MIKE: Oh boy, this should be good.

You Asked For It!!!! Now You've Got it!!!!

CROW: Wow! With all those exclamation marks, it HAS to be good!!!!!!!
TOM: How did you do that?

Are you tired of Quakin' and not getting the recognition you deserve?

TOM: Wow! Am I ever! Tell me more!

Do you kick butt and gib more people than anyone you know?

MIKE: I find it amusing that these pages pretend they know what the hell they're talking about by using Quake buzz-words like "Kick butt" and "gib".

Do you get frags out the wahzoo

CROW: Frags out the wahzoo?
MIKE: Now THERE'S something we didn't need to hear...

and wonder if all this skill you have is not appreciated?

TOM: "Momma always liked your frag count better!"

Well, Andara High Speed Internet has an answer.

ALL: 42!

Now, as everyone knows, Andara has the best Quake servers in Halifax.

TOM: Ooo...
CROW: Hehe, THAT'S something to be proud of.

So we think it's time for all you wusseys

MIKE: Wusseys?
TOM: Who's writing this? The Disney box art crew?

out there to rise to the challenge.

CROW: Who wants to make the first "rise to the challenge" joke?
MIKE: Crow!

Yes, Halifax's first Quake2 Tournament, HALIFAX QUAKE FEST 98.

CROW: Because having a HALIFAX QUAKE FEST 97 would be downright stupid at this point.

A challenge for all you Masters of Mayhem, Doctors of Death

MIKE: The Lords of Loser-dom!
TOM: The Royalty of Redundancy!

and Expert Gamers.

CROW: aka: Dorks

The tournament is scheduled to Start on Friday May 29th.

MIKE: So expect it some time next decade.

The preliminary rounds will be held starting Friday at 7:00pm

CROW: And dropped the following Monday

until approximately 9:00.

TOM: At which time, most of the competitor's mommies tell them to go to bed.

Then on Saturday

CROW: We sing! sing! sing!

the second round of preliminaries will begin at 4:00pm until approximately 6:00pm.

TOM: At which time-
MIKE:Yeah, yeah, we heard you the first time.

The final rounds for the Masters

MIKE: Deciding who gets the purple jacket

will be determined based on the response.

BOB: What does that mean?

They will be hosted at theCeilidh Connection @

MIKE: Note to page designers: Don't let your cat walk across the keyboard.
TOM: I think that's supposed to be "The Ceilidh Connection". Ceilidh being pronounced "Kay-Lee"
BOB: Danka, Dr. Dictionary.
TOM: Any time, Professor Alliteration.

1672 Barrington St.

CROW: Just North of the crack block.

Why is this you ask.?

ALL: No we don't.

Well for the finals we want a level playing field.

TOM: Of course, in the preliminaries, who cares?

Everyone on the same boxes at the same ping levels.

MIKE: In a big, smelly room, with a bunch of other geeks.

Now there is one thing,

CROW: We need your immortal soul.

we are charging a fee of $7.50 for entry.

TOM: A bargain at half the price!

Now, the reason for this is we are going to contribute the proceeds to the Abilities Foundation of Nova Scotia.

CROW: God love political correctness. Send money to the able people

So, not only do you have a chance of winning something cool,

TOM: You don't!

but the money goes to a great cause.

BOB: The "Send The SOL Crew Home" fund?
TOM: Testify!

Our First Prize is One Free Year of Andara Service,

MIKE: Or total lack thereof

Second Prize is TBA

CROW: In other words, we don't have one.

and Third Prize is a Logitech WingMan Warrior Joystick.

CROW: Useful mostly for sticking directly up-
MIKE: Crow...

Plus we will have door prizes at the Ceilidh on Saturday nite.

TOM: Including a t-shirt that says "I wasted my time on a stupid tournament, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

So come ENTER.

CROW: With such a sales pitch, how can we refuse!

If you're not afraid.

MIKE: Believe me, nothing scares us more than ads like this.

(Commercial break)

"Hey Jake!

TOM: "You suck!"

Ready for that multiplayer game yet?

BOB: I love multiplayer games. That's when those Users have nothing to blast but each other!
MIKE: Man, issues...

C'mon, try out your new modem already. I haven't really played anything for a while."

CROW: So hurry up and let me kick your butt!

"Sure, just let me finish the game I'm playing now."

MIKE: "What game?"
CROW: "Riven."

"Whatcha' playing?"

"That fighting game between all those demons and gods, you know the one."

TOM: [Jake] I'd tell you, but I'd get nailed for copyright infringement.

"O.K. Did you talk to Kevin?"

"Not really.

CROW: "He's Swedish, and I couldn't understand a word he said..."

I phoned an hour ago, but he said he was busy doing something.

MIKE: Cool, sounds like fun.

Too bad, I really want my game back by now."

TOM: "I'm suffering from Zork withdrawal..."

"Yeah, well. That guy gives me the creeps.

BOB: But I already had some, so I sent them back! *looks around* eh? eh?
CROW: Bob, go lie down over there, and don't come back until you have a vague idea what you're doing.
TOM: Second!
BOB: *sigh* I try, I really do...
MIKE: Easy, guys.

I swear,

MIKE: So does Crow.
CROW: Yeah, so do- heeeeey!

he's done some really illegal stuff on that computer of his."

TOM: Yes, ladies and gentlemen! The wonder of the century, Virtual Cocaine!

"Like you haven't?"

CROW: You dog, you.

"Hey, nothing that's serious enough to make the cops come out or anything.

CROW: Just a little booze, a little kiddie porn-
MIKE: Crow!
TOM: Virtual booze! The wonder of the century!

I just don't like him."

"Is that because of his.. uh... interest in you?"

CROW: [Kevin] I *really* like your RAM...
TOM: Uh... I hope they define the gender of this second person soon...

"Gee thanks for reminding me Jay."

CROW: You buttmunch.

"Sorry. I've gotta hang up now.

MIKE: "The police are coming to bust me for possession of virtual booze." TOM: Virtual Police! The- BOB: Stop it!

Phone you later."

MIKE: Sucker.

"See ya."

MIKE: "And stop calling collect!"

Jill hung up the phone

TOM: A-ha! Jill. There we go.

and brushed away her brown hair from her face. "Ah, privacy," she muttered,

CROW: And proceeded to dance around completely nude, in preparation for- MIKE: Crow... this is your second warning! TOM: Yeah, strike two, ya walking can opener.

listening to the quiet in her house.

MIKE: Wow... listen. It's quiet.
TOM: Oooo...
CROW: Ahhhh...
BOB: *pause* Hey! How can you listen to quiet?
CROW: *groan*
TOM: Bob, you obviously don't know the secret of good comedy
BOB: Well, could you please TELL me the secr-
TOM: Timing.
BOB: Huh?
MIKE: Ba-dum, Ching!
TOM: I've always loved that one, hehe.

Her family had gone for four days.

MIKE: Bob, don't go nuts again. Remember our little talk about different timelines?

She wasn't legally supposed to be home alone (she was 14)

CROW: But what the hell? Look what it did for that Culkin dweeb.

but her parents both were needed at some political meeting or other

MIKE: It's all politics, I tell ya...

(nothing too serious, they had assured her) and simply couldn't hire a babysitter for her.

CROW: Because they all wanted permission to give spankings?
TOM: Strrrrrrrrrrrrrike three!

Well that was fine, as far as she was concerned. Jill had the whole place to herself.

TOM: "Now let's see... what's here that I can burn?..."

And the babysitter probably would have called her "Jillian", instead of Jill. She HATED that.

MIKE: And TELLING the babysitter to call her Jill, would just take all the fun out of it.

Only her parents called her Jillian. But they were gone. Grinning, she leaned back in her chair and started up her computer.

TOM: Virtual Grinning! From the makers of virtual booze, and virtual pigs... I mean... police! Yet another wonder of the century!
BOB: Can I kill him?
CROW: Sure.

* * *

A sea.

MIKE: D sea.

Blue, purple, and green, glowing gently, a white wash of energy passing over it from time to time.

CROW: Man, this is the kinda stuff Greenpeace must have nightmares about...

A city.

TOM: A deer.
CROW: A drop of golden sun.
MIKE: A name I call myself.
BOB: A long, long way to run.

Pieces of it torn apart by a horrific war that has left the inhabitants bewildered and lost.

MIKE: Gosh, I wonder where we are...

A wall of fire.

MIKE: Oh, wow. Good, I couldn't stand the suspense.

Burning and pulsing, entrapping an army,

CROW: Yeah, we saw the movies in school, can we please get on with it?

its flames like nothing ever seen on Earth.

BOB: Except on ReBoot.

A tower.

MIKE: I sense a pattern emerging here...

Huge and red and gold, looming menacingly in the evening sky.

TOM: Yes folks, it's the Microsoft building!

A figure.

MIKE: A millionare.
CROW: And his wife.
TOM: The movie star.
BOB: The Professor and
ALL: ~/o Mary-Ann! Here in "Worlds Be-yond!!!" ~/o

Metallic blue, green and red, and not happy looking at all.

TOM: [Bill Gates] No one likes my new dress code!

* * *

"What do you mean, he's still alive?!"


An angry voice reverberated through the Tor.

TOM: Virtual Tors!
BOB: Has anyone ever told you that you sound A LOT like Mike sometimes?
MIKE: Huh?
BOB: Oh... not you.

The owner of the voice (which is a deep, intelligent sounding, and slightly English accented voice)

CROW: Which he got at a very reasonable price...

was currently debating whether to kill the two mechanical henchmen cowering in front of him right now, or use them for cannon fodder.

BOB: Who was he debating with?
TOM: Yes folks! Virtual Schizo-Megabyte! Talk to him, or sit back and let him talk to himself!
MIKE: Oh, Crow?
CROW: *stuffing Servo into a potato sack* Way ahead of you, Mike.
BOB: Good thing, too...

"Well, you see..."

"That is..."

MIKE: Uh oh, Hack and Slash dialogue incoming! Duck and cover!

"he kind of..."

"Sort of..."

"ran off..."

"no he didn't, you let him..."

"um, no I didn't..."

"what we're trying to say is..."

CROW: [Hack and Slash] Ever since we saw your big, blue, beautiful body-
BOB: Can we PLEASE leave this guy with Gypsy next time?
MIKE: I don't trust him alone with Gypsy and Cambot...
BOB: Gypsy and Who?
MIKE: Forget it. Now Crow, be good... and for heavens sake, let Servo out of that bag!
CROW: (bitter) Fine...

"Enough!!!" The two figures cowered at the sudden outburst. "Hack, Slash..." the unidentified figure said, suddenly icy calm.

TOM: (dusting himself off, and glaring at Crow) Oh, give me a break! "Unidentified"? Jeez, who could it possibly be?
MIKE: Calm down, Servo. It can only get better from here.
BOB: How many times have we heard *that*?

"You are to be sent to the front line. Go there and wait for the next time we break through."

MIKE: Little do they know that Megabyte isn't planning to attack again.
CROW: Heh, yeah, they're being sent out to rust!

The babble of voices broke out again. "But BOSS!"

TOM: "We wanna stay here, and grovel!"

"That's where all the guns the Mainframers have will fire!"

"We'll be deleted!"

"Erased maybe!"

MIKE: Or, God forbid, KILLED even!

"What do you mean maybe?"

"Well, I..."

BOB: "Am totally basic".
CROW: I know you are, but what am I?
MIKE: Crow...

"Hack! Slash!"

TOM: It Hacks, it Slashes! It's a wonder of the century!!
MIKE: Crow, hand me the sack.
TOM: (slinks back) I'll be good...

he yelled again, then again switched to that calm tone of voice that invoked sudden dread in the listener. "I meant now."

CROW: Well, a feeling of sudden dread has been invoked in me...

"Yes boss." they both chanted forlornly.

TOM: The next Benedictine Monks of Santo Dimingo De-whatsit?
MIKE: Don't be silly. Only Columbia would pick these two up.

"So long Mr. Megabyte."

"Been nice knowing 'ya..."

MIKE: "What with constantly being your punching bags, and all"

They left.

CROW: Right.
TOM: Right?
CROW: No, left.
TOM: Left?
CROW: Right.
BOB: It's gonna be a long fic...

Megabyte sighed, leaning back in his chair.

TOM: *creeeeeeeak* *crashing noise*

"Well, at least that's one problem solved." He glared at a vidwindow showing a game cube. "Now what about this one?" The "Guardian" was inside. The propaganda had been working well against the child until his sector became trapped in the Firewall.

CROW: Yeah, that sorta thing can ruin your whole day. No wonder he hates you guys, Bob! I'll bet his evil ways are just a product of years of mistreatment and scorn!
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Yes, Mike?
MIKE: Shaddup.

He still couldn't believe the boy had pulled it off.

MIKE: So much for childproof caps.

Oh well. There would be time later to deal with him.

TOM: What, he plans his schedule around killing Enzo?
CROW: You'd be surprised how many people do...

Now, he needed to wait until Hexedecimal was well enough to try opening the Firewall again. Not that the last time had gone smoothly.

MIKE: No comment.

Without leadership, binomes weren't the most capable of soldiers. They hadn't even fanned out during the last attack!

BOB: That's what happens when you put your faith in walking soccer balls and Jenga rejects...

This had been pointed out, quite effectively by the burning wreckage, to the rest of the army.

MIKE: [Megabyte] "You see this? You see this?! DON'T DO THAT!"

The same mistake would not be made twice.

CROW: Next time, they were going to make all new ones!

The gamecube flickered once on the vid-window. Megabyte watched it half-heartedly, hoping he would hear those words that would mean a certain nuisance would never bother him again...

TOM: "Sean Combs was hit by a bus today..."

"Game over." Ah well, maybe next time... "User wins."

CROW: On three. One... two... three.
ALL: [Nelson] Haa ha!

The virus sat bolt upright, staring at the game in delight. "Game over. User wins."

CROW: [Megabyte] "Cool! Maybe MY sector will get nullified next!"

The cube left with a flash of light, destroying a chunk of the city. The virus chuckled, then threw his head back and laughed,

MIKE: [Megabyte] *crack* Uh oh... I've got a crick in my neck! Hack! Slash! Come back!

wondering how the Mainframers would take the news of their second "Guardian" being lost to them.

CROW: Two words: (enunciating) Sock drawer.

* * *

"Enzo... no..." a sob escaped. "NOOOO!"

MIKE: Oh, stop it Dot, you know what happens when you cry inside a computer.
TOM: Bzzzt!

The scream was head in the Principal Office.

MIKE: Typo heckling time!
CROW: What type oh? My spill-cheque says its fine!

It reverberated through the room, much as another scream had before it,

CROW: See what happens when you get shot into the SOL, Bob? Someone else makes your girl scream.
BOB: Hey!
MIKE: (weary) Crow, pretend I just yelled at you. I really haven't got the time.
TOM: Or the blood-pressure.

when another friend had been lost to them. This time it had been more than a friend.

TOM: It was a friend that owed her money.

It had been a brother.

MIKE: [Dot] Ohh! No! I'll never see my brother again!... hmm...


TOM: With the whining you're doing now, no argument here!
BOB: Hey!
TOM: Bob and Doooo-oot sittin' in a tree...

No one said anything. They couldn't.

CROW: They were all aspiring mimes.

There was nothing to say.

TOM: The end. Come on, we're outta here.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Dot Matrix slumped back in her chair and cried.

MIKE: (rubbing his ear) Apparently there was something to *scream*... though...

* * *

"Yes! I won!" Jake said, a huge grin on his face.

BOB: (gasping) You... you BUTCHER!! How can you *muffled by potato sack*
Where did you get that, anyway?

"Finally! I've always wanted to beat this game! And I got my name in the top ten list too!" Jake reached over to phone up Jill.

MIKE: *snicker* Jake and Jill?
CROW: Went up the hill, to fetch Jake's pants, which he'd left there the previous evening.
MIKE: Crow... please.
BOB: *muffled*

* * *

"What's happening out there now?" a voice asked.

TOM: I'm hoping there's a person attached to this voice.


MIKE: "Uh... oh no, I'm hearing voices again."

said the nervous guard while the doctor checked on the containment unit in the background. "Well, Ms. Decimal, the boy Guardian lost the game. He was...

TOM: Eliminated from the men's singles competition?


CROW: Just as bad.

"Enzo?" A grief-stricken mask popped onto her face. "Oh, how very sad. I always liked him. And his dear little friend, the game sprite, what was her name again?"

TOM: Fish-lady.

"AndrAIa, Ms. Decimal." the guard replied.

CROW: But you can call her Fish-lady if you like. She won't mind, being nullified, and all.

"Too bad."

TOM: [Hex] I felt like chicken, tonight...
CROW: "Enzo Parmesan" would've been perfect.

she shook her head, then her happy face appeared. "But this means we can get this whole silly conquest thing my brother seems so bent on over more quickly! That's good news at least."

MIKE: Yes! Good news! Being your brother's slave is a good thing! Ha ha, right Hexy! Seek mental help!

She then simply stared off into space.

MIKE: [Hex] Look, it's still there...

The zero binome slid up to the doctor. "Hey," he whispered furiously, "Are you done yet?"

TOM: "I haven't used the can all day! Hurry up!"

"Just let me check her energy levels one last time..."

CROW: Oh, cool. Just pinch her mask and toes. Kinda like one of those Duracell doo-hickeys.

"Well, hurry!"

"Ach, fine! There, I'm done." he said, tapping a few buttons. "Let's get out of here!"

TOM: "We've got 12 seconds before the bomb I set goes off!"

The two binomes quickly left. Hexadecimal sighed. "Such rude guests." She said sadly, shaking her head. "Honestly, no one has any manners anymore. Too bad. Perhaps I'll teach them some when I get out..."

MIKE: Eep... Hex writes a book on good manners.
CROW: "Be Friendly. Or I'll blow you to Frisket kibble." The bestseller by Hexadecimal.
TOM: And the sequal: "Buy This Book. Or your ASCII is toast."
CROW: Also a bestseller...
MIKE: Natch.

she started humming a tune to pass the time.

MIKE: *hums the MRT4K theme song*
TOM: *hums Hakuna Matata*
CROW: *hums Bitch*
BOB: *muffled*
MIKE: Oh, that's enough. Let him out.
TOM: Hey, I think we're done for now!
MIKE: Last one out reads all four parts! (Mad scramble for the exit)

@.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..

(The SOL fic-goers crash out of the doors in a heap of limbs and various other parts)

CROW: Wow, this sucks. Getoffa me!

MIKE: Ow! I will, Crow, just stop biting my hand!

CROW: What are you talking about?

BOB: (mouth full) Sowwy Mike. *ptooie*

MIKE: Oh... yuck.

(long pause)

BOB: Okay, would whoever's on top PLEASE get off?

MIKE: Not me.

CROW: I thought that was you, Bob...

MIKE: (pause) Hey... where's Servo?

CROW: Last I saw, Big Blue was falling on him...

BOB: Uh oh...

TOM: (muffled, from under Bob) Guys? Are you there? It's... all going dark...

MIKE: Servo! We hear you! Hang on, we'll get you out!

TOM: No... too late for that... Fading fast...

CROW: No! Servo! Don't leave us!

TOM: Maybe... better this way... My life... so filled with horror... Perhaps I shall find... peace... now...

BOB: The horrible fics have gotten to him! Servo, I'm sorry, I'm trying to get up!

TOM: One... last thing... Crow?

CROW: (teary-eyed) Y...yes Servo?

TOM: I... I love you, Crow...

CROW: (bawls) I LOVE YOU TOO, TOM!!!.............................. Can I have your room?


MIKE: Servo?!

BOB: Servo! No!

MIKE: (turns as best he can to face Bob. Appalled face) Oh my GOD! You killed Servo!


(smoke rises from the pile-up)

TOM: No... I refuse to let a South Park reference be the last thing I hear! I refuse to give up in the middle of some pussycat's cheesy story! LET... ME... OUT!!

(Servo's bubble dome pops out from under Bob. Triumphant fanfare plays)

TOM: *DEEP breath*

MIKE: Alright, Servo!

BOB: (whispered, to Mike) I thought robots didn't need air.

MIKE: Shhh, let him have his moment...

CROW: Don't you EVER get our hopes up like that again!

TOM: Shut up Crow! I hate you! Now, would you guys get off?

BOB: Uh... That might be a problem.

MIKE: You see, we're kinda stuck.

TOM: What?!

CROW: Hey, Bob, right foot green!

BOB: Shut up! What are we gonna do?


MIKE: (whiney) Gyyyyyyyyyypsy?

CROW: Oh no you don't! I refuse to let that walking miner's cap see us like this!

MIKE: And I refuse to ROLL back in there to watch the rest of the fic!

BOB: Touché...

(hex-field suddenly opens in front of them. Pearl, Megabyte, Brain Guy, and Bobo are all taken aback by the sight before them)

PEARL: Oh... uh... sorry Mike. I can see you're otherwise... occupied. I'll call back later.

MIKE: No! Wait!

MEGABYTE: *smirks*

BOB: This isn't what it looks like!

(hex-field closes)

TOM: Oh, perfect! Could this possibly get any worse?

GYPSY: (from behind the pile-up) Well, well, well! What have we here?

CROW: (whispering) Yes it can, Servo. Any other stupid questions?

GYPSY: How many times have I told you boys "No horseplay in the theater"? Now just look at you!

MIKE: *sigh* Here we go...

GYPSY: Tangled up like a big old pretzel, you are! You just never learn, do you? Now I suppose you want ME to untangle this little knot of yours, don't you?

MIKE: Gypsy, will you just get us out of this?!

(rustling is heard)

TOM: Hey!! Watch where you're biting!

GYPSY: (mouth full of Tom's hover-skirt) Oh! The things I do for you ingrates!

(Loud POP! is heard, as Tom is pulled out of the pile. A chain reaction is started, and the other three plop onto the floor, untangled)

BOB: Whew, that was-

(Lights flash)

MIKE, TOM & CROW: We got movie sign!!!

GYPSY: (calling after them:) Well! Don't all go thanking me at once!!

6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. @..
Click Here To Enter the Theater...