.
Matrix growled. "If you so much as touch them, virus, I'll send you to your former love.

Mike: (Dash) Who?

You know...the one that was deleted!"

Mike: (Dash) Oh, him!

"Why are you wasting your time threatening me; you should protect your sister and her unborn children..."

Crow: (Dash) 'Cause there's some weird people around here.

Dot drew in her breath. Bob, his eyes wide with horror that Dash knew about Dot's pregnacy, moved to protect his wife.
A satisfied smile crossed her face.

Tom: (Dot) Hey, you do try to protect me sometimes!

"Thanks for confirming my theory! CHIM: I WAS RIGHT!!"

Crow: (Dash) You owe me five dollars!

"No..." Bob breathed. He held Dot close. The others moved in to protect them, as well as Wild Card, Jo Ann, and Azura.

Mike: Unfortunately, the mass of the two thousand characters collapsed into a neutron star.

"Oh yes: I'm gonna leap through the window and get you all..." Dash muttered.

Crow: (Dot) Oh no! She's gonna leap through the window and --
Tom: (Dash) Look, it was a joke! You people are so thick!

Now, Jo Ann called on the Totems for help.

Mike: Because there's no problem so big that it can't be solved by throwing more characters at it.

Moonsong; Lightning; Wildfang;

Crow: Snorlax; Wigglytuff; Charizard;

Starbolt; Goldtalton; Sunfire! Help me! There is danger! Instantly, the Totems responded, gathering protectivly around their friends.

Tom: The kitchen's getting pretty crowded at this point; they might have to take the battle into the living room.

"I'm not a monster..." Dash stated.

Mike: (Dash) I'm just drawn that way.

"Just an evil bitch..."
"One and the same!" Angel snarled.
"No." She shook her head vehemently. "There's a difference."

Crow: (Dash) Monsters have a better union.

"Not from my point-of-veiw, there isn't!" he countered.
"Nah...if I was a monster I've have attacked Jo Ann as soon as I thought she was pregnant..."

Tom: (Dash) But I'm an evil bitch, so all I do is call her names. See?

"And you would have been deleated, too!" Matrix growled.
"But I could have taken her; and her unborn child with me...Think about it."

Mike: (Dash) By the way, you're sexy.

"Is it me," Xander said, "or does this Dash chick remind you of Dru?"
"You're right, Xander," Angel said. "She and Dru are alike. Very much alike. What do you think, Buffy?"
Buffy chuckled, "I guess: Dru was more fragile though --and a bit more psycho...but yeah..."
"And she had Spike under her thumb. Spike once tried to conjure a sea-monster that could destroy the world, just because Dru wanted a pet fish!" Drak laughed.
"That sure doesn't describe Dash. Chimera is definately her master!" Angel grinned back at his cousin.
Dash bit her lip angrily.

Crow: And drew blood.
Mike: (Angel) They're just doing that to bug me!

"Power down, you two!" Turbo commanded.

Tom: (Angel) What? We're just making the evil person blindingly mad at us. What possible consequences could come from that?

Bob had desided that he had had enough of this. Following Hex's example that morning,

Mike: He vanished from the story without a trace.

the chrome-armored Guardian created a huge ball of light. With the aim of a true Guardian,

Crow: Instead of his usual aim, I guess.

Bob through the lightball into the vid-window. It exploded,

Tom: (Bob) Whoops. . . I thought that would go through. . .

dousiing the room with light.
"Nice try, 452 --

Mike: (Bob) I have a name you know.

But I'm alone and I'm not light-sensitive!" Dash smiled.
"That will burn for many cycles, Dash," Bob smiled. "Chim and Pixil won't be able to come home for a long, long, long time."

Crow: (Bob) And they'll have no recourse but to assail the Principle Office. Hey, wait a minute. . .

Dash frowned at him. "That was mean!"
"No meaner then you threatening my family!" Bob shot back.
"Have I made a single threat in this whole conversation?"

Tom: (Bob) Did I say you did?

"Implied threats, then. But still threats, just the same."
"I have not made a single threat; you're reading too much into me..."

Mike: (Dash) Really, I'm just into this because I like teasing people.

"You made one threat, Dash," Giles said. "As I recall, you said a while ago, and I quote: I'm gonna leap through the window and get you all...; unquote."

Crow: (Dash) You took that out of context!

"I said 'As if I'm gonna...' book-worm! that's physically impossible!!"
"No, I believe I quoted you correctly," Giles smiled.

Tom: (Dash) Oooo. . . you're just lucky that I don't wanna go back and re-read it to make sure!

"Sound like a threat to me," Angel said. "What do you think, Matrix?"
"If you say so..." Dash smiled.
"I even recorded it," Cordy smiled smuggly. "Wanna hear?" She held up a small, micro-recorder.

Mike: Thrill as they nit-pick!

"Obsessive compulsive!" Dash commented.
Cordy ignored her and pressed the playback button. Out came Dash's voice, clear as day, saying the words just as Giles had quoted them.

Crow: (Dash) Ick, I hate how my voice sounds on tape.

"That's quite a memory you got there," Dash purred at Giles.

Tom: (Dash) Have I mentioned how much big memories turn me on?

"Thank you," Giles smiled, unimpressed by the sultry virus. "It's a talent all Watchers have."

Mike: Like basket-weaving.

Dash's eyes widened, "Is it now..."

Crow: Oh no. She's getting aroused!

All this time, Willow was franticly working on the keyboard to the PO's computer.

Tom: (Willow) Gotta get this term paper done before class!

With a final push of a button, the vid-window with Dash disappeared. She did not reappear.

Mike: (Willow) Uh oh. What did I push?

"What did you do, Will?" Buffy asked.
"Created a communications lock-out. It won't last long,

Crow: (Willow) Since I made it out of duct tape.

but for a while, neither Dash, Chimera, or Pixil can open a window into the PO."
"That's great!" Dot smiled.

Tom: (Dot) Now we can banter and carry on without any interference from the real story!

"There are some rooms that are perminantly closed to them: Your bedrooms, the bathrooms, and Phong's garden. At least they'll be some private places that can't get to," Willow continued.

Mike: And you couldn't do this to the whole PO because. . . ?

"Even Dash?"
"Yep!" Willow grinned.
"Neat!" Dot smiled.

Crow: (Dot) Their reign of terror has ended! Nifty!

"Some things just need to stay private."
Somewhere in the room, they heard sobbing.

Tom: Was that one of us?
Mike: Hmm. . . not yet.

Dot looked around to try to see where the crying was coming from.
It was Jo Ann. She held Azura close to her. Wild Card had his arms wrapped around them both.
"Are you alright?" Dot asked.

Crow: (Jo Ann) I had such a pretty miiiind!

"I'm scared, Dot," she whispered.
"Of what?" Dot asked.

Tom: I'm just going out on a limb here, but maybe it has something to do with the evil viral vampire menace that's become the focus of your life for the past who knows how long?

"Of what Chimera, Pixil, and Dash might do to Azura...you...and your baby..."
Dot smiled, "We'll be alright; we always are!"

Mike: (Dot) Except for when Megabyte brought us to our knees, but how could something like that happen again?

"What Dash said...she'd really do it, if she had the chance."
"Do what?" Dot smiled.

Crow: (shouting) You stupid, stupid woman! You're living with monsters! Start taking it seriously!

"Take Azura..."
"She'll never get the chance -- I promise..."

Mike: (Dot) I'll use my superior organizational skills to keep her at bay!

"Right," Bob smiled. "We won't let the viruses lay a hand on you, Dot, or the babies."
"Copy and paste that!" Matrix said.

Tom: Okay, I'm calling this one. By the end of the story, something will happen where the childrens' lives are in danger.
Crow: I dunno. . . I don't think the story can get its plot together in time. A dozen chocolate chip cookies says you're wrong.
Tom: You're on!

"And, as long as we are here, we won't let them get you either," Drak said.

Mike: (Drak) Which reminds me, it's about time we got home.

Buffy smiled, "I second that!"
"Third it," Angel smiled.
Buffy smiled at him.
"Thanks," Jo Ann smiled through her tears.

Crow: (Jo Ann) You're the best people I've ever written.

"There was a spell the Kalderash people used to cast after I fed on one of their daughters...to keep children safe from vampires..." Angel told her.

Mike: (Angel) Not that it did them any good.

The Mainframers visably paled when they heard that.
"What?" Angel asked. He had been trying to help!

Tom: Man, you drink one girl, and suddenly you're the bad guy!

"Sorry. It was the 'fed on one of their daughters' thing," Bob said.

Crow: (Angel) Ooo, right, sorry. . . gotta stop bringing that up in public. . . ha ha. . .

"What was the spell?"
"I don't know; Ms Calender would've known, though..." Angel sighed.

Mike: (Angel) Too bad I killed he -- oops, forgot again. Sorry.

"Yes..." Giles sighed.
"I'm sorry, Giles..." Angel bit his lip.

Tom: And drew blood.
Crow: (Angel) Eww, I taste like Listerine!

"During the time when he was the evil Angelus, after he lost his soul, Angel killed Ms. Calender, the computer teacher," Buffy expalined.

Mike: (Dot) That's too bad. Anyway, back to the viruses. . .

"Jenny was...was trying to curse him again..." Giles elaborated, hiding his pain with his usual stiff upper-lip.

Tom: (Dot) Uh huh. Well, we really need to get back to the. . .

"To give Angel back his soul and turn him good again. It worked, but..." tears were forming in her eyes, now.
"The rest is a rather painful history for them all..."

Crow: Yeah, tell us about it.

"Yes, it is..." Buffy kissed Angel.

Tom: (Buffy) There, all better!

"Would this spell hurt you?" Bob asked.
"No; it would just mean the child it is cast on can never be fed on by a vampire..."

Mike: (Angel) Until they hit puberty, anyway.

"Good. Now if we could only get that spell..." AndrAIa said.

Crow: Or, I dunno, maybe destroy the vampires?

"You'd need a gypsy to cast it," said a voice from behind Giles.

Tom: Well, hey, let's get her in here! Gypsy!
Gypsy: (off camera) Ummm, I'm kinda busy here!
Tom: C'mon, come in here and do a cameo for us!
Gypsy: (off camera) Well, okay, but only if you're not interested in surviving this ion storm.
Tom: Sure! C'mon in!
Gypsy: (off camera) That was sarcasm, Tom.
Tom: Oh, you're no fun anymore!

Two slim hands laced up under his glasses and covered his eyes.
"Whaa..." Giles gasped. That voice sounded so famulair.

Mike: (Giles) Where have I heard that voice before? Doesn't she do Lisa Simpson?

"Eloquent, aren't we, Rupert?" the teasing voice purred at him, laughing softly.
"J...j...jenny...?" the Watcher stuttered, unable to believe what he was hearing.

Crow: Oh no. Is this happening?

"Ten out of ten, snobby," she teased.
"But how...?" Buffy asked.
"Long story..." Jenny took her hands away from Giles' eyes and pinched his back-side firmly as she emerged from behind him to greet the group.

Tom: Well, the way things were going, the authors were just going to start throwing in characters at random sooner or later.

"Jenny!" Giles breathed her name, a smile on his face and his eyes sparkling. "You're alive!"
"Not technically," she smiled, "but I'm here..."

Mike: (Jenny) Oh, and I'll need to eat your brain; hope you don't mind.

Giles looked her over. Some things had changed. "You look...different... like a sprite!"

(Cries of anguish.)
Crow: So when people die, their souls are taken to the afterlife, where they become video game characters.

"Shhh..." she admonished him and kissed him.
Angel waited for them stop kissing.

Mike: Four days later. . .

He had something he wanted to say to Jenny.
Laughing, Jenny pulled away from him. "I missed you so much, Rupert!"
"Ms. Calender..." Angel began.

Crow: (Angel) May I be excused to go to the bathroom?

"Yes, Angel?" she turned and smiled at him.
Angel took heart in the smile. "I wanted to say...I'm sorry for killing you..." he said softly.

Tom: (Jenny) Welll. . . okay, but don't ever do it again.

"It wasn't you --it was Angelus," she smiled gently.
Angel gave a small smile. She did not blame him at all. Just Angelus-- his evil incarnation.

Tom: Yes, she too had abandoned being in character so that we could have a happy story!

"Now...about that spell..."
"Yes...can you cast it?" Wild Card asked.
"I think so," the technopagan smiled, "I'm gonna need some things for it though..."

Mike: (Jenny) Money, for example. Lots of it.

"What do you need?" Bob asked.
"Cricle of salt...a rune-stone for protection..."

Crow: Some virgin blood. . . a beanie baby. . .

Jenny reeled off a list of items.
"Salt, we can get from the diner. But a runestone...?" Matrix said.

Tom: (Jenny) Chocolate cake works too.

"I can make...get me a crystal of some decscrption --rose quartz works well-- and something to carve with..." Jenny smiled.
"I'm on it!" Hexadecimal said.

Mike: She's so excited to get some use out of those carving knives again.

She popped out of the Principle Office.
Jenny smiled absently

Crow: Whoops. They forgot her brain when they ressurected her.

and turned back to Giles.
Giles smiled back at her.
"Oh, Rupert!! Its been too long..."

Tom: Tell us about it.

"Very long!" he agreed.
Jenny sighed and rested her head on his chest. "Still tweed, huh?"
"Umm...yes," Giles smiled.

Mike: (Giles, awkwardly) So. . . not dead anymore? That must be pretty nice.

She chuckled, "Y'know, it kinda grows on ya..."
Giles blushed. At that moment, Hex popped back in with several rose quartz crystals and a carving tool.

Crow: (Hex) Sorry about the blood stains; they're just so hard to get out.

"Azura is not the only child we will have to safeguard," she smiled.
Jenny took the crystals and carver and knelt. "Uh, do you have a candle?"
"Any specific kind?" Hex asked.

Tom: Solid gold. You know; if you have one.

"No; just any ol' candle!" Jenny grinned back, "I'm Janna Kalderash or Jenny Calender," she told Hex

Mike: (Jenny) I forget which.

"Pleased to meet you. I am Hexadecimal. Former virus and current Mainframer," Hex smiled.

Tom: (Hex) And future Miss America.

"We have some candles that we use for emergincies," Bob said.
"I will get them, my son," Phong said. He left the room.

Mike: (Phong) Finally, an excuse to leave!

Jenny smiled, "Former virus, huh?"
"Yes. Bob defragmented my mind

Crow: (singing) While Matrix fought with Megabyte/I thought that he'd be killed but Matrix put up a terrific fight. . .

and gave me sanity," Hex smiled, nodding her head graciously toward the Guardian.
Jenny smiled at Bob warmly. "This just gets better..."

Tom: Huh? Are we reading the same story?

"Everything's in Pixal's memory," Jo Ann said, holding the keytool out to Jenny. The new mother had regained her composure. Indeed, the Mainframers could see that, every nano, she was becoming more and more like her old self. User Guardian One was coming back.

Mike: Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Jenny smiled, "Hello Pixal..."
{Hello, Ms. Calender,} Pixal smiled with dignity.

Crow: You sure it didn't nod, shake hands with her?

"Please, call me Jenny..."
{If it pleases you,} Pixal answered.

Tom: (Jenny) Actually, I hate it. That's why I suggested it.

"Its muuuuch less formal!" Jenny smiled.
{Yes, it is,"} Pixal said quietly.
"Pixal is the first keytool," Bob smiled. "She once belonged to Athena, the first Guardian. Jo Ann inherited Pixal and the Guardian role from Athena."

Mike: (Jenny) Self-insert, huh?

"Fascinating...I'll bet you could tell some stories, Pixal." Jenny smiled.
{Indeed, I could,} Pixal smiled back.
"You'll have to share some, sometime," Jenny smiled.

Crow: (Jenny) Do you know any Madeline?

{When we are not so...busy.}

Tom: Oh, right, 'cause right now they're. . . umm. . .

Jenny smiled. "It'll help pass the time.."
Giles frowned; what did she mean --wasn't she coming back to Sunnydale with them?

Mike: Assuming, of course, that they were going back to Sunnydale in the first place.

Jo Ann took Azura and sat down to continue to nurse the baby. Wild Card stood nearby, watching over his wife and child.
Giles looked down at Jenny, an unspoken question in his eyes;

Tom: (Giles) How did she get past security?

she looked away.

Crow: (Jenny) La la la. . . I can't see you. . . dum dee dum. . .

"Is there anything else that's needed, Jenny?" AndrAIa asked.

Mike: (Jenny) You've got some paper plates, right?

"Once I have the rune-stones carved and the circle of salt; all I will need is to do the ritual; by the way --

Tom: (Jenny) We really shouldn't do this in the kitchen.

the children will need to wear the rune-stones always for added safety.."
"Maybe we can make the runestones part of their icons," Bob suggested.

Mike: (Bob) Get a little superglue, some duct tape. . .

"I don't know --you could try; but they look good on their own.." Jenny smiled and showed him her rune-stone necklace.

Crow: The tenth anniversary runestone necklace -- tell her you'd protect her from vampires all over again.

"Yes, it's very pretty like that. But icons are worn all the time. If the runestones were part of the icons, the children would always be wearing them."

Tom: (Bob) And that way, if someone got hold of their icons, they'd lose their identity and their immunity to vampires.

"Hmmm..." Jenny bit her lip

Crow: And drew blood.

and thought; still avoiding the question that was in Giles' eyes.
"Are you alright, darlin'?" Wild Card asked Jo Ann.
"Yes. I'm fine, love," she smiled at him, holding Azura close to her.
"She's gorgeous," Jenny smiled.

Mike: (Jenny) And the baby's not bad either.

"Thank you," Jo Ann smiled.
Jenny chanted a brief blessing in Kalderash over the child, her hand resting on Azura's head.

Tom: (Jenny) May you never suffer from diaper rash.

Jo Ann watched as Jenny performed the anchient ritual.

Crow: (Jenny) You put your left hand in, you put your left hand out. . .

"That was a blessing to find true love," Jenny explained
"I hope she will find it when the time comes," Jo Ann smiled.

Mike: (Jo Ann) I hope I can fit that into the next story.

"She will," Jenny smiled; finishing off the rune-stone. Phong returned with the salt and the candles.

Crow: Why couldn't they just use the salt in the kitchen?

"Will these be suffciant for your needs, my child?" the old sprite asked.
Jenny smiled, "Yes, thank-you, Phong."
He bowed to her, then turned and rolled up to the new family.

Tom: (Phong) All right, would you like to see some menus tonight?

Jenny smiled, "Uh; Phong can you back off slightly --

Mike: (Jenny) Or at least wear some deodorant.

only mother, father and baby can be within the circle." She poured a circle of salt around the young family.
"Of course, my child." Phong backed up until he was standing beside Bob.

Crow: (Phong) Darn. Thought I could get myself vampire-proofed there.

Once the circle was formed, Jenny placed the four candles at the "compass points" of the circle. She took the runestone and placed it in Azura's hand,

Tom: (Azura) Hmm. I wonder what this tastes like?

guiding Jo Ann's hand to hold the baby and make sure the precious rune-stone wasn't dropped.
Jo Ann sat quietly, watching and doing whatever Jenny told her to do.

Mike: (Jo Ann) Are you sure my hair should be on fire? Well, okay. . .

Jenny lit the candles, chanting off the ritual incantation

Crow: (Jenny) Bippity Boppity Boo!

that she had been taught since child-hood...The words were Kalderash; a gutteral, pretty sounding language;

Tom: You know, "gutteral" and "pretty" just don't meld together in my head.

and Jenny's voice built in intensity as she recited...She placed her hands, one on Azura's head and one on the hands that held the rune-stone. She finished the ritual, her voice reaching a cresendo...Something blew out all the candles.

Mike: Causing the spell to fail and sending everyone to hell.

and Jenny fell into Giles' arms, exhausted.
No one dared speak, for fear that doing so would break the spell.
Finally, Jenny got her wind back and Giles helped her to her feet. She was a little shaky, so he let her lean on him.

Tom: (singing) When you're not strong. . . and I'll be your friend. . . I'll help you caaaaaaaarry on. . .

"That's it..." her voice was breathy, and sounded tired.
"Thank you," Jo Ann smiled. She held Azura close.
"Are little Enzo and Andri too old for the ritual?" Buffy asked.

Crow: Children must be under three feet high to ride this incantation.

Jenny nodded, "Sorry...there may be another ritual; but I'd have to get my files..."

Tom: Oh. Too much work then.

"Okay," Buffy smiled.

Mike: (Buffy) So the kids are potential vampire targets. No biggie.

Now, Phong rolled up to the new family to get his first look at the baby.

Crow: You know, the working title for this story was Buffy the Girl Who Stands in the Background While Everyone in the World Looks at Jo Ann's Baby.

Azura gurgled at the old sprite.
"I think she likes ya, Phong!" Wild Card grinned.

Tom: Yeah, babies love shiny objects.

"She is most lovely..." Phong smiled.
"Thank you, Phong," Jo Ann smiled.

Mike: (Jo Ann) I made her myself.

The elderly sprite was very kind and she loved him like a grandfather.
"You're welcome, my child..."
"Wild Card," Jo Ann smiled at her husband. "Would you like to hold Azura?"

Tom: (Wild Card) No.

Wild Card smiled and took his daughter from his wife.
Azura fidgited a little, unused to the new set of arms that held her.

Crow: (Azura) Wait a second, how do you adjust these things?

Wild Card let her wriggle about,

Tom: (Jo Ann, nervous) Umm, make sure you hold onto her --
Mike: (Wild Card, carelessly) Nah, don't worry. She's fine. . .

talking to her in hushed tones.
Jo Ann smiled. Wild Card was adapting quickly to the role of "father".

Tom: He was already complaining about the phone bill and yelling at boys that wanted to take her out.

Wild Card's attention was fixed on the tiny child in his arms.
"Hey, weren't we celebrating something a while ago?" Matrix asked with a grin.

Crow: Well, by my last count, the story hadn't ended, so no, we weren't.

"What?" the Slayer asked.
"The birth of a new sprite!" Matrix smiled. "Or, User/Sprite, anyway."
"It deserves celebrating," Jenny smiled and hugged Giles.

Mike: (Jenny) Jo Ann had a baby. That's a reason to hug.

"Call Cecil, then," Bob said. "We'll need party food!"
Dot smiled and did as she was told.

Tom: (Dot) I love being ordered around!

A tiny voice chirped from behind the door.

Crow: Well, hey, c'mon in Tweety!

A pair of eyes peeked inside. "Since the virueses already know about the baby, could I at least announce this birth to Mainframe?"

Mike: (Whoever) And could you at least let me out of this closet?

Buffy and Matrix exchanged a look,

Tom: Any particular reason?

their response held back, waiting for a word from Dot, Jo Ann, Bob or Phong.
"Why not," Bob smiled.

Crow: What the hell, just tell the whole world.

"The virals already know, and the Mainframers would rejoice to know that their User Guardian has a daughter."

Mike: Or maybe it'd just give them an excuse to get drunk. You know, whatever.

Mike grinned widely.
"Go ahead, Mike!" Jo Ann smiled. "And her name is Azura."
Buffy and Matrix exchanged disappointed glances.

Tom: Umm, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

"What's wrong, guys?" Bob asked.
"Nothing," they both sighed.
Mike had come up to the new family to get the film footage he would need.

Crow: (Mike) Finally! Definative proof that babies exist!

Then, he happily skipped out of the room to report this most happy occation.
"Thank GOD he's gone!" Buffy exclaimed.

Mike: (Buffy) Full House was going to come on any minute!

"He's not so bad. And he has his uses," Jo Ann grinned.
"Oh yeah?" the Slayer was skeptical.
"Sure," Bob said.

Tom: (Bob) You can watch TV on him, for one.

"The Mainframers love Jo Ann very much. What do you suppose they would do if: 1). They found out that she had a baby, and 2). That Chimera, Pixil, and Dash were after her?"

Crow: False! No, no, True! Damn, I knew I should have studied. . .

"Ooh...its not gonna be pretty!"
"Right..." Bob grinned. "The Mainframers would do anything to defend Jo and Azura!"

Mike: Though certainly not to defend their own families.

"So would the Guardians!" Turbo smiled.
Jo Ann and Wild Card hugged each other.

Crow: So they love each other. Got it. Next plot point, please.

"Well, it was Jo that defeated Deamon an' freed tha Guardians from 'er infection!" Turbo smiled. He walked over to Wild Card, Jo Ann, and Azura.
"Yes; we'd all defend you, [Jem]," Monitor smiled.
"And I thank you all," Jo Ann smiled as Wild Card gently returned Azura to her arms.

Tom: (Jo Ann) Thanks for putting your lives on the line to save my daughter. I really appreciate it.

The group smiled at her warmly.

Mike: (Group) Just wait 'till she's asleep. . .

"Phong, do you know where to find a baby blanket? This towel seems to be irritating her skin," Jo Ann said. Indeed, Azura looked very uncomfortable in the towel.

Crow: The story that doesn't let you assume anything!

Jenny pulled off her shawl and handed it to Jo Ann. "Use this; its very soft."
"Thank you, Jenny," Jo Ann smiled. She removed the towel and wrapped Azura in the shawl. Azura gurgled softly, enjoying the new texture on her skin.
"It's lamb's wool, treated with herbs

Tom: And the Colonel's special blend of herbs and spices.

to soften it even more," the Gypsy smiled.
"I think she likes it," Jo Ann smiled. Cecil reopenned the vid-window with the orders, then inquired to why such a huge order was needed.

Crow: Maybe because there's roughly four hundred thousand characters in the kitchen now.

"Jo Ann just had her baby," Bob smiled.

Mike: (Bob) And it eats like a horse.

"Congratulations, madame!"
"Thank you, Cecil," Jo Ann smiled at the mater'd.
"You're welcome!"

Tom: You know, I just realized that they haven't been describing when everyone's been breathing.
Crow: Hey, yeah! How can they just leave that out?

At Bob's insistance, Dot allowed Mouse to set the food out on the table.

Mike: But who put out the napkins? How can they leave us hanging?

Presents would have to come later.
Dot sighed, and sat down, feeling utterly useless.

Tom: Don't worry Dot; it's not like anyone else in this flipping story is doing anything.

"You can help me shop for something to give them," Buffy smiled. "Before I leave, I am going shopping!"

Crow: (Buffy) Though I have no money used in this universe and probably can't take digital goods back to the real world, I will do my best to reinforce the teenage girl stereotype.

"I'd love to," Dot smiled. "Perhaps once I'd had this kid and you've defeated the viral,

Mike: (Dot) And I get the garbage taken out. . .

I'll take you to the Super-Computer!
"Are there malls in the Super Computer?" Buffy asked, her eyes lighting up.
"The most wonderful shops!" Dot smiled.

Tom: Hey! Maybe we could go there and buy this story a plot!

"Ohhhh...I've just got to go there!" the Slayer grinned.
Dot smiled, "We will, I promise!"

Crow: Mike, am I going insane, or was there a story about vampire viruses before all of this crap about people wanting to go shopping and race motorcycles and introducing character after character, each of which is important for about five seconds, yet never leaves?
Mike: Hmmm. . . doesn't sound familiar. I'm going to go with insanity.
Tom: Yep. Me too.
Crow: Good. Just needed to know where I stand.

"Bob," Jo Ann asked. "How close is Dot to delivering her baby?" She looked over to her sister-in-law, concerned.

Tom: You know, maybe the story would be better if we pretended we cared about all this endless bantering. C'mon, wanna give it a try?
Mike: I think it's worth a shot.
Crow: I dunno. . .
Tom: C'mon, it can't make it any worse.
Crow: Wellll. . . okay.

Bob scanned his wife, "Not long at all."
"Halleluia!" Dot exclaimed.

Mike: Hooray for babies!

(The guys start celebrating)

"When, do you think?"
"A second or two at most."

Tom: Another couple seconds!

(Celebration gets louder)

"A couple of days?" Jo Ann eyes openned wide. "That's all?"

Crow: That's all! All right!

(Guys are whooping and hollering. Mike's pumping his fists in the air. Tom's hurling himself into the air repeatedly. Crow's vibrating like he's having a seizure.)

Dot grinned, "Thank-you!"
"That's wonderful!" Jo Ann exclaimed.
"Isn't it?!"

Mike: (Insanely happy) YES IT IS!

(Mike and Tom continue cheering. Crow's cheers have sort of degenerated into a screaming rage.)

"Yes!" Jo Ann cried. She got up and, very carefully, hugged Dot.
Dot hugged her back.

(Mike and Tom settle down. Crow's still screaming.)

Mike: (nervously) Uh, Crow? You might wanna --

(Crow's head explodes. Mike's startled.)

Jo Ann then stood up and hugged Bob. "Contragulations

Tom: Contragulations? Hey, I like saying that! Contragulations! Contragulations!
Mike: (coughing, waving away the smoke) Listen, I gotta get the Nanites to fix Crow.
Tom: Contragulations! It just rolls off the tongue!

(Mike picks Crow up and leaves.)

to you, too, Bob!" she smiled.
Bob grinned back at her.

Tom: (Bob) Heh heh. I'm a stud. (normal) Uh, Mike? Crow?

"Hear that, Azura?" Bob smiled at the baby. "You are about to get a cousin!"
The baby gurgled at him.

Tom: Well, she does one thing, but she does it well.

Bob slipped his finger into her hand. Azura gripped it tightly.

Tom: (turning) Well, Bob, guess it's just you and -- (suddenly realizes Bob's gone. Downhearted) Oh.

Dot smiled at Bob. He was so gentle. He would make a fantatic father.

Tom: Well, he got the first part right.

Bob brought the tiny hand up to his face, rubbing it lightly on his cheek. He then put it to his lips and kissed it.
"You're good with babies," Dot smiled.

Tom: (Dot) Especially when you don't have to wake up with them or change their diapers or feed them or bathe them or settle them down when they're bawling out loud for hours on end for no reason at all.

"Thanks," Bob smiled at his wife.
She touched his face and winked.

Tom: (Dot) You're "It".

"Would you like to hold her, Bob?" Jo Ann asked.

Tom: (Bob) Well, I should really be concentrating on what we're going to do to eliminate the vampire viruses threatening our lives on a daily basis, but sure, I guess I'll hold her.

"Could I?" Bob asked.
"Sure," Jo Ann smiled. Carefully, she handed Azura to the baby's uncle.
Bob took the child, gently and carefully.
"Why don't you deliever Dot's baby when it comes?"

Tom: The afore-mentioned viral threat.

Jo Ann smiled at him. "You did a wonderful job delivering Azura!"

Tom: (Jo Ann) She was delivered on time and in excellent condition!

"I was hoping you would, love," Dot smiled at him.
"Will Wild Card and Matrix let you squeeze their hands, if I do?" Bob grinned teasingly.
Dot smiled at him. "With my legendary pain threshold?" she teased.

Tom: What gives me the feeling I don't want to know where this legend comes from?

"Hey, I'm willing!" Wild Card grinned. "How 'bout you, Matrix?"
"For my big sis? Anything!" he smiled.
Azura started to get a little fussy, so Bob handed her back to Jo Ann.

Tom: (Bob) Something's wrong with her. I'm done.

(Mike and Crow come back in.)

Mike: Hey, sorry it took so long, but I had to give Crow a partial memory restore; this story took up too much memory in his database, and it was starting to overwrite his operating system. What'd we miss?
Tom: Not a single damned thing.

Jo Ann took the baby and smiled at Bob.
Angel looked at the happy family. He came over to look at the new arrival.
"Looks like I'm going to play 'Guardian Angel' while I'm here," he smiled.

Crow: (Bob) You want to be a Guardian? Well, I guess I could take you to the academy if you really --
Mike: (Angel) No, I was just trying to be cute!

He gazed down at the child.
Buffy smiled at him and teasingly said, "Better than 'Fallen Angel'."

Tom: Or "System Angel".

"True," he smiled. "Don't worry, little one," he said to Azura. "As long as I am here, I won't let anyone hurt you."

Mike: (Angel) I want you all for myself.

He kissed two of his fingers and touched her lightly on the cheek.
Buffy smiled as she watched. He would make a wonderful father, she thought sadly.

Crow: For once, I'd like to see one of these guys send the kid into hysterics through no fault of their own.

"We won't let anyone hurt her, cousin," Drak smiled. He imagined for a moment, what being a father would be like.
"Yeah." Angel looked over at Drak, seeing his own thoughts mirrored in his cousin's eyes.

Tom: Why don't you just kiss him? You know you want to!

"Hey!" AndrAIa said. Are we going to have a party, or aren't we?"

Mike: Okay, people, at some point you're going to have to start taking some action toward defeating these viruses.

"Lets!" Buffy stated, trying to get her mind off the baby.
Mouse passed out the food.

Crow: Hey, they can just use the dishes they forgot to put away from breakfast!

Jo Ann went to sit back down with Azura, Wild Card ever at her side.
Buffy picked at a bowl of cashew nuts, brooding.

Tom: (Buffy) I've got to find the ones with the least number of atoms.

"What's wrong, Buffy?" Angel whispered to her.
"Nothing, honey. Cashew?"

Mike: Oh, bless you. Ha ha!
Tom: (admonishingly) Mike. . .
Mike: Sorry. . .

"Okay," he said, taking a few.

Crow: (Angel) Hmm. Not much blood in these things.

He brushed a kiss to her cheek.
She smiled and raked her hand up through his short, dark hair.
Wild Card kissed Jo Ann on her lips.

Tom: Take out the lines where people show affection and the lines where someone repeats the back story to someone else, and this story would take up about a sentence.

Then he looked down at his daughter, letting the realization that he was a father sink in of it's own accourd.

Mike: (Wild Card) What was I thinking?

Dot smiled and whispered in Bob's ear, "That'll be us soon."
"Yes," he smiled. "Which reminds me:

Crow: (Bob) You're going to have a baby soon.

Their chambers aren't big enough for a family. We'll have to move them to new rooms."
"Maybe we can all move home?" Dot asked. She missed her own house, and she was simply too accessible if she lived in the PO.

Tom: She resents the fact that people know where to find her?

"No. The PO is heavily armored. Between the shields and Willow's lockout, the PO would be safer."
"How did I know you were gonna say that?!" Dot wailed.

Mike: (Dot) I never should have married you! You're always looking out for my safety, you creep!

"I'm a Guardian. It's my job to think of these things.

Crow: (Bob) And to sit around playing with babies when viruses are running around attacking.

If we move Wild Card, Jo Ann, and Azura into bigger quarters, we'll have to ask Willow to put a file lockout like she did for the other bedrooms."

Tom: Though we'd never go so far as to ask her to do the entire PO, seeing as how it would make sense.

"I know, I know...I just miss our house," Dot sighed.
"Yeah...maybe someday, we'll go back. But as long as those virues are out there, we don't dare."

Mike: (Bob) So we'll just stay in here and wait for them to go away.

"Bob, I refuse to spend the rest of my life running in fear!"
"You won't. As soon as the viruses are dealt with and deleted, things will be back to normal. Or as normal as it can get with a baby in the house."

Crow: You know, a scene like this works better when you've seen the characters actually taking decisive steps toward surmounting their problem.

"Who knows how long that'll take!" Dot exclaimed.
"It'll take as long as it'll take. No longer," Bob smiled.

Tom: And it would take a lot less time if you'd stop sitting around bantering and actually do something about the viruses for crying out loud!

Dot just frowned.
"I wish I could give you a better answer, love. But the truth is, there is no better answer."

Mike: (Buffy) How about nuking the Tor?

Dot sighed, "I just hate living where I work."
"It's not that bad, Dot!" Jo Ann smiled. "Back in the User's World, I lived in the same house the studio was in.

Crow: Whoops! Out of bounds!
Tom: I hate it when self-inserts start autobiographying.

It just made getting to work easier. Just get up, get dressed, and open the studio. Plus, no tramping around in bad weather to get to work."
"Yeah...but it makes me a little too accessible as COMMAND.COM to be constantly in the PO!"

Mike: (disbelief) What?
Crow: (Dot) So not only do I have to be responsible for the lives and safety of everyone in the system, but I have to do it all the time? What a gyp!

"Well, pick some seconds to take off, just to rest. At least, once or twice a cycle."

Tom: (Jo Ann) Just look at your frightened, confused populace and say "Screw it. I'm sleeping in today."

"That'll happen," Dot muttered.

Mike: Is this the same workaholic who couldn't be bothered to go on a picnic that she'd planned weeks in advance?

"Just try it. Take the next few seconds off.

Crow: (Dot) But the viruses could attack any second, and then there's all the commerce in Mainframe, and --
Tom: (Jo Ann) Ah, someone'll cover for you.

You're going to have a baby, anyway. Rest up and enjoy your family. I'm sure Phong wouldn't mind taking over for a few seconds."
"You sound just like my mother would, Jo..." Dot observed.

Mike: (Dot) Trying to make me enjoy myself. Let me tell you, it ain't gonna work.

"I've just become a mother, myself, Dot. How could I sound otherwise?"
Dot chuckled at that.

Crow: (Dot) Her inane babbling amuses me so.

"Speaking of who, why haven't we called them yet?"
"They're probably busy with some new project," Dot smiled.

Tom: Umm. . . who?

"They are sure to drop everything and rush right here when they hear about the babies," Jo Ann smiled.
"I wrote to them a while ago, when I found out I was pregnant, but I told them not to worry; we'll be fine."

Mike: Oh no. . .

"Well, they should be here!

Crow: (Jo Ann) C'mon, characters who are in existance and who aren't here? I won't stand for it!

I've given birth, already, and you will in a couple of seconds. Call them!"
Dot sighed, "I've been babied enough by Bob. If Mom was here;

(Cries of frustration.)

Tom: Okay, so they brought back Dot and Enzo's parents at some point. Great! Fun! So in this story, no one's dead, everyone smiles all the time, the villains don't do anything but hurl lame insults at the good guys, there are no conflicts at all, and everyone goes around saying how much they love Jo Ann's baby! It's fun! Whee! I wish all stories had nothing happening at all whatsoever!
Mike: Whoa, steady there, Tommy. . .

oh sweet User! I wouldn't be able to breathe for myself!"
"They are about to become grandparents. Can you blame them, if they baby you and the baby?"

Crow: (Dot) I can and do. Why?

Dot just sighed and groaned softly.
"I'll call them," Matrix smiled. He openned a vid-window to the Matrix labratory.

Tom: (singing) In Matrix Laboratory. . . lives the smartest boy you've ever seen. . .

"Enzo!" Darla smiled. It's good to hear from you. How is your sister?"

Mike: (Darla) Well, enough about you. Tell me about the one I actually care about.

Darla had sea-green skin and blond hair.

Crow: Oh, it's like I can picture her.

"About to have a baby," Matrix told her.
"Ohhh...Paul!" Darla Matrix called to her husband. "Paul! This is it! Dot's about to have her baby!"

Tom: (Paul) Halftime, honey, halftime!

She turned back to Matrix. "And how is Jo Ann?

Mike: (Darla) Well, enough about my offspring. Tell me about the most important character in the world.

Wasn't she about to have a baby, too?"
"Jo Ann's given birth to a beautiful baby girl; Azura."

All: It means "sky blue".

"Oh, how wonderful!" Darla clasped her hands to her heart

Crow: (Darla) Uh oh. . . this is the big one!

as Paul came up next to her. He had green skin and graying, dark-green hair. If not for the glasses and the lab coat, Buffy and the others would have mistaked him for Matrix.

Tom: Hey, get it? Mis-"staked"? Ha ha! See, it's funny!
Mike: C'mon guys, we can get through this. . .

Dot sat with her head in her hands. She loved her parents. Really.

Crow: Well, not really.

She just didn't want to be treated like a little girl.
"Can Bob create a portal?" Paul asked.
"Sure!" the Guardian replied.

Tom: (Bob) I'll just make you a portal to the Web; is that all right?

Bob created the portal and Paul and Darla entered the PO. Bob closed the portal behind them.
Dot's head was still in her hands and she groaned softly.

Crow: (Dot) Oh, why did we ever ressurrect them?

"What is it, dear," her mother asked.

Mike: (Darla) And why are you all in the kitchen?

Dot sat up and pretended she had not noticed them.

Mike: And now, fifty pages about how Dot gets over herself and appreciates the fact that her parents are alive again.

"Mom! Dad! Hi!"
"Hello, dear," Darla said. She gave her daughter a hug and a kiss.
"Hi, Mom!" Dot returned the hug.
"Is she related to you, Turbo?" Buffy asked. "Her skin color is the same."

Tom: (Turbo, lashing out) Yeah, I guess we all look the same to you don't we?
Mike: (touching Tom's shoulder) Easy there, Tommy boy. . .

"She's mah sister," Turbo explained to Buffy.
"Oh. Okay," the Slayer grinned.

Crow: (Buffy) Whatever.

"Darla," Turbo smiled at his sister.
"Yes, Turbo?" Darla turned to her older brother.
"How are ya, li'l sis?"
"Fine. And how have you been, big bro?"

Tom: How did Darla manage to avoid growing up with the same accent as her brother?

"Good. Ah want ya ta meet someone..."

Mike: (Turbo) Ah want ta kill another four hundred pages re-introducing characters that the readers are already sick of hearing about.

"Alright..." Darla followed Turbo around the room.
Monitor smiled shyly at Darla Matrix. "Darla; this is Monitor, mah fiancee."
"Your...fiancee? You are getting married?" Darla looked wide-eyed at her brother.

Crow: Well, yes, people generally do marry their fiancee.

Turbo smiled, "Surprahsed, dear sister?"
"You better believe I'm surprised!" Darla laughed. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him.

Tom: I mean, didn't the authors themselves get sick of writing the same things over and over?

"It is good to finally meet you, Mrs. Matrix," Monitor smiled.
"And it's good to finally meet the woman who's won Turbo's heart!" Darla laughed. "How did you pull off that miracle?"

Mike: (Monitor) Lots and lots of booze.

Monitor blushed. "He was kind to me...it was hard not to love him..."
"She was easy ta love," Turbo smiled.

Crow: (Turbo) Being a female and all. Well, technically.

Monitor just blushed.
Paul was hugging his daughter.

Tom: (Dot) Oh, get away from me! I hate you!

"When is the baby coming?" he asked.
"Bob says two seconds, max," Dot smiled.
"Two seconds?! That soon?!"
Dot nodded, "Not soon enough!"

Mike: Much like the end of this story.

"Anytime between now and two seconds," Jo Ann said, holding Azura close to her. "Someone should watch her at all times."

Crow: (Jo Ann) I think she's been stealing Fig Newtons from the cookie jar.

At the look Dot gave her, she added, "Just to make sure someone's there when she starts labor."

Tom: (Bob) You're right! Get every resource in the Principle Office to monitor Dot's birth!
Mike: (Phong) But shouldn't we be doing something about the viruses who are --
Tom: (Bob) Dammit Phong, this is much more important than that!

"Joy," Dot stated, her tone sarcastic.
"I won't leave her for a nano," Bob grinned.
Dot sighed and muttered something under her breath.

Crow: (Dot) That's how I got in this mess in the first place.

Bob bent forward and kissed his wife on the lips.
Dot kissed him back, but still did not look happy.

Mike: Wow, she's getting sick of all the repetitive affection displays too!

Paul turned his attention to Jo Ann and her baby. Ever since the User Guardian had restored him and his wife,

Tom: He was caught up in the spell she'd placed on all the characters to love her eternally.

Paul had felt like a suragate father to her.
"Hey there, Jo..."

Crow: What do you know?
Tom: I just got back from a vaudeville show!

"Hi, Paul," Jo Ann smiled. "Meet Azura." She held the baby so that he could see her.
"She's gorgeous," he smiled. "Like her mom..."
"Thanks," Jo Ann blushed at the double compliment.
"I mean it," Paul smiled.

Mike: (Paul) Look how she's dribbling all over herself. Just like her mom.

Jo Ann smiled. Dot's father. She bent forward and kissed his cheek, as if he had been her own.
Wild Card came over and hugged Jo Ann.

Crow: You know, all these acts of affection by all these hundreds of characters in a small place -- they're just asking to turn this into a full-blown orgy.

(There's a pause.)

Mike: I'd yell at you for that, but it would be such a refreshing change for something different to happen.

"Congratulations, Wild Card," Paul said,

Tom: (Paul) Knocked her up real good there.

holding out his hand to the golden-haired bounty-hunter.
Wild Card shook his hand and smiled.
Darla now joined them.
"Oh, she's beautiful!" Darla exclaimed.

Crow: (Jo Ann) See people? Everyone in the whole world thinks my baby's beautiful! It is law!

"Thank you," Jo Ann held the baby so that Darla could get a good look at her.
"Can I hold her?" Darla asked.

Mike: (Jo Ann) No.

"Sure," Jo Ann said. Gently, she transfered Azura to the other woman's arms.
Darla gently bounced the child, cooing at her.
Azura gurgled at the bouncing and the cooing.

Tom: (Jo Ann) Umm, she just ate, you might not want to --

(Crow makes a puking noise.)

"Hello Azura...I'm your Auntie Darla..." Darla cooed at the baby.
Jo Ann smiled. She was happy that Azura was so well-loved on her first day of life. She hoped that Dot's baby would be equally loved.

Crow: She hoped that no one would notice that she copied and pasted everyone's reaction to her baby, changed some names around, and applied it to Dot's baby so her fingers wouldn't fall off from typing the same thing over and over.

Darla cooed a while more and then handed her back to Jo Ann and went to talk to Monitor.
"Beautiful, isn't she?" Monitor asked.
Darla nodded.

Mike: (Darla) The baby's not bad either.

"A User/Sprite. The first of her kind..." Montior mused.

Tom: (shocked) No! Is she really?
Crow: I was completely unaware of that!
Mike: Hey, did you know her name means sky blue?
Tom: Wow! That's cool!

"Yeah," Darla smiled.
Buffy and the others desided that they would like to meet Dot's parents,

Crow: After hours of deliberation, they finally reached a concensus.

so Buffy went up to say hello to Darla, while Giles went to talk to Paul.
"Hi, I'm Buffy," She smiled.
"I'm Darla Matrix," Darla said. Then, she looked closely at Buffy. "You're a User?"

Mike: (Darla) Wow. I guess meeting a User just isn't as interesting the fifty billionth time.

Buffy nodded, "Yeah...I'm here to fight the viruses."
"She's a Vampire Slayer," Monitor smiled.
"Vampire?" Darla blinked.

Crow: (Monitor) No, Vampire Slayer. Big difference.

"Chimera and Pixil, as it turns out, are vampires."
"Intruiguing..." Darla looked thoughtfull.

Tom: (Jo Ann) Eh, that's all back story. Wanna play with my baby again?

Meanwhile, Giles spoke with Paul.

Mike: Well, that conversation wasn't going anywhere. Let's try the next one.

"Uh; Rupert Giles," the Watcher offered his hand to the other man to shake.
"Paul Matrix," Paul smiled. He, too, noticed that he was talking to a User.

Crow: Of course, meeting a User had taken on the importance of meeting someone with red hair, so. . .

"You're uh, Dot's father?"
"Yes," Paul smiled. "A null for that past few hours, but was restored by Jo Ann."

Tom: (Paul) Just don't ask how. We haven't written that story yet.

"Hours being Mainframe years," Jo Ann smiled at the Watcher.
Giles smiled, "It can be confusing..."
"Yes," Jo Ann smiled. "But when you are stuck for life in another world, where time and other things are measured differently,

Crow: Oh, like England.

you learn to adapt."
"I, uh, I imagine so."

Mike: (Giles) It's pretty hard to believe that you can get used to a different set of units, but hey, who am I to say?

"What do you do for a living, Mr. Giles?" Paul asked.
"I am Buffy's Watcher and a librarian."
"A Watcher?" Paul asked, intrieged.

Tom: (Paul) So you just watch TV all day? That must be pretty sweet.

"Buffy is the vampire Slayer; a Watcher guides and trains the Slayer," Giles explained.
"Ahh...I see. Are there vampires in Mainframe?"
"The new viruses are vampires."

Crow: No!
Mike: Wow, where did this come from?
Tom: This story just pulls me along! One surprise after another!

"They are?!" Now Paul's expression showed concern.
Buffy nodded, overhearing, "Yeah, but I have experience dealing with vamps."
"Alright..." Paul replied.

Crow: (Paul) I'm cool with that.

Meanwhile, Bob was on a vid-window, calling his parents, Jason and

Mike: The Argonauts.

"What are you doing, Bob?" Dot called.
"Calling my parents. Your's isn't the only grandparents!" Bob grinned.

Tom: So, "Your is is not the only grandparents". That's great.

"Ooh, family reunion; I should call my cousins,"

Crow: Stop encouraging them!

Dot's tone was desperatly sarcastic and made her mother cringe.

Mike: (Darla) Can we have one Thanksgiving where you don't disown the family?

"Good idea, Dot! Bayou and Calypso would want to know. And my sister, CD-ROM, too. Can't leave her out!" Bob grinned.

Mike: (patting Crow's shoulder) Easy does it there, buddy.

Dot shot him a filthy look. "Don't your Guardian protocols include a sarcasm detector, beloved?"
"Yes, dear," Bob smiled. "They do."

Tom: (Bob) They also include a wife-annoying sequencer.

She just shot him another nasty look and headed off into her office.
"What is it, Bob?" Jason asked his son.
"Dot's due any second, Dad!" Bob smiled.

Mike: Man. . . remember the break-neck action of Red Zone Cuba?
Tom: (sighing whistfully) Yeah. . .
Mike: The tension and excitement of "Infestation"?
Tom: Oh yeah. . .
Mike: The sincere, heartfelt emotion of Invasion of the Neptune Men?
Tom: Wow. . . those were the days, huh?

"She is?!?" Jason exclaimed. "And Jo Ann? What about her baby?"

Crow: (Jason) Well, enough about you. Tell me about the author now.

"Jo's had a girl: Azura."
"That's great, Bob!" Jason grinned. "Your mother and I will be there soon!

Tom: (Bob) Well, okay, but the kitchen's getting a little crowded.

Your sister is still on tour

Crow: Boy, I sure am glad we didn't really read that.
Tom: Me too!

and Bayou and Calypso is visiting other relatives,

Mike: (Jason) So both of them is doing that. . .

but we'll see that they get the message!"
Bob smiled, "great!"
"See you soon, Bob!" Jason smiled and signed off.

Crow: (Jason) Nanu nanu.

Buffy pointed towards Dot's office, "She went that-a-away!"

Tom: (Bob) Who?

"Thanks, Buffy," Bob smiled. He went into the office.
Dot sat in her desk chair, typing something.
Causualy, Bob looked over her shoulder to see what she was typing.

Mike: (Bob, reading) All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

Dot minimized the document.
"Whatcha typing, Dot?" Bob asked, turning on all his charm.
"Nothing," she told him.

Crow: Oh, she's writing this story.

"Nothing?" Bob looked and sounded hurt.
"Nothing," she softened her tone.
"If you are still upset about me calling my folks,

Tom: (Dot, livid) I am! How could you, you selfish bastard!

only my parents are coming. My sister is still on tour and my Cajun cousins are visiting other relatives. They'll get the message, but they won't be here."

Mike: Five bucks says they get crammed in here before the story's over.

"No," Dot shook her head, "I'm just a little...overwhelmed."
"By the baby coming?" he asked. "Or by all the people?"
"All the people," She sighed.

(Cheers, rejoicing)

Mike: Don't worry Dot.
Tom: We know exactly how you feel. We're with you 100%.
Crow: Man, I love a story where you can really empathize with the characters.

"This is a big thing, Dot. Mainframe barely has any sprites.

Tom: (Bob) We've really gotta start crankin' 'em out!

The birth of new sprites means renewal for our people."
"I know, I know," She sighed.

Crow: (Dot) I just know he's gonna want to have sex again.

From outside the office, they heard new voices. "Paul! Darla! How are you two!"
"My parents are here," Bob smiled.
"Go see 'em, luv," Dot smiled.

Mike: (Dot) And make sure you repeat the back story to them and have them fawn over Jo Ann's baby.

"They'll want to see you, too."
"I'll be out soon!" she promised.

Crow: (Dot) Just gotta hide my bitterness and resentment.

"Promice?" Bob grinned.
"Bob, have I ever lied to you?"

Tom: The supreme test of Bob and Dot's bond of mutual trust!
Mike: Yes!
Tom: Can he trust her to come out of the office?
Crow: I'm on the edge of my seat!

"I don't intend to start now. Go on!"
"Alright..." Bob gave her a quick kiss and left the room.
Dot sighed and got on with what she was doing.

Mike: (Dot) Well, the Pokemon aren't going to catch themselves.

Bob emerged from the room and searched it for his parents.

Tom: Five years later. . .

"BOB!" his mother hugged him.
"Hi, Mom!" Bob grinned. Marie was a beautiful sprite,

Crow: Wow! Another attractive person!

with shimmering opalencent skin, sparkling blue eyes and silver chrome hair.
"I can't believe you're going to be a -- OHMI!!


Mike: Is that an acronym?
Crow: The Oklahoma Hat Making Institute!

Wild Card, is that Azura?!"

Tom: (Bob) Umm, I love you too, Mom.

"Yes, Mom," Wild Card laughed. He hugged his mother, then let go so that she could look at the newborn User/Sprite.
"She's beautiful!" Marie exclaimed.

Crow: So. . . is the baby beautiful?
Mike: I can't remember.

"Thank you, Marie," Jo Ann smiled.
"Oh, my darling daughter," Marie kissed Jo Ann's forehead.

Tom: (Jo Ann) No, my darling daughter! Mine!

"Thanks...Mom..." Jo Ann smiled. Jason and Marie --as well as Paul and Darla-- were the closest to a father and mother Jo Ann had outside the User's world.

Crow: So why doesn't Jo Ann just write her real parents into the story?

Jo Ann hugged Marie.
"Jason, come here and see your new granddaughter!" Marie said to her husband.

Mike: (Jason) Halftime, honey! Halftime!

Jason was blue-skinned, with brown eyes and gold-chrome hair that was losing it's gold at the temples.
He came over and smiled, squeezing Jo's hand. "Oh my, isn't she beautiful?!"

All: (dully) Yes.

"Thanks, Dad," Wild Card smiled.
"Oh son..."
Azura gave a tiny yawn, but did not go to sleep.

Tom: I bet she didn't spontaneously combust either, but I think we can assume a few things.

"Can I hold her?" Marie asked.

Crow: (Jo Ann) No.

"Sure," Jo Ann smiled. She handed Azura to Marie.
Marie took her granddaughter and started to softly sing to her.
Jason gave Jo Ann a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which she returned.
Dot crept in quietly,

Mike: (Dot) Just lose myself in the crowd, avoid all contact with the family. . .

and just stood watching for a moment.
Bob noticed her and went up to her.

Tom: (Bob, low voice) Uh, there's some toilet paper stuck to your shoe there. . .

"Aren't you going to say, 'hello' to my folks?" he asked.
Dot smiled at him. "Pre-empt me?

Crow: (Bob) Uh. . . yes?

Hey, Jason! Hi, Marie!"
"Dot!" Jason grinned. He came right over to his other daughter-in-law.

Mike: (Dot) Stay away from me! Stay away from me!

Dot hugged him.
"When is your's due?" Jason smiled at her.
"Bob says a second or two."
"'A second or two'?!" Jason gasped. "That soon?!"
Dot nodded, "Not soon enough!!"

Crow: What the hell? They really are just copying and pasting this stuff, aren't they?

"Well, we'll be here for it!" Jason grinned.

Tom: (Jason) I like to watch.

Dot nodded, "Yeah, you will."
Both Jason and Marie were retired Guardians,

Mike: For once, I'd like to read a story where Bob's parents were car mechanics.
Crow: Hey, yeah! And they resent Bob for his ineffectiveness at auto repair!
Tom: And-and that leads Bob into a bitter spiral of self-loathing until he kills himself!

(Thoughtful silence.)

Mike: We have  got to get out of here.

but they still wore their gold and black icons proadly. Jason watched as Marie held Azura, rocking and humming to the tiny baby.

(Mike starts humming "MacArthur Park".)

Dot snuck up behind her mother-in-law and covered her eyes with her hands.
While most women would jump in surprise at the sneaky game, Marie did not.

Crow: (Marie) I saw you a mile off, Dot.

"Hi, Dot," she smiled.
"Hey, Marie!" Dot smiled.

Tom: (Dot) Thanks for coming! Sorry about the place being a war zone.
Mike: (Marie) Oh, don't worry about it, dear.

Carefully returning Azura to Jo Ann's arms, Marie turned to Dot and gave her a hug.
Dot hugged her back, "Its good to see you, Marie."
"And you, Dot. Another new mother!" Marie grinned at her daughter-in-law.
"Soon, Marie, soon..."

Crow: (Dot) Soon we'll be going through all of this "characters taking turns looking at the baby" crap all over again.

"Yes, dear," Marie smiled.
Dot smiled and drifted over to her own father

Mike: (Dot) Whee! I'm flying!

Paul held his arms out to Dot.
"Daddy!" Dot hugged him.
"How are you, Dot?" Paul asked.

Tom: (Dot) Pregnant. You?

"Tired, Daddy," Dot confessed.
"You need to slow down, honey," Paul told her.

Crow: (Paul) This kitchen has a 50 mph speed limit.

"You sound like Bob!" Dot pouted.
"I told your mother the same thing before you were born."

Mike: (Paul) "Stop lifting all those sacks of potatoes," I said. "It's not very good for the baby." Did she listen?

Dot chuckled, "Perhaps that's were I got my workaholism."
"That's possible," Paul grinned.

Tom: (Paul) She was drinking an awful lot of caffeine at the time.

Jason and Marie, meanwhile, had went over to meet Buffy and her friends.
"Hi!" Buffy smiled.
"Hello. And you are...?" Jason asked.
"Buffy, the Vampire Slayer," she smiled.

Crow: (Jason) Oh yeah, I watch that show.

"'Vampire Slayer'?" Jason and Marie looked at each other, then back at Buffy.
"Yeah: I slay vampires."

Mike: (Buffy) It's a difficult concept, I know.

"And your friends are...?" Marie asked.
"Giles: he's my Watcher...actually there's a lot of us: Suffice it to say we're Users and we're good guys!"

Tom: (Buffy) And you should trust me implicitly.

"Okay..." Jason said. He looked at Marie. Both mouthed the word, "Users?!?" to each other, their eyes wide.

Crow: (Jason) Man, how many of those things are there?

Buffy smiled at their reactions.

Mike: (Buffy) Hee hee. They think I'm God.

"Two of Mainframe's current virues are vampires," Giles explained.
"Ahh..." conprehension dawned.
"Will the children be safe?" Marie asked, concerned.

Tom: (Mrs. Lovejoy, hysterical) Won't somebody please think of the children?

"Jenny did a ritual to protect them," Giles smiled proudly at the technopagean.

Crow: Well, the important one anyway.

Jenny smiled at Jason and Marie when the two looked her way.
"Hi I'm Janna Kalderash -- Jenny Calender..."
"Jason. This is my wife, Marie. We are Bob and Wild Card's parents."
"Oh!! Congradulations on the birth of your grandchild!"

Mike: (Jason, modestly) Well, we can't take all the credit. . .

"Thank you, Ms. Calender," Jason smiled.
"Jenny, please -- or Janna...whichever you prefer."
"Okay...Jenny," Marie smiled.

Tom: Thrill as they decide what to call each other!

"I put lockouts on the Principle Office," Willow said.

Crow: (Willow) Remember that? That was something I did.

"The main lockout is only temporary, but the lockouts on the bedrooms, the bathrooms, and Phong's garden are permenant.

Mike: (Willow) Just don't ask how.

None of the virues can get into those places."
"Wonderful!" Marie exclaimed. "And you are--?"


Tom: (Marie) That's great! Who are you?

"Willow. Willow Rosenberg," the red-head smiled and held out her hand.

Crow: (Marie) Do you have a brother named Sol by any chance?

"Marie," the older woman smiled.
"Pleased to meet you," Willow said.

Mike: Man, good thing they're glad to meet each other. It might have added some sort of conflict to this story.

Now, Jason and Marie met Angel and Drak.

Tom: Considering how many characters they have left to meet and greet in this room, I'd say it's going to take up the rest of the story.

"It's an honor to meet you both," Angel smiled.
"Thank you," Jason smiled. He looked at Drak. A sprite?
"I'm a vampire, too," Drak smiled, as if reading his thoughts.

Crow: (Drak) Though it rarely matters, since I don't drink blood.

"A...good...vampire...I would hope," Marie said, staring at the raven-haired youth.
"We both are," Angel smiled.

Mike: (Angel) We're really good at blood-sucking.

"That's good to hear," Marie smiled.
"I would never hurt Buffy or anyone," Angel explained, "Not any more.."

Tom: (Angel) Well, I killed a teacher once, but that was it.

"Any more?" Jason asked, surprised.
"For over 110 years, I offered ugly death to everyone I met.." Angel told him.

Crow: (Angel) Hello, madam. Can I interest you in some ugly death this evening?
Mike: (female) Go away!
Crow: (Angel) Man, there's got to be a better way to get money for college. . .

Jason and Marie gasped.
"What changed you?" Marie asked.

Mike: (Angel) Blooddrinkers Anonymous.


Tom: (singing) The acid queen! Pay me before I start!

I killed a favorate daughter of their tribe;

Crow: (Angel) I knew I should have gone for one of the ugly ones.

and they devised the perfect punishment --they restored my soul."
"And with the soul, came a conciance?" Marie made a guess.

Mike: Okay, guys -- the people who've seen Buffy before know all this, and the ones who haven't stopped reading a long time ago.

Angel nodded, "And guilt for all I had done...I lived with that guilt for another 130 odd years...

Crow: (Angel) Me and my guilt, we got a place out in Madison. . .

then I met Buffy and experienced one moment of perfect joy...

Tom: (Angel) Ejaculation.

That, once again, robbed me of my soul..." he sighed.
"How did you get your soul back, this time?" Jason asked. By now, everyone had stopped to listen to Angel,

Mike: Hey! He's telling the one about his soul again!
Crow: Great! I love this one!

hoping that the information he was giving would help them understand their new friend.

Tom: Or at least kill another two pages or so.

Buffy bit her lip.

Mike: (Buffy) Man, I wish this place had a fast forward button.

Jenny sighed, "I was working on recreating the curse; and I had it! Then he killed me..."
"'KILLED' you?!?" Marie gasped, looking at Angel.

Crow: (Angel) No, killed her.

"Snapped her neck," Angel sighed.
"How did you get recursed, then?" Paul asked.

Tom: (Jenny) Don't you want to know why I'm still --
Mike: (Paul) No, tell me the part the audience already knows! It's fascinating!

"I did it," Willow siad, "He was going to resurrect a demon to suck earth into hell.."
"...and I fought him," Buffy added, "And after the demon was called forth, Angel's soul was restored."

Crow: Previously on Buffy.

"How was the demon defeated?" Darla asked. She had a feeling that the answer was not going to be a pleasent one to hear.

Tom: Really? I thought a story of hell and demons would be like a gay romp through a spring meadow.

"The demon was summouned through Angel's blood; the only way to stop it was through his blood...

Mike: (Buffy, sobbing) The stains never came out of the carpet!

I had to send the demon and...and Angel," Buffy's voice started to break, "to Hell..."
A collective gasp ran through the crowd.

Crow: (gasp) She said "Hell"!
Tom: (Darla) Wait, what's "hell" mean?

Buffy was crying now and Angel wrapped his arms around her. "But I came back to you..."

Tom: (Buffy, surprised) You mean you're not still in Hell? Well, that's a relief.

"As long as you are back where you are truely belong, and you have your soul," Bob said, putting his hands on Angel's shoulders. "That's all that matters."

Mike: (Angel) But I have to go through an eternal life of misery, never knowing true joy lest I --
Crow: (Bob) All that matters is that you're back.

"Yes... but there are still curses we have to live with," Angel sighed and stroked the weeping Slayer's hair.
"We all do," Jason said quietly.

Tom: (Jason) Like I'm cursed with this thinning hair line.

"Dad?" Bob asked.
"That was a long time ago, before I even met your mother. It was resolved with no difficulty.

Mike: Oh, much like every other conflict in this story.

When the occation is not so joyous, I'll tell you about is sometime," Jason smiled at Bob.

Crow: (Jason) And when there's not so many people around.

"Okay, Dad..." Bob sighed.
"If you are dead," Marie asked Jenny, "How are you here?"
The Techno-pagan shrugged, "Haven't the foggiest..."

Tom: (Jenny) The authors didn't write that part yet.

"At least you are here," Giles said.
"Amen to that, snobby," Jenny hugged him.
Azura began to get fussy. Jo Ann checked her over carefully for whatever the problem might be.

Mike: (Jo Ann) Does she need new batteries or something? What's the deal here?

"Look; fun and everyhting this get-together is," Buffy sighed, "I wanna get on with what I came to do!"


Mike: YES! All right!
Crow: We love you Buffy! You tell 'em!

"We can't until tonight," Bob said.

(Screams of anguish)

Tom: (sobbing) Why? Why does he say things he knows will hurt me?
Mike: (patting his back) There there.

"Chimera and Pixil won't come out when it's light."
"Bingo! I have the upperhand that way!"
"Since I created a lightball that will burn for cycles --weeks, as you Users would say-- they won't be at the Tor. Where would they be, then?" Bob asked.

Crow: Hold on. . . They can't go to the Tor since it's light in there, but they can't go outside either 'cause it's light out there too, and. . .

"Hmm..." Dot bit her lip.
"You have any ideas, Dot?" Buffy asked.
"No..." Dot sighed.
"So, we wait until tonight," Bob said.

Crow: (Pinky) Why, Brain? What are we going to do tonight?

"How long until nightfall?" Drak asked.
"Too long," Angel sighed.

Tom: (Jo Ann) Darn. Guess we'll have to adore my baby some more. Who wants to go first?

Jo Ann, meanwhile, had found the cause of Azura's fussiness. She asked Dot for something to use as a diaper.
Dot smiled

Tom: (Dot) I love getting diapers!

and headed to her office. She brought back some diapers.
Under Marie's guidence, Jo Ann cleaned Azura and put on a diaper.

Mike: No, wait! You didn't tell us how she folded the diaper! Did she use tape or safety pins? How are we supposed to visualize this?

Buffy and Angel started sparring, so she would be ready.

Crow: (Dot) No! Not in the kitchen! Hey, stay away from those dishes!

Jo Ann begun nursing Azura, who was hungery again.
Drak decided to help his cousin fight the Slayer. He kept his sword sheathed, though. The katana would take a human life as well as a vampire's life.
Buffy whirled, aiming a roundhouse kick at her new assailant.

Tom: You know, it says something when a mock battle is the most exciting part of a story.
Mike: This is exciting?
Tom: Well, you know, relatively speaking. . .

Drak blocked the kick with his left fist, as he was taught by his Japanese sensi. He retailiated with a karate punch with his right fist.

Crow: (sighing) Well, at least there's no gardening equipment this time.

The heel of Buffy's right hand deflected the blow into Angel's stomach...he had been attempting a surprise attack.
"Cousin, are you okay?" Drak said in alarm.
Angel nodded, winded slightly. Buffy tagged the back of Drak's skull gently with her elbow.

Tom: And cracked it open like a melon!

Drak whirled and grabbed the arm, attempting to throw Buffy to the ground.
She used his momentum and twisted into a back-flip, the heels of her shoes hitting his chest armour.

Mike: Umm, you guys? The newborn baby is right there.

Drak staggered back, concetrating on a new attack.
"C'mon, Drak --you can do better than that!" Buffy goaded him.
Coming at her again, Drak aimed a roundhouse kick at Buffy.

Crow: Unfortunately, about two thousand of the extras in the room got in his way.

She dropped to her knees and rolled away.
Drak then tried a foot sweep kick.
The foot connected with Buffy's thigh and she let out a gasp of pain, doubling over.

Mike: Oh my God, the tension!
Crow: Yeah, 'cause you know, if Buffy loses, she'll be. . . umm. . .

"Buffy, are you alright?" Drak asked, going to her.
Buffy shot to her feet, aiming an upper-cut to his jaw,just hard enough to let him know she could do it; not really hard enough to hurt.
"Fine, You?" She asked.

Tom: (Drak) Well, except for this sudden pain in my jaw, just fine.

"Oh, that was really sneaky, Buffy!" Drak grumbled, rubbing his jaw.
"Sorry, Drak, honey..." She smiled at him, kicking out behind her, after spotting Angel creeping up on her in the reflection in Drak's eyes.

Mike: Man, she's got great eyesight.

Angel caught Buffy's foot and held on to it.
She twisted hard, trying to make him let go.
They both ended up on the floor.

Crow: Oh, so before they were hovering above the floor?

Buffy scrambled to gain the upper hand.
Angel surprised Buffy by tickling her.
"ANGEL!!!!" She squealed.

Tom: (Buffy) Cut it out! We're supposed to be trying to kill each other to make up for the lack of plot!

Drak backed off, laughing at the turn of events in the sparring session.
"ANGEL SO HELP ME I'M GONNA..." Buffy squealed through fits of laughter.
"Gonna do what, Buffy!" Angel grinned.

Crow: (Angel) Huh? Not so tough now are you?

"What I should have done to Angelus!" she gasped.

Mike: (Angel, hurt) Well that was a little rude.

"I am not even going to go there," Angel smiled. Quickly, he caught her up in his arms and kissed her.
Buffy's protests melted away and she gently returned the kiss,

Tom: And he kneed her in the ribs!
Crow: (Angel) Man, you always fall for that one!

moving the cross from around her neck to be at her back, for fear of burning him.
"I guess this ends the training session," Drak smiled.

Mike: (Drak) Now for some bantering, maybe introduce a few new characters. . .

He walked over to his girlfriend, Isis.
Buffy giggled, "I need to keep testing my reflexes...and I would have, if a certain tall dark and gorgeous somebody hadn't turned it into a make-out session!"

Tom: Yeah, with all that filthy kissing.

Enzo and Andri giggled.

Crow: They have a physical relationship! It's funny!

Angel laughed at that.
"Care to go a few rounds with her, Bob?" he asked the Guardian.

Tom: (Bob) Well, gee, I don't know how Dot would feel about -- oh, you mean fighting.

"Or what about you, Turbo?" Buffy asked.
"Me?" the Prime Guardian asked, surprised.

Crow: (Turbo) But I'm engaged!
Mike: Okay you two. . .

Buffy smiled, "Why not?"
"Well..." Turbo was a little unsure. Buffy was somewhat small. But she had fought Matrix to a draw.

Tom: And she'd picked him up. Can't forget about that.

"Don't worry about me," Buffy smiled at him, "I'll pull my punches..."
Matrix hid his laughter behind his hand as he thought about his own sparring session with the Slayer.

Crow: (Matrix) It was so delightful, how she injured me!

"It comes with being Slayer; I am way stronger than I look..."
"Well...if yer sure..." Turbo said.
"Don't worry about me and don't hold back against me either."

Tom: (Buffy) Just really, really try to kill me.

"All ryght..." Turbo went into a fighter's stance.

Mike: (Turbo) Copeland! Full delete!
Crow: (Buffy) AAAAUGH!
Mike: (Turbo) Hmm. . . maybe I should've held back a little.

Buffy slipped into a defensive stance of her own and started to circle the Prime Guardian, sizing him up.

Tom: (Buffy) Let's see, waist 34, collar 17. . .

Turbo wondered if Buffy's size had been a factor when she was fighting Matrix. Had Matrix been reluctant to attack the girl because of it?

Mike: C'mon, since when has Matrix been afraid of killing small things?

Buffy watched Turbo's gentlemanly doubts play across his face. She smiled at him, and went swiftly for a sweep kick.

Crow: And Buffy kicked his ass around the kitchen. Next scene please.

Reacting quickly, Turbo jumped out of the way. With no time to go for a grab, he got down for a sweeping foot kick of his own.

Tom: As opposed to a sweeping hand kick or a sweeping elbow kick.

Cartwheeling backwards, Buffy let her right foot knock his jaw back, concentrating hard not to hurt him.

Mike: Hey, what ever happened to not holding back?

Turbo managed to move so that he only took a glancing blow. He still felt it, though.
Buffy landed on her feet again and grinned at him.

Crow: (Buffy) I like hitting you.

"Very good, young lady," Turbo smiled.
"Thanks," She smiled back.
Now Turbo aimed a roundhouse kick at Buffy's head.

Tom: (Buffy) Well, I guess I showed you who's -- AAAUGH!

She ducked, but certainly felt the wind of the kick.
"You move pretty fast for --" She bit off the rest of the remark; it would be rude to say "For an old guy"

Mike: (Buffy) For a, umm, "chronologically enhanced" guy.

"Are ya sure yer not a Guardian?" Turbo asked.
Buffy chuckled, "I guess I am, sort of...I guard the earth against vampires."
"Any more like you?" he asked.

Crow: (Turbo) Got a sister you could introduce me to?

"One; although technically, there shouldn't be."
"I wish we had a Vampire Slayer," Bob sighed.

Tom: (Abominable Snowman) I would love her and hug her and pet her and name her George.

"I'm sort of one of a kind...but wherever there are vampires there should be a Slayer..." Buffy threw a punch at Turbo's jaw.

Mike: So, they've melded the pointless banter with the pointless fight scene. Nice.

"Like Jo Ann's one of a kind," Turbo blocked the punch.

Crow: (Jo Ann) Yes! Me! I am superior! I am unique!

Buffy held onto the hand that had blocked her punch and threw herself backwards, placing a foot on Turbo's chest, dragging him with her.
Turbo rolled to the side, afraid that his huge frame would hurt Buffy if he landed on her.
Buffy rolled with him and got up quickly and sat on Turbo's chest.

Tom: Now she's going to give him a Purple Nurple!

"Okay!" Turbo laughed. "Ah surrender!"
Buffy got up and offered her hand to the Prime Guardian to help him up.

Crow: And he kicked her in the ribs!
Tom: (Turbo) Wow, you really are gullible!

Turbo took the offered hand, allowing Buffy to help pull him up.
Buffy hugged him. "Not bad for an old guy," she teased.

Mike: (Buffy) Wait, I wasn't supposed to say that out loud.

"Not so bad, yerself, Miss Summers," Turbo grinned.

Crow: (Turbo) For a little thin chick.

Buffy smiled at him.
"Ya know...we once cloned Jo Ann an' Wild Card for tha Mainframe of another dimention...


Tom: (scared) Umm. . . Mike? Did we just read that?
Mike: (patting his back) I'm afraid so, Tom.

Ah wonder if we could clone ya fer a Vampire Slayer fer this Mainframe..."
"There he goes again." Bob said, teasingly. "Another of Turbo's brilliant ideas!"

Crow: (Bob) Using a proven cloning technique so that we can have someone to protect us from vampires! Of all the stupid. . .

"Two Buffy's?!" Giles sounded agahst.
"Why not?" Angel grinned.
"Y'know, I could make an incredibly lewd comment right now, lover," Buffy teased.

Crow: Well hey, allow me: You know, I could really go for a sandwich right about --

(Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.)

Mike: I know the story's getting to us, but please.

"I wonder if you could clone a vampire..." Drak said, looking at his cousin.
"Now there's a thought..." Buffy practically purred.

Tom: (Buffy) Then we could do a Doublemint commercial!

"Well, if they clone you, they'll have to definately clone Angel," Drak smiled.

Crow: What the hell, let's just clone everybody. This story needs more characters anyway.

"The clone wouldn't be a vampire," Jenny said suddenly.
"It wouldn't?" Angel asked in surprise.
"No; it would just be you --genetically there's no difference between humans and vampires..."

Mike: (Jenny) Of course, it still wouldn't have a soul, so. . .

"Then the Buffy clone would have..." Drak looked over at his cousin.

Tom: Chocolate chip cookies?

"And would be able to have --"

Crow: Her own parking space? What?

Angel clamped his hand over her mouth.
"Kids in the room," he told her and then removed his hand.

Mike: (Angel) They can't handle mature topics like a person having a baby.

"Who died and made you BS&P?!"
"Please, don't mention them!" Dot begged.
"Why? Are they gipping you again?" Buffy asked.

Tom: If they got that childbirth scene past, I think it's safe to say that they're not a factor.

"I'm just getting sick of hearing about them," Dot sighed.
"Censors? Who needs 'em -- real life is more violent anyway..."

Mike: Yeah. When I was in college, hardly a day would pass where I didn't get into a gorey knife fight with passers-by on the street.

"You got that right!" Matrix grinned.
Buffy hugged him.

Crow: (Buffy) I love the way you embrace senseless destruction.

"Getting back to the clones; wouldn't the Buffy one need a Watcher?" Willow asked.
"Oooh...a cloned Giles!" Jenny laughed and whispered something suggestive in the Watcher's ear and giggled as he blushed.

Tom: Clones: for all your sexual fantasy fullfillment needs.

"I think that's all we'll really need to clone!" Xander grinned.
"At least I won't be alone here," Jenny commented.

Mike: What with the eighteen trillion characters in the kitchen.

"You're not coming back with us, are you?" Giles asked quietly.
"Miss Calender?" Willow looked at the Gypsy woman, unsure if she wanted to hear the answer.
"I can't..." Jenny looked at her feet. "I'm dead."

Crow: (Giles) Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot about -- what the -- hey!

"Then...how are you here?" Giles asked.
"I don't know; but look at me, Rupert --I'm a sprite."
"Jenny is right, Giles," Isis said. "She is a sprite, now.

Tom: (Isis) And she must obey her thirst.

She belongs in Mainframe."
"Actually, you're only half right --I belong with Rupert; my heart will never leave him. But I am a sprite now."

Mike: I think she's a sprite.
Tom: Really? Where did you get that from?
Crow: It's kind of implied. You know, there's little clues here and there. . .

"And Giles can not stay," said Phong. "He is a User."

Mike: (Giles) Wait a minute. How come Jo Ann can --
Crow: (Phong) Well, she rules the universe, so it's okay.

"I know."
"Course, that means ya'll have ta go ta tha Super Computer. That's where tha clonein' facilies are," Turbo said.
"Dot said she'd take me shopping there anyway," Buffy smiled.

Tom: So, we'll go shopping, get cloned, have the photos developed. . .

"After her baby was born," AndrAIa smiled.
"I know!" Buffy smiled.
Meanwhile Giles and Jenny had retreated to a corner and were talking.
"I can't believe I'm going to lose you again..."

Mike: (Giles) I mean, first I lose my keys, and now this!

"You never lost me, Rupert..."
"But Angel --I mean Angelus-- killed you!"
"I was always around, watching over you."

Tom: (Jenny) Where you see only one set of footprints, I was carrying you.

"But how did you end up a sprite?"
"I followed you guys in the portal...I figure, Computer-land! Uh-oh!

Crow: Trouble!

Rupert's gonna need some help...then I found myself in a new body."
"Prehaps you were destined to be here," Giles said thoughtfully.

Mike: Oh, he's a Calvinist.

"Perhaps that infant," he pointed to where Wild Card, Jo Ann, and Azura were, "--and Dot's, too-- has a special destiny to fullfill, and you are needed to guide them."

Tom: (Giles) Maybe you were destined to be a plot device to help assure Jo Ann's baby be vampire-proof.

"Rupert, maybe; but I'd still rather be with you!"
"And I, with you." Maybe Giles had been trying to rationalize the fact that he would have to leave Mainframe without Jenny.

Crow: Or maybe he was just spraying words out his noise hole.

"I'll always be here -- your computer genie...


Mike: (Jenny) I'll be your little giga pet!

If you ever get a computer, that is," she teased.
Giles blushed. "Well, perhaps you will pop up in the library computer whenever Willow turns it on."
"I promise!"

Tom: Unfortunately, due to accelerated Mainframe time, Jenny completed her natural life span in a matter of days.

"How long until nightfall?" Angel asked.
"Too long!" Buffy smiled.

Crow: (Buffy) I'm delighted that we can't finish this damned story up yet!

"What to do, what to do..." Cordy sighed.
"Dunno," Willow shrugged.

Mike: (Buffy) We could re-introduce ourselves to each other, discuss the back story, fawn over Jo Ann's baby. . .

"Well, what time is it?" Oz asked.

Tom: (Oz) Man, how long have I been in Limbo?

"5:30," Dot smiled.
"We missed lunch?!?" Xander's mouth gaped open.
"You slept through lunch," Dot told him.
"I did?!"

Crow: (Xander) Huh. So that's what I was doing for the last thirty pages. I was wondering what happened to me.

Dot nodded, "Yeah..."
"Man, no wonder I feel so hungry!" He rubbed his growling stomach.
Dot laughed.

Mike: He's hungry and it's funny!

Xander leaned over to speak to Azura.
"You're lucky Azura; as long as Jo's holding you, you'll never miss a meal!"
Buffy just laughed at him.

Tom: (Buffy) What a loser!

Azura gurgled at the young User.
Xander smiled, "She's lovely."
"Thank you," Jo Ann smiled.

Crow: (Jo Ann) Let's see, I think that's everybody now. . .

"She's way too young for ya, Xand!" Buffy teased.


Crow: Man, talk about robbing the --
Mike: (darkly) No.
Tom: I guess you could say he really --
Mike: (darkly) No.

"Buffy!" Xander blushed. Then, his stomach let out a huge growl.
The Slayer giggled again.
"All ryght," Mouse laughed. "Ah'll go fix somethin'. Just nobody order any blood! Ah don't cook that!" She moved to the work area of the kitchen.

Crow: (Mouse) Just move Jo Ann's bed out of the way. . . one side Hex. . . hey Oz, go back to Limbo, will ya?

"You don't cook it, Mouse...you hunt for it," Angel teased.
"That reminds me; somebody order up some blood fer Angel there!"

Tom: Aren't people going to get a little suspicious after a while?

Mouse said as she searched for the ingredeants for their supper.

Mike: (Mouse) Let's see, mayonaisse, tabasco sauce, old shoe. . .

Angel smiled, "Thanks Mouse."
"No problem, sugah!" she answered.
Buffy was on her back doing sit-ups and Willow held her feet.

Crow: (Buffy) I ate an entire cashew back there; gotta work for it now.

Turbo was timing her with Copeland.
"How's my time?" she yelled.
"Doin' tweleve a microsecond," Turbo told her.

Tom: Yeah, but what's she doing in Mainframe time?

Buffy groaned, "I can do better than that! I'm sure!" She sped up to an exhaustive pace.
"Buffy! Slow down!" Angel said, worriedly.

Mike: As she snapped in half.

"Good idea..." she gasped, collapsing onto her back, panting for breath.
"Here," Andri said, giving her an energy shake.
Buffy slipped slowly at it

Crow: (Buffy) Mustn't consume too many nutrients. . .

and hugged the little girl in thanks.
"You are welcome," Andri smiled.
Buffy smiled warmly at the girl. "Since you and Enzo don't have the charms,

Tom: (Buffy) You're going to have to get by on your looks.

I guess I should show you both how to handle a stake."
"Will you?" Andri and Enzo asked.
"Sure --it beats trying to kill myself with sit-ups."

Mike: Training children: a feasible alternative to suicide.

"Can we, Mom and Dad?" little Enzo asked, turning toward Paul and Darla.
"That would be wonderful, Buffy!" Darla smiled.
"Yea!!!" Enzo and Andri cried together happily.

Crow: (Enzo) We can try it out on Angel!

Buffy got to her feet a little too quickly, "Woah, dizzy..." she muttered.
"Are you alright?" Angel asked, steading her.
"Yeah; I'm ok...I got up too fast, just a little woozy..."

Tom: (Buffy, nervously) I'm not starving myself to death!

Buffy walked over to the pile of stakes and selected three. she handed one to each child and kept one herself.
Enzo and Andri stood ready to follow Buffy's instructions.

Mike: Preparing to learn the ancient art of holding a stick.

Buffy held the stake in her fist and showed the kids the grip. "Don't think of the stake as a foriegn object; its part of your arm from the minute...err...nano you pick it up."

Crow: (Buffy) Become one with the wood. Let it enter your soul. Watch out for splinters.

Little Enzo and Andri imitated Buffy's grip. Buffy checked to be sure they had it right.
The kids watched Buffy and listened for her next instruction.

Tom: (Buffy) Well, uh, then you stab a vampire. The end.

"I'm no teacher; so bear with me. Umm...get the feel of the stake; its kind of instinct for me..." she apologized.
Giles came up to lend Buffy a hand at teaching the kids.

Mike: (Giles) No no NO! You're doing it wrong!

"Thanks, Giles. Listen to the Watcher, kids.

Crow: (Buffy) I'm outta here.

I rarely do, but when I don't I usually end up in trouble."

(Suddenly, everything goes black.)

Crow: Umm. . . hello?
Mike: Don't question it. Just be glad it's over.

(Sighs of relief.)

Tom: You know. . . maybe we should take a look at the ship. See what's going on.
Mike: Hmmm. . . guess you're right.

(A flashlight beam cuts the darkness. Cambot pans down to the guys, who file out of the theater.)

Crow: Good thing the locks came undone when the power went down.
Tom: Who are you, the narrator? C'mon!

(Cambot pulls out of the theater. The doors don't close behind him.)

(Back on the SOL bridge. Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are still there. The emergency lights are on and a siren is going. They've got the steering wheel set up, and Pearl is wrestling with it. Mike and the bots enter.)

Mike: (awkwardly) So, uh. . . Pearl. You're still here.

Pearl: Yep.

Mike: (looking around at the chaos) Is something wrong?

Gypsy: (popping up) Ten seconds to impact! (hiding away)

(Bobo and Observer brace themselves)

Pearl: Well, things got a little screwed up out here. The ion storm got a little out of control, and. . .

(An explosion jars the Satellite, knocking Mike and the bots around a bit.)

Magic Voice: Hull breach in Sector Z.

Pearl: Brainy!

Observer: Got it! (he concentrates)

Magic Voice: Breach repaired.

Pearl: So anyways, Megabyte got sucked up into this wormhole, and we went in after him.

Mike: Oh, okay. Umm. . . is there anything we can do for you?

Pearl: Sure. Howzabout if you shut your fat gob and go finish your story?

Observer: Look, I told you, I had to reroute all of the power from the theater so we could avert this crisis!

Pearl: Right right. . . so, umm, why don't you go boil some water, huh?

Mike: Oh, okay. (Mike wanders off)

Observer: Look! I see it! We're almost at the end!

(There's a bright flash of green light, then all of the emergency stuff dies down.)

Pearl: Okay, Cambot, let's see where we are.

(Cut to the shot of Mainframe (!!!) from the opening sequence, with the SOL pasted awkwardly in the sky. A bar or two of the Guardian Theme plays.)

Servo: (muttering) Oh great. Now we're in Mainframe. Think we can sink any further into this weird crossover thing?

Crow: Oh, come on. Like you didn't see this coming.

Servo: I know, but it just makes me mad. . .

Pearl: Hey, you know, as long as we're in Mainframe, maybe I should contact that Hexadecimal.

Observer: After determining what happened to Megabyte and Bob and possibly recovering them, of course.

Pearl: Oh, they're big boys; let 'em wait. Cambot, see if you can phone Hex for me.

(Hexadecimal suddenly appears behind them.)

Hexadecimal: Hello.

(Everyone else is startled for a moment.)

Hexadecimal: Why, Pearl! Pearl Forrester, what a delightful surprise!

(Hex and Pearl share a warm hug.)

Crow: (awkwardly) Uh, hi. . .

Bobo: (aside to Observer) Where were we when we met up with the spooky-faced lady?

Observer: (aside to Bobo) You know, I don't recall. . .

Pearl: Oh, we have so much catching up to do.

Hexadecimal: I know! Listen, why don't we go back to my lair and discuss it over some tea?

Pearl: Oh, that would be wonderful. . . uh, do you mind if we bring my evil minions?

Hexadecimal: Not at all! (as an afterthought) They are housebroken, aren't they?

Pearl: Well, keep Bobo away from the Pepsi.

(Holes appear in the floor of the satellite, and Hex, Pearl, Bobo, and Observer disappear through them.)

Servo: Huh.

Crow: So. . . another weird reality. Yep. Don't see those very often. Guess we're just going to have to ride it out till Mike blows it up or something.

Servo: Hmmm. Maybe we shouldn't tell him about it.

Crow: Oooo, yeah, right.

Mike: (wandering in with a pan of noodles) Say, you never told me what the water was for, so I just made some Ramen noodles and. . . hey, where'd the Mads go?

Crow: Oh, umm, no place.

Mike: Huh. Well, the lights and stuff are off, so we must be through the wormhole. Anyone check where we ended up?

Servo: Uhhh. . . you know, just umm. . . outer space. Somewhere else in outer space.

Mike: Are we near anything? Are there any planets in the neighborhood? I mean, we don't want to run into any hostile life forms in our weakened condition, just coming out of that ion storm.

Crow: (defensively) Look, you can just take your bloodlust somewhere else, 'cause we're not letting you blow up Mainframe, you creep!

Mike: (stunned) Mainframe? You mean we're in orbit above Mainframe? Like in the show and the stories? Cambot, get me Rocket Number Nine!

Servo: (trying hopelessly to keep Crow from blowing their cover) Uh, no Cambot, that won't be necessary. No no, he said, uh, Name Game, yeah, that's it. You know, like, Mike Mike Bo Bike Banana Fanna Mo Mike. . .

(Lights and sirens)

Servo and Crow: We've got Movie Sign! (they skedaddle)

Mike: (walking off with his noodles) I could have sworn. . .

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