"Return to Sender"

Mike: About a psychotic postal worker who goes on a three day killing spree!
Bob: Huh?!
Tom Servo: You'll understand soon.

By Alycia "CyberCat" Shedd

Crow: Hope she doesn't have any hairballs.
Tom Servo: How can a "CyberCat" cough up hairballs?
Crow: You've never heard of "Static Cling"?
(Tom and Mike groan loudly while Bob just sits looking confused)

DISCLAIMER: The characters used in this story are property of Alliance and BLT Productions.

Mike: Who had absolutely no choice in the making of this.


Crow: Also known as: The stuff that happens before the stuff.

When the disaster known as the Web World War ended,

Tom Servo: Netscape was bankrupt.
Bob: Shhh, this is about me!
Tom Servo: Oh, even better reason to make fun of it.

Things did not look good for the citizens of Mainframe.

Mike: Because they elected Clinton.
Bob: Who's Clinton?
Crow: Quiet, you're interrupting good insulting.

The Principal Office was on the brink of a viral takeover.

Mike: Everyone was catching the flu.

Guardian Bob had been banished to the Web,

Crow: Hey this has you in it. Fun!

Leaving Cadet Guardian Enzo Matrix in charge of defending the system. The newly upgraded Guardian fought bravely but futilely,

Tom Servo: Because he had to take his nap.

And soon Megabyte and Hexadecimal stood at the door which would take them to the Inner Core.

Mike: Down, down...
Tom and Crow: Mike!
Mike: Sorry, I thought we were finished with "The Mole People.".

Fortunately for our heroes, the two viruses were too incompatible to form a lasting partnership.

Mike: Both were just too darn ugly.

An argument immediately broke out over the terms of their agreement.

Crow: "Now Hex dear, I'll do the cooking and you'll do the shopping."
Tom Servo: "But I want to do the cooking. You can do the shopping."

Hexadecimal wanted control of at least half of the city, to do with as she pleased. Megabyte, however, wanted all of Mainframe for his own. Before long, the old sibling rivalry began to show itself, and the argument turned to all-out war.

Crow: Ohhh, that's original.

Meggy and Hex, in their rage, completely forgot what they had come there to do. This gave Guardian Matrix

Mike: "Guardian" Matrix? Ohhh, isn't he getting a bit egotisical for a toddler?

just enough time to send the members of the terrible twosome back to their respective hangouts. Thus, Megabyte and Hexadecimal's reign of terror ended barely two microseconds after it began.

Mike: And they all lived happily ever after, the end. Alright, let's go...

Our story begins

Mike: D'OH.

as Dot, Mouse, Enzo, Andraia, and Phong sit in the Principle Office, discussing the events that have just taken place...

Crow: (Dot) "So we won?"
Tom Servo: (Mouse) "Purtty much"
Crow: "So why are we discussing this?"
Tom Servo: "To waste time, space, and creativity, shugah."

Part I
The Web threat was long gone,

Mike: It went into politics.

and Megabyte and Hexadecimal would be busy fighting each other

Tom Servo: and it's a left, a right, Hexadecimal scores!

for some time. But none of the sprites in the Principle Office were at all happy with the recent turn of events.

Crow: They wanted to be ruled like puppets.

Bob had only come to Mainframe a few minutes ago,

Mike: So they really didn't care about him.
Bob: Heeeeeyyyyy!
Tom Servo: Quick, tie him down!
(Crow ties Bob up and gags him)
Crow: Got him!
Bob: Urmph!

but it seemed as if they had known him all their lives.

Mike: Wow, short lives!

The fact that he was gone was too hard to accept.

Tom Servo: So they went into deep denial and are currently under psychological counsel, the end.

Enzo seemed more upset than anyone else.

Crow: So he curled up in Bob's sock drawer and cried for days.

He had always regarded Bob as the greatest hero ever initialized.

Mike: Now, he realized his life was a lie.

It seemed as though nothing could bring him down--but now...

Tom Servo: He was a pathetic little boy, doomed to spend the rest of his life alone.

"He's really gone," Enzo moaned. "Erased, off-line, deleted-"

Crow: Why can't they just say he died and accept it?
Tom Servo: Computer-lingo, remember?
Crow: (Points to Bob) Then what's he doing here?
Tom Servo: Who cares? Watch the movie!

"We don't know that for certain," Dot said, attempting to comfort her little brother.

Crow: (Dot) "Now just because Bob is probably a fried piece of toast is no reason to be upset."

"For all we know, he could be still alive."

Crow: "Yeah, right. Oh, sorry."

She sounded much more confident than she felt.

Mike: She was currently high.

She had heard all sorts of horrible stories about the Web--stories that would make your codes stand on end.

Tom Servo: They tortured people with Sailor Moon episodes.

Even if Bob had survived passing through the portal, he would have a difficult time getting out of the Web alive...

Mike: Yeah, like he'd ever get out alive.

"Where is Mouse?" Andraia said suddenly. "What?" Dot glanced over to where Mouse had been sitting a nanosecond ago. Sure enough, she was gone; and an all-too-familiar symbol was carved in the wall by the doorway.

Tom Servo: A double Helix?
Mike: Hey, Bob's trying to say something!
Crow: Get the clown hammer, Mike.
(Mike grabs a large mallet, knocks Bob on the head and Bob slips to the floor.)

"Just like a hacker," thought Dot bitterly.

Tom Servo: She gets all the cute guys.

"We're in the middle of a crisis,

Crow: Yeah, they're out of coffee.

and she wanders off as if she hasn't a care in the Net..."

Tom Servo: Actually, she doesn't.

Dot was wrong about Mouse.

Mike: She doesn't get all the cute guys?

As her ship cruised down the Information Superhighway,

All: Ahhhh! A Clinton reference!

a plan was forming in her mind.

Crow: You *Can* pick a peck of pickled peppers.

The only way to end this, Mouse reasoned, would be to go back to where it began...

Tom Servo: Where's that?
Mike: The beginning, of course.
Tom Servo: Oh, I see... Huh?!

Part II: 'Turbo'

Tom Servo: I can't take much more of this, help! Help!
(Mike smacks Tom, Tom's bubblehead whirls around crazily)
Tom Servo: Sorry, on with the show!

Alone in the darkened council chamber,

Crow: (Turbo) "DAMN, forgot to pay the light bills again!"

Guardian Turbo-

(Tom starts making engine noises)

leader of the Guardian Council and COMMAND.COM of the Supercomputer-- reflected upon the events of the past few seconds.

Mike: Son of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed.

System Mainframe had not been destroyed as planned.

Tom Servo: The Ortho man screwed up.

Turbo considered this good news; the rest of the Council, however, felt otherwise.

Mike: They like blowing up things.

He had been against destroying the system from the very beginning.

Mike: He was a sworn atheist, ever since he killed that cockroach when he was four traumatized him for life.

However, he had soon realized that it was inevitable.

Crow: Yeah, they had a man smoking Morley cigarettes on their side.

A Class M web-creature

Tom Servo: Oh, you mean you can live on it?

posed a danger to the entire Net;

Crow: Yeah, it was an honest bloodsucker.

deleting one Guardian wasn't enough to justify letting it live.

Mike: Killing ten, however, is completely different.

Of course, when that Guardian also happened to be one's own little brother, it was hard to be objective...

Mike: So he ordered the death personally.
(Bob finally gets the gag off.)
Bob: He was my brother?
Tom Servo: Man, this writer really screwed it up!
Bob: Maybe you *should* be making fun of this.
Crow: Ole chrome head's finally starting to get it.
Bob (chuckling): So, how about untying me?
Mike: Yeah right! We still can't trust you.

Turbo's train of thought was broken by the metallic ping of a VidWindow opening directly in front of him.

Crow: His brain's a set of tracks?
Mike: What I want to know is why that metallic ping didn't smack him in the forehead...
(Crow and Tom look at Mike oddly)
Mike: Neveeerrrmind...

"Sorry to bother you, sir,"

Tom Servo: "But I hate you."

said the zero binome whose face appeared within its frame,

Crow: Whooo, boy, is he lame. He's a zero!

"but there's a Priority One transmission coming in from a sprite who calls herself 'Mouse'.

Tom Servo: She wants to "roll" around you.

"Should I hold her for--"

Tom Servo: "--you to take your pleasure out of her later?"

"Put it through!" Turbo snapped quickly. The zero's face was replaced by that of a data sprite with tattooed lavender skin, magenta eyes, and fering orange hair.

Mike: These punk rockers are getting more and more outrageous every year!

"So...Mouse," the Guardian said carefully, "I didn't expect to see you back so soon."

Mike: "As a matter of fact, I hoped you were dead and rotting!"

Mouse scowled. "Let's just say yo' little 'suicide mission' didn't quite go as planned."

Tom Servo: "I love you!"
Crow: Man, is she easily forgiving!

Turbo sighed. This wasn't going to be easy to explain. "Look, Mouse,

Mike: "I hate you. I wanted you dead."

I told you the assignment was dangerous."

Crow: "Pizza delivery service can be tough."

"That's not what ah called you about, sugah. It's about yo' brother--"

Mike: "He's dead, Jim."
Tom Servo: (Turbo) "Who cares?"

"Bob can take care of himself."

Crow: Yeah, he's a big boy now.

Mouse shook her head sadly. "Not where he's goin', he can't." She proceeded to tell Turbo all that had happened since her last transmission.

Mike: The parties, the fights, the pillaging. All because of Bob.

When she finished, there was a strange silence in the council chamber; the silence of a sprite too shocked to speak.

Tom Servo: But, being a politician, this didn't last long.

"I'll call an emergency Council meeting,"

Mike: I thought they weren't supposed to know.
Crow: Oh, but he'll explain and everything will be *happy* !
Tom Servo: Crow, sometimes you scare me.
Mike: That loses it's impact on him after a little while Tom...
Tom Servo: I know.. but it's *fun* to say!

Turbo said finally. His voice shook slightly, but that was all; he rarely showed outward signs of emotion. "But I don't think there's much we can do."

Mike: I'll set up the burial services.

"Maybe there's nuthin' you can do," Mouse cut in, "but there is somethin' I can do.

Tom Servo: "So why did *you* call *me*?"

But ah need you to do me a little favor first..."

Crow: The next portion has been censored by B.S.nP. For once, correctly doing so.

@.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..

(Mike, the 'Bots and Bob exit the theater. Crow drags Bob through again, this time because he is almost completely chained down. The doors all shut and Mike and the rest appear in the main area of the ship.)

Mike: We have survived three parts of the movie so far and have decided to do a skit on Bob's abduction by the Web creatures.

Bob: But this is nothing like what happened!

Tom Servo: We know! Shut up! You're ruining all our fun dammit!

Magic Voice: After the horrible event known as the Web World War, Bob...

(Bob gets strapped to giant spring-loaded catapult. The catapult is aimed at one of the view-screens which is showing a spider's web.)

Magic Voice: ...was launched into the net.

(Crow, looking strangely familiar with a blue painted body, green glowing golf balls from the episode "The Mole People", and a large blue beard, and his net-head having been painted red, pulls the switch on the catapult and launches Bob at the viewscreen. Bob spats against the screen and slides to the floor.)

Bob: Oyaya.. VidWindows aren't supposed to be solid...

Magic Voice: Megabyte (Crow) and Hexadecimal (Tom, with spikes around his bubble dome) would now rule Mainframe. But then...

(Mike dressed as Enzo and Gypsy dressed as Dot (Sort of.) show up to the left of Crow and Tom.)

Magic Voice: ...arrive to stop the horrible duo. They arrive too late. But, after a long and vicious battle...

(Mike pulls all of Crows limbs off and throws them onto a table. Gypsy just pushes Tom off the table, immobilizing him, eh, her, eh, whatever!)

Tom: Ah! My hover skirt! My hover skirt! Um.. I mean.. uh.. oh no! My mask! It broke! Yeah.. that'll do...

Magic Voice: ...The two heroes win and bring Bob back to...

(Lights start flashing.)

Everybody: WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!

(Everybody starts screaming. Mike picks up Crow's parts and Tom and run for the doorway, Bob crawls after them.)

6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. @..
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