Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak #1

February 20, 2000

[Camera view of the great big ol' theater where "Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak" is premiering. Wally Gator runs in, babbling semi-coherently about "gotta get to the show." Cut to a dressing room in which Brak and Zorak are talking.]

Brak:

Oh, man! Zorak, I'm so excited! This show's gonna be the most special special ever in the history of specials, 'n you know why?

Zorak:

Because you're not in it.

Brak:

No, because I AM in it! I'm the star! Which means I get all the attention! Not me, YOU! Y'GOT THAT?

Zorak:

Yeah, I got it.

Brak:

Okay then.

[Onstage]

Wally:

Are we ready? Oh, good. [music begins.] It's time for "Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak!" Joining Brak tonight are Brak, Monica, Freddie Prinze Jr., and The Chieftains! I'm your announcer, Wally Gator!

[The curtains open, revealing Brak standing center stage]

Wally:

And now here's the star of our show, the toast of outer space-

Brak:

Hello, my name is Braaaaa-

[With an explosion, a "ZORAK" sign lights up behind Brak. Zorak, wearing an outfit too retro-funky to be described, moonwalks out to some once-groovy '70s music.]

Zorak:

Daddy's home!

Brak:

Those're my hotpants!

Zorak:

Y'sure? They fit me perfectly!

Wally:

Look at that mantis percolate!

Brak:

Don't you encourage him, Wally! Outta my way, hotpants!

Zorak:

Yowza!

[The sign lights go down and the music stops goes off. Zorak continues dancing.]

Zorak:

Ow, uh-uh, ba-da-ba-da, uh-uh...

Brak:

[Holding two extension cord ends] Zorak, you promised you wouldn't try to take over my show but you're doin' it anyway! Why did you lie to me?!

Zorak:

'Cause I'm a liar?

Brak:

Exactly! That's why I'm gonna use this magic plug to cover you with batter, fry you in vegetable oil and sprinkle you with powdered sugar and let you cool for fifteen minutes like a cake doughnut!

Zorak:

What?

[Brak plugs the cord ends together, electrifying Zorak so we see his endoskeleton. Zorak shrieks, then explodes. When the smoke clears, the ZORAK sign has magically become BRAK, and Zorak is crispy.]

Brak:

Now go fix yer face. We got a show to do!

Zorak:

Ehhh... I'll be in my trailer. [leaves the stage]

Brak:

I'm Brak and this is my show. Let's start it off with the Braktonics-

[cut to a shot of the band, which plays a few bars]

Brak:

And the Brakettes!

Brakettes:

Stomp your hands, clap your feet,
Brak's layin' down that tiger beat.

Brak:

I know this song is a really cool song, hey!
A song I just can't wait to sing, hey!
I'm not sure if it's a song, hey!
But I'm singin' it now, so maybe it is, hey!
Here's a part with a lotta drums, hey!

[drum solo]

Brak:

And some saxophone!

[The sax player ad-libs]

Brak:

And Wally Gator!

Wally:

Wait a minute, oh-ho-ho-ho, oh-ho, ah, hiya.

Brak:

Here's a part I just made up.
Old MacDonald had a farm, an' somethin' on a farm!

Zorak:

This isn't a song, you idiot, hey!

Brak:

Then why you singin' it, Zorak, huh?

Zorak:

I just can't control myself, hey!

Brak:

Maybe it's 'cause it's a really cool song, hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!

Both:

Garbanzo!

[Song ends. Audience applauds.]

Wally:

Bravo, bravo! Splendid! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, that was great. Now you guys are great, ha-ha-ha. And now, it's the lovely and talented Brak, with Monica. Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...

[Curtain opens, revealing Brak and Monica on a stage remniscient of "Sonny & Cher".]

Brak:

Monica, I can't believe you're really here.

Monica:

Well, Brak, I can't believe I'm here either.

Brak:

Oh my darling, let's not fight these feelings we have for each other. Can't you see it's bigger than the both of us?

Monica:

Should we just sing?

Brak:

Oh, yeah, sure.

Monica:

Ohhh, yeah...

Brak:

I love ya, baby,

Monica:

I love the way that you walk.

Brak:

I love ya, baby,

Monica:

I love the way that you talk.

Brak:

I really like it when ya call my name.

Monica:

Hey, Brakky wakky.

Brak:

Oh-ho-ho-ho boy.
I like your uncle,

Monica:

And I like your aunt Louise.

Brak:

I like your doggie,

Monica:

Hey, you even like its fleas.

Brak:

I really like it when you tickle me-

[Monica tickles Brak in slow motion.]

Brak:

-hee-hee-hee-hee! Oh man! Oh, stop it! Ah!

Monica-

Monica:

Yes.

Brak:

-everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine.

Monica:

Oh, really?

Brak:

Yes. That's why I wanna let you know that I took your puppet.

[Brak is playing with a hand puppet.]

Monica:

Brak, the toy is mine,

Brak:

But, I'se just gonna...

Monica:

I want it back.

Brak:

But, I-

Monica:

The puppet with the hat,
Give it back,

Brak:

Monica, I thought that-

Monica:

Give it back.

Brak:

All right! Here's your stupid puppet. Gee, I'm sorry, I've just playin' with ya.

Monica:

Oh, Brak.

Both:

I love ya, baby, I love the way that you walk.
I love ya, baby, I love the way that you talk.

Monica:

Brak, I really like it when you call my name.

Brak:

MonicaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Monica:

[uncovering her ears] What?

Brak:

I love ya, baby.

Offstage voices:

Oooh!

[Monica kisses Brak, who falls over onto the stage. Applause.]

Wally:

Monica, ladies and gentlemen! Isn't she sweet? Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And now, it's the hardest working man in shoe business, and a heckuva guy to boot, Franz Shoebert!

Shoebert:

Sing ho for the life of a shoe,
Three cheers for podiatry,
My sole may peel but I'm no heel,
That's my philosophy!
Sing hey! Bob and Gray,
If I should trip and fall,
I'll tie my lace with a shine on my face,
And race to the shopping mall!
Sing ho-

Brakettes:

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Shoebert:

For the life-

Brakettes:

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Shoebert:

Of a shoe!

[applause]

Wally:

Bravo, bravo, splendid! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Now here's a true story that Brak made up about the day he went to the dentist.

[Brak is in a dentist's chair, grasping the armrests tightly.]

Brak:

Many frightened people like me are afraid of the dentist. But not me! There's nothin' to be afraid of - unless your dentist is-

{Zorak zips into frame, wearing a white coat and gloves.]

Zorak:

[echoing voice] Doctor shriek!

[scream from offstage]

Zorak:

Another satisfied customer! [rimshot] Hey!

Brak:

Are you Dr. Shriek?

Zorak:

Are you a cop?

Brak:

No.

Zorak:

Then yes! [echoing voice] I am Doctor Shriek!

[scream from offstage]

Zorak:

They're playin' my song! [rimshot] Okay, let's take a look at that broken arm!

Brak:

I don't have a broken arm!

Zorak:

Ya want one? [rimshot]

Brak:

No thank you.

Zorak:

Now, you understand there will be some-

Brak:

Ooooh!

Zorak:

-discomfort.

Brak:

Oh no, no, no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh...

Zorak:

Don't worry, kid, I'm a professional.

Brak:

Professional what?

Zorak:

Bowler [rimshot with a bowling-pin sound] You're too kind.

Brak:

Doctor, can you give me something for the pain?

Zorak:

Certainly!

[Zorak whacks Brak with a huge mallet.]

Brak:

Ouch!

Zorak:

'Dja feel that?

Brak:

Yes.

[Zorak whacks Brak again.]

Brak:

I didn't feel that one.

Zorak:

Good! We're ready! Let's do some drillin'!

[dramatic musical sting as Zorak pulls a lever and a HUGE spinning drill starts down toward Brak's face]

Brak:

Man, that's a big drill! And it's gettin' bigger! Oh, I wish I was somewhere else! Magic Toenail, please help me!

[Brak disappears from the dentist's chair just as he is about to be perforated, then appears in a peaceful, idyllic landscape.]

Brak:

And just like that, I'm somewhere else! Thank you, Magic Toenail! I salute you!

[harp music begins]

Brak:

I have a magic toenail, I keep it on my foot.
It's always there to rescue me when something goes kaput.
It has the cutest cuticle free of all disease.
As toenails go it's really quite extraordinary.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Magic Toenail.

[Brak is lying on his back in a field of flowers.]

Brak:

I love my magic toenail. It's magical and good. Sometimes I'll take my magic toenail to lunch and give it a sandwich because it likes to eat the sandwich.

[Zorak realizes that he is on camera, and slinks offstage.]

Brak:

Thank you, thank you, thank you Magic Toenail.
[choking up]  I love you, Magic Toenail.
Ah, this place is so beautiful. There's even a babblin' brook!

Brook:

Boy, it's great bein' a brook, I travel, meet lots of nice fish, I don't have any natural enemies except for the beavers, and [continues chattering as Brak speaks]

Brak:

Hey, this is the best day ever! SHUDDUP!

Brook:

Uh, sorry.

Brak:

The only way this day could be any better is if I was in a recording studio with the Chieftains!

[Brak disappears]

Brook:

Hey, where you going? I said I'm sorry...

[Brak appears in a recording studio with The Chieftains.]

Brak:

Just like that I'm in the recording studio with The Chieftains! Hey, Chieftains!

Chieftains:

Hey, Brak!

Brak:

Ready to do a song, Chieftains?

Chieftains:

Ready when you are, Brak!

Brak:

I'se born ready, Chieftains! Let's rock!

Chieftain:

One, two, three, four-

[The Chieftains begin playing]

Brak:

Chieftains!

Chieftain:

I'll tell me ma when I go home,
The boys won't leave the girls alone.

Brak:

They'll pull my hair and they stole my comb,
But that's all right, 'till I go home.

All:

She is handsome, she is pretty.
She is the belle of Belfast City.
She is courtin' one, two, three,
Please won't you tell me who is she!

Brak:

Albert Mooney says he loves her,
All the boys are fighting for her.

Chieftain:

They knock on the door, they ring the bell,
Sayin' "Oh my true love, are you well?"

Brak:

Out she comes as white as snow,
Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes.

Chieftain:

Ol' Jenny Murray says she will die
If she doesn't get the fella with the roving eye.

[Instrumental, during which Brak dances around and headbangs a bodhrán.]

Chieftains:

Let the wind and the rain and the hail go high,
And the snow comes tumbling from the sky.

Brak:

She's as nice as apple pie,
She'll get her own lad by and by.

Chieftains:

When she gets a lad of her own,
She won't tell her ma when she gets home

Brak:

Let them all come as they will,
For it's Albert Mooney she loves still.

All:

I'll tell me mum when I go home,
The boys won't leave the girls alone.
They'll pull my hair and they stole my comb,
But that's all right 'till I go home.

[Brak starts singing in a shrieky falsetto. Some of the Chieftains look on disapprovingly.]

All:

She is handsome, she is pretty.
She is the belle of Belfast City.
She is courtin' one, two, three.
Please won't you tell me who is she!

Brak:

Well, I guess I better get back to my show now. So long, Chieftains!

Chieftains:

So long, Brak!

[Wipe to the stage]

Wally:

-so I says to the guy, is this pie complimentary? You mean I can have it for nothin'? And he says, "Yes!" And that just blew me away! Yes, it blew me away!

Zorak:

[center stage] Hey! Get off the stage!

Wally:

Oooh! Just trying to make a good joke!

Zorak:

Then get off the stage!

Wally:

[sobbing as he walks off] Nobody appreciates Wally.

[Reflective piano music starts to play.]

Zorak:

Y'know, every now and then a fan'll send me a present, like a cow or a blender. Or a box of chocolates, y'know the kind with the soft gooey centers. And it really honks me off! 'Cause I hate soft gooey centers. When it comes to candy, y'know what I like.

[The stage explodes, revealing the band, and Zorak dressed in a top hat and long hair, playing a guitar.]

Zorak:

Rock candy! Break a tooth on!
Rock candy! Jawbreaker!
Rock candy! Gimme cavities!
Rock candy! I like cavities!
Take candy from a baby!
Don't take it from a stranger!
I'm Zorak! I'm a stranger!
Gimme lemon drops and peppermint!
Rock candy! Rock candy! Rock candy!
Rock candy rock candy rock candy rock candy rock candy rock candy rock candy

[Zorak explodes]

Wally:

Hey, the show's not over, if that's what ya think. Ah-ha-ha-ha, ya silly. We're coming right back with special guest Freddie Prinze Junior!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Wally:

As promised... WE'RE BACK!

[Onstage]

Wally:

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, but seriously, here's Brak to unfurl a fearsome flood of fanciful phrases.

Brak:

To quote Wally exactly, here's some stuff that I like.
I like hubcaps, I like laundry,
I like waffles, I like ant farms,
I like recess, picnics, and eatin' pork 'n beans!
I like tinfoil and bow ties,
I like cardboard and moon pies,
When I'm soakin' in the bathtub, I like shootin' submarines!
Shootin' submarines.
I like Goofy, I like Droopy,
I like Charles Nelson Reilly,
I like Hee-Haw, Fat Albert, 'n I also like corn.
I like cornflakes, corn dogs,
I like cornbread and cornstarch.
I like the band Korn and popcorn, I like all kindsa corn.
All kindsa corn!

Brakettes:

He likes this 'n he likes that,
'N he likes that 'n he likes this.

Brak:

Oogidy boogidy, life is sweet!
Oogidy boogidy, tell 'em, girls!

Brakettes:

When Brak has troubles he likes to think of
Just how lucky he is

Brak:

Because of all the things that I like.

[Fuzzy bashes the keyboard]

Brak:

What was that?

Fuzzy:

My bad.

Brak:

I like egg rolls and crab rolls,
Crab legs but not frog legs,
I like duck sauce with duct tape,
And stompin' on the bed.
I like Popeye and Pipeye,
Pupeye, Poopeye, Peepeye,
Olive Oyl and Bluto, 'n fallin' on my head.
Fallin' on my head.
I like dough and basketti
'N bigfoot 'n yeti,
I like Veronica 'n Betty,
Don't call me Jughead.
I like gumballs and rum balls,
I like cheese balls and cheesecake,
I like pineapple upside down cake. Why's it upside down?
Why's it upside down?!

Brakettes:

He likes this 'n he likes that,
'N he likes that 'n he likes this.

Brak:

Oogidy boogidy, joie de vivre!
Oogidy boogidy, tell 'em, Franz!

Shoebert:

When Brak has troubles he likes to think of
Just how lucky he is

Brak:

Because of all the things that I... like.

[Applause. The curtains close. Wipe to-]

Announcer:

It's time for Brak Counter Brak, a discussion of topical issues in a tropical setting. Tonight's topic is-

Brak: [Sliding back and forth at the desk so he can argue with himself]

That is absolutely incorrect!
We haven't started yet.
Oh, so you wanna start somethin'?
What're you talkin' about?
'Cause if you start it, I'll tell ya what, I'll finish it!
Are you sure you can finish it? Maybe I can box that up for ya.
Good idea! Then we can have it later.
With our toast!
What toast? You know I don't like toast!
Ohhh, I think you'll like this toast. It's free!
Free, you say?
And it's toast!
Wow! Will you throw in the jelly?
I thought you'd never ask! [echoing voice] Throw in the jelly!

[Zorak rides a huge jelly jar which is plummeting downwards in a shot straight out of "Doctor Strangelove."]

Zorak:

YEEEEEEHAAAAAA!

[The jar smashes down like a bomb. Everyone is embedded in jelly, which is muffling Brak's cries. Oh, the humanity.]

Wally:

And now here's that lovable ragamffin, Freddie Prinze Junior, on the road with our own Mad Max of comedy, BRAK!

[Freddie Prinze, Jr. is on the side of a road, hitchhiking. A small UFO-like car speeds by. Then a little tiny truck, driven by Brak, stops in front of him.]

Brak:

[beeping his horn] Hey! Hey, Freddie! Freddie Prinze Junior, I'm down here! Hey, Freddie! Inna truck! Freddie! It's me, Brak. You wanna ride?

Freddie:

[bending down and looking through the tiny truck window] How far you goin'?

Brak:

Carport City. Hop in!

Freddie:

Y'sure you got room in there?

Brak:

Yeah, lemme just move my cardboard here.

[Brak and Freddie are now in the cab]

Brak:

Freddie, y'know, since we're drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup truck, I think we should sing a song called "I'm Drivin' Down the Highway 40 in My Big Ol' Pickup Truck." Whaddaya think about that?

Freddie:

[sighs] Wow.

Brak:

Yeah, that's what I thought. [music starts] Why don't'cha start out singin' the word "truck," okay?

Freddie:

Okay.

Brak:

I'm drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup

Freddie:

truck.

Brak:

Now sing "40."

I'm drivin' down the highway

Freddie:

40

Brak:

in my big ol' pickup

Freddie:

truck.

Brak:

Now "old."

I'm drivin' down the highway

Freddie:

40

Brak:

in my big

Freddie:

old

Brak:

pickup

Freddie:

truck.

Brak:

Now everything!

Both:

I'm drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup truck!

Brak:

Let's sing like girls!

Both:

[in shrieky falsettos] I'm drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup truck!

Brak:

Now like fishies!

Both:

[bobbling their lips with their fingers] I'm drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup truck!

Brak:

Like monsters!

[Both roar the line, sorta]

Brak:

Piggies!

[Both snort along with the tune]

Brak:

Like Tom Brokaw!

Freddie:

What?

Both:

[Imitating Tom Brokaw] I'm driving down the highway 40 in my big old pickup truck. Katie?

Brak:

Freeze!

[Both are silent for several beats. Freddie draws in a breath to sing.]

Freddie:

I-

Brak:

Wait for it.

[Pause several more beats.]

Brak:

Big finish!

Both:

I'm drivin' down the highway 40 in my big ol' pickup truuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!

Brak:

Oh, man!

[The truck drives away, with Brak snorting like a piggie.]

[Title card for "El Brakiachi" appears.]

Brakettes:

[singing to the tune of "La Cucaracha"] El Brakiachi, El Brakiachi,

Guitarist:

Da da da da da.

Brakettes:

He roams the desert with his tuba,

Guitarist:

El Brakiachi is his name.

[We see Brak in Mexican costume, carrying a Sousaphone]

Brak:

I'm El Brakiachi, the famous mariachi, searching for marching bands in need of my amazing tuba.

[Applause. Zorak zips into frame. He is also wearing Mexican gear and a moustache, and has a tuba strapped to his back.]

Zorak:

And I am El Crenito, the speedy bandito!

Audience member:

Boooo!

Zorak:

Shaddap, you!

Audience member:

Yeah, whatever.

Zorak:

[beak to mask with Brak] This is my town. And our marching band is not big enough for the tuba of us!

Brak:

What did you say?

Zorak:

I said tuba of us.

[Bullet ricochet sound. The sombrero goes flying off the guitarist.]

Brak:

Them's strong words, hombre. But I let my tuba do the talkin' for me. [through the tuba] Hello, Mr. Bandito! I'm Brakiachi's tuba! Oop-pah-pah Oop-pah-pah, can I play you a song?

Zorak:

Ah, sure. How about "Do you know the way to San Jose"-

[Brak lets fly with a might blast - on his sousaphone - knocking Zorak away.]

Zorak:

Yeowwowowowow!

Brakettes:

[singing] El Brakiachi, El Brakiachi,

Zorak:

[as he goes flying past the Arc de Triomphe] Yeow!

Guitarist:

Now his story has been told.

Zorak:

[as he goes flying past the White House] Whoo!

Brakettes:

El Brakiachi, El Brakiachi,

Zorak:

[as he goes flying past the Leaning Tower of Pisa] Aaaaghawowow!

Brak:

That is my name, don't wear it out. Cha-cha-cha!

[onstage]

Wally:

Brak is just full of malarkey tonight, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Someone take that malarkey away from Brak!

Brak:

[offstage] Wally!

Wally:

It's crazy man time-

Brak:

[offstage] Wally!

Wally:

-of course, heh. Here's Brak.

[Brak is onstage in front of a mockup of a beef log cart.]

Brak:

Beef log, beef log, what a treat,
A hefty hunk of processed meat.
Dipped in mustard, oh what joy!
I'm a jolly beef log boy!
Hot and spicy, mild or plain,
I even eat the cellophane,
I must share some with my dog
'Cause we both love beef log. Ah boy!

[The beef log "mascot" dances. Then Zorak appears, standing in front of a mockup cheese log cart.]

Zorak:

Brak, I beg to disagree,
Cheese log is the log for me.
As a meal or as a snack
It's my favorite saturated fat.

[The cheese log "mascot" dances.]

Zorak:

Cheese log, cheese log
Cylindrical and yellow.
Cut the cheese log
And I'm a happy fellow!

Brak: Beef log, beef log, what a treat, A hefty hunk of processed meat. Dipped in mustard, oh what joy! I'm a jolly beef log boy! Beef log!

Zorak: Cheese log, cheese log, Cylindrical and yellow. Cut the cheese log And I'm a happy fellow! Cheese log!

[And the audience goes wild.]

Brak:

Well, that's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank all our guests, but I don't have time. We're goin' to Ohio!
[singing] Tell my uncle, tell my aunt,
I got my teeth in nice and straight.
Chicken nuggets in my pants,
I'm on my way to the muskrat state!

[Zorak tugs on a rope. A state-shaped "oHIo" sign falls into frame, and Zorak flies upward.]

Brak & Brakettes:

Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

Brak:

Round on the end, high in the middle,

Brak & Brakettes:

Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

Brak:

Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

Brakettes:

Oh how hi-i-o.

Wally:

Left my home in Timbukthree
With my banjo on my knee.

Zorak:

[in drag] Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee.

Brak:

On your way to O-hi-o.

Brak & Brakettes:

Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

Brak:

Round on the end, high in the middle,
Here's a riddle, what's round on the end and hiiiigh in the middle?

Zorak:

Oh, yeah, it's, um, Switzerland?

Brak:

No! It's Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

All:

Oh how hi-i-o.

[Zorak is on Brak's shoulders]

Zorak:

Up in Cincinat-i-a there's a gal named Clarabelle.
If she knew I'se on my way I'm pretty sure she'd run like-

Brak:

HELLO, Cleveland!

[applause]

Brak:

Hello, Toledo!
Hello, Columbus!

Christopher Columbus:

Bon giorno, Brak-a!

Brak & Brakettes:

Oh-hi-oh-hi-o!

Brak:

Round on the end, high in the middle,
Here's a riddle, what's round on the end and hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh in the middle?

Zorak:

Oh, I know this, it's-

Brak:

NO! It's Oh-hi-oh-hi-o! Stupid! Stupid dummy!

Zorak:

That does it. I quit.

Brak:

Too late, show's over. G'night, ev'rybody!
[as the credits roll] Ah ha ha ha ha ha, aah ha ha! Ahh ha ha ha! Oh, man! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah, I said good night ev'rybody, ahh ha ha ha ha! Oh, wait! G'night ev-aaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, ha! Ah! And then Zorak said I quit 'n I said no the show's over g'night ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha! Ahh! No, really, good night.

[Roll credits:]