Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak #2

March 16, 2000

[Camera view of the great big ol' theater where "Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak" is premiering. Wally Gator runs in, babbling "Wait, wait, wait."]

[Onstage]

Wally:

It's time for "Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak!" Joining Brak tonight are Brak, Diamond Dallas Page, and Jo Dee Messina! I'm your announcer, Wally Gator! And now, here he is, that interstellar funny feller, Heeeeeeeeere's Brak!

[The curtains open, revealing Brak standing center stage]

Brak:

One day I went to the store, I went to the store one day.

Mom said "Brak, go to the store" and I was on my way.

Brakettes:

On your way to the store, what a good boy you are!

Brak:

Now I'm walkin' down the street when a voice says in my head,
"Hey, Brak, don't go to the store, go to the park instead."

Brakettes:

To the park instead is what it said,
The voice in his head, like Drop Dead Fred,

Said go to the park instead, go to the park instead!

Brak:

So I say to the voice inside my head, "What's the deal with you?
Why d'you wanna get me in trouble? Where's my other shoe?
Where's my other shoe?"

Brakettes:

Forget your other shoe, you need to get to the store!

Brak:

So off I go to the park, where I'm chased by a gang o' girls.
Just when I think I'm safe 'n sound I'm attacked by a pack o' squirrels!
Break it down! Comin' up! Stupid squirrels! Get off me!
Break it down! Comin' up! What time is it? Where am I?

Brakettes:

Oh-ohhhhhh,

Brak:

Well, I finally got to the store, but of course the store was closed.
When I got home I got in trouble and that's the way it goes.

Brakettes:

That's the way it goes when Brak goes to the store!

Brak:

That's it.

[Song ends. Audience applauds.]

Wally:

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The next song begins.]

Brakettes:

Chili today, hot tamale,
Chili today, hot tamale,

[Zorak transports in ala Star Trek]
Brakettes:

Chili today, hot tamale.

[Fuzzy plays the "charge" on his keyboard.]

Brak:

My Mom say

Zorak:

Well, nobody asked her.

Brak:

Frogs in pants!

Zorak:

And cheese steak disaster!

Brak:

Rained so hard

Zorak:

Stepped in a poodle!

Brak:

Fifty lashes with a wet noodle.

Zorak:

Noodles are cruel! Rrh.

Brak & Brakettes:

Chili today, hot tamale,
Chili today, hot tamale,
Chili today, hot tamale.

[Fuzzy plays a few notes "of Old MacDonald" on his keyboard.]

Brak:

Rock that boat!

Zorak:

But don't rock the harbor.

Brak:

Shave that goat!

Zorak:

But don't shave the barber.

Brak:

Don't go make

Zorak:

Moles into mountains.

Brak:

Number's up but nobody's countin'.

Zorak:

Ein, zvei, drei! Oh, me!

[Zorak scats untranscribably.In front of Zorak appear the words "ZORAK Sorry girls, he's married." Soon, Brak joins in, equally untranscribably. ]

Brak & Brakettes:

Take that dress

Brak:

Offa your dolly.

Brak & Brakettes:

Put it on

Brak:

My hot tamale.

Brak & Brakettes:

Now you've got

Brak:

Dolly tamale.

[Fuzzy plays a few notes of "Tequila" on his keyboard.]

Brak & Zorak:

Chili today, hot tamale,
Chili today, hot tamale,
Chili today, hot tamale,

Fu Manchu!

[Song ends. Audience applauds. Goofy musical sting, just for good measure.]

[A letterboxed screen, on which we see a starry sky, appears. "Star Wars"-like music plays.  The title - "The Umpire Strikes Brak" - starts coming in sideways, and then tries to turn itself around, crashing into the sides like a clumsy parallel park job. As it does, the music stops, rewinds, and and starts. Eventually it sorts itself out and fades into the distance. Then we see a baseball umpire hitting Brak, who is wearing a baseball uniform. Brak makes little "Oof" noises with each blow.]

Umpire:

It was a strike! It was a strike! It was a strike! It was a strike! It was a strike! Who are ya callin' blind?!

[On the starry screen: Coming Soon to a Theater in a Galaxy Pretty Far Away]

[Onstage]

Wally:

And now, through the magic of television, we bring you Brak and Jo Dee Messina on Easter Island.

Brak:

Wow, really? Boy, that's sure gonna be great, me an' Jo Dee Messina on - OH NO!

[Brak runs through stock footage from various parts of the world]

Brak:

-Huffin' an' puffin,' huffin' an' puffin,' ah, ah, gotta get there, ah boy, I never run so fast in my life-

[Brak skids to a stop by Jo Dee Messina in front of some Easter Island heads.

Brak:

Jo Dee, you know we've been to a lotta islands together. We've been to Christmas Island, Labor Day Island,

Jo Dee:

Columbus Day Island, and Secretaries' Day Island.

Brak:

Yeah, but I think Easter Island's my favorite. Y'know why?

Jo Dee:

Why's that, Brak?

Brak:

'Cause kids eat free! 'N they get this little kiddie menu, and then they do dot-to-dot 'n you know what it is? It's a bear!

Jo Dee:

[laughs] Brak, we have so much fun together!

Brak:

Even though we're as different as Mary Kate and Ashley!

[Music starts. Jo Dee and Brak whistle and dance side by side.]

Jo Dee:

I'm not like you,

Brak:

And you're not like me. Hee hee!

Jo Dee:

We're about as different

Brak:

I know! As different can be.

Jo Dee:

We don't look the same.

Brak:

We don't act the same.

Jo Dee:

We're from different species

Brak:

With different names.

Jo Dee:

You're from outer space.

Brak:

You're from somewhere else.

Jo Dee:

You wear a uniform.

Brak:

And it really smells!

Both:

We're buds, we're buds, through thick or thin,
Side by side

Brak:

Like bowlin' pins!

Jo Dee:

They say that opposites attract.

Brak:

That's right,

Jo Dee:

It's a fact,

Brak:

Oh yeah,

Both:

We're buds!

[The Easter Island statues whistle the bridge.]

Brak:

Sing it, baby!

Jo Dee:

Though you're not like me,

Brak:

I toldja, I know!
And I'm not like you. I toldja.

Jo Dee:

Brak, we must have something in common.

Brak:

Sure! Well, um, no - I don't believe we do.

Jo Dee:

You're so brash and bold.

Brak:

You're so cool and calm.

Jo Dee:

I own a big old house,

Brak:

I live with my Mom!

Jo Dee:

I'm extremely smart.

Brak:

I'm extremely not.

Jo Dee:

I like vichyssoise!

Brak:

I like tater tots!

Jo Dee:

You got great big fangs!

Brak:

They came with my head!

Jo Dee:

Don't know how or why,

Brak:

But it's like we said!

Both:

We're buds, we're buds, through high and low,

Brak:

Like Fred and Ricky on the Lucy Show!

Jo Dee:

They say that opposites attract.

Brak:

You got that right, sister!

Jo Dee:

And it must be true, hey, look at me and Brak!

Both:

It's a fact,

Brak:

Oh yeah,

Both:

We're buds!

[The Easter Island statues whistle and sway.]

Brak:

I harmonized there and it was pretty.

Both:

We're buds!
We're buds!

[Jo Dee Messina giggles]

Brak:

Bye, Jo Dee!

[Brak zips away fast enough to leave a redshift. He runs back through the stock footage to the theater.]

Brak:

I'm runnin'! I'm runnin' I gotta get back to the show! Oh man! Huffin' an' puffin'! Oh boy! I never run so fast in my life!

[Brak skits to a stop in a set that looks like a representation of a "You Are Here" mark.]

Brak:

This song comes from the heart of my bottom. Heh heh heh heh.
I'm forgettable, that's what I am.
So forgettable, something something... ham-ah.
My Mom forgot me in a shopping cart,
I was raised by stockboys, Sam and Art,
Do you remember our last dance,
I never wanted to change pants
With you, but we did,
And now you've got my keys.
It's regrettable, that water on the knees,
It's inedible, like a bowl of peas!

[The song is intterupted by a newscast. A weird alien called "Gol the Informer" speaks.]

Newsman:

We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. Today a swarm of giant biscuits attacked-

Brak:

Hey, you're interruptin' my song! Don'tcha know it's rude to interrupt?

Newsman:

You're absolutely right. I don't know what came over me.

Brak:

I'll be done in a second. Keep yer pants on!

Newsman:

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken off my pants.

Brak:

That's all right. Now where was I. Oh, yeah!

[Brak is standing on a cucumber in the middle of ocean waves.]

Brak:

I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber,
I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber,
I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber,
I'm a cucumber, I'm a cucumber,
Please don't take me to the pickle farm! Yeah!

[Brak appears in the newsman's screen]

Brak:

Okay, I'm done. It's all yours. Do your li'l story.

Newsman:

[clears throat] Today, war broke out between the cutout cookie people and the paper doll people. A spokesman for the paper doll people issued this statement.

Paper Doll:

The cutout cookie people refuse to hold hands! They must be destroyed.

Cookie:

We don't hold hands with no stinking paper dolls!

Newsman:

More on this shocking story later. And now, on with my pants.

[In the dressing room, Brak and Zorak are sitting on large alphabet blocks.]

Brak:

Hey, have you ever been eaten by a worm?

Zorak:

 Eh, not completely.

[There is a knock at the door, then Grape Ape sticks his head in.]

Grape Ape:

Grape Ape, Grape Ape.

Brak:

AAAAAAAA! A gorilililila!

Grape Ape:

I'm not a gorilililila, I'm a ape.

Brak:

Oh, okay.

Grape Ape:

Brak, I wanta be on your show.

Zorak:

What are your qualifications?

Brak:

Well, I have a funny voice, I can dress myself-

Zorak:

Not you, the ape!

Grape Ape:

Um, I like to ride on cars.

Brak:

Can ya sing?

Grape Ape:

No.

Brak:

I can't either, and I got two records out!

[Brak and Grape Ape laugh.]

Brak:

Go tell Wally you're on next.

Grape Ape:

You got it, little buddy. You're my friend.

[Grape Ape walks away]

Brak:

Watch your-

[WHAM from offscreen as Grape Ape presumably hits his head against the doorframe.]

Grape Ape:

Ow.

Brak:

-head.

Grape Ape:

Hurtie.

Zorak:

Wow, he's even dumber than you, Brak.

Brak:

Maybe that's why I love him so. Hey, Zorak, you wanta trade seats? Mine's wet.

Zorak:

I'm stuck to mine.

[Onstage]

Grape Ape:

I'm Grape Ape. I sing now.
I got a big fat squid in my refrigerator. Oooo, oooo!
I got a big fat squid in my refrigerator. Oooo, oooo!
I found him in the frozen food
I got him five new pairs of shoes
And now he lives in the refrigerator. Oooo, oo-oo!

I bought him for ninety-nine cents a pound,

Brakettes:

Oooo, shoop-shoop!

Grape Ape:

He cost forty-five dollars, weighs thirty-five pounds.

Brakettes:

Oooo, wop-wop!

Grape Ape:

I'm the cutest ape in the neighborhood
But my girlfriend treats me no good
I know she'd leave me if she could
Take the big fat squid in my refrigerator. Oooo.

[The music ende. Crickets chirp. One of the audience members shrugs.]

Grape Ape:

You clap now.

[The audience applauds. Grape Ape leaps about happily, shaking the entire theater.]

[Shot of a famous castle. Superimposed are the words: "Bount Brakula's Deep Dish of HORROR!" Dramatic musical sting.]

[Zorak is sitting in a living room, watching "The Umpire Strikes Brak on the TV.]

Brak:

Good ev-a-ning! I'm Count Brakula! I've come to suck yer blood!

[Brak poses. Dramatic musical sting.]

Zorak:

Go for it.

Brak:

Alright, just kiddin'. I've come to deliver... your pizza!

[Brak whips out a pizza box. Dramatic musical sting.]

Zorak:

D'jou remember the garlic crust?

Brak:

No no no! How many times do we have to tell you, no garlic crust!

[Brak poses. Dramatic musical sting.]

Zorak:

I like the garlic crust.

Brak:

We do the stuffed crust!

Zorak:

Ah - just out it on the table.

Brak:

A-a-as you wi-i-ish! That'll be fourteen dollars and seventy-five cents!

[Brak poses. Dramatic musical sting.]

Brak:

With the coupon!

[Brak poses. Dramatic musical sting.]

Zorak:

Put it on my tab. Heh-heh-heh.

Brak:

What about my tip?

Zorak:

Choke up on the bat.

Brak:

What?

Zorak:

Especially with two strikes. Choke up, hit the ball, run to first. That's how the game's played.

Brak:

That's a good tip. Hey, can y'do this?

[Brak turns into a bat]

Zorak:

Nuttin' to it. Watch.

[Zorak turns into a bat]

Zorak:

Check this out.

Brak:

You know how to undo this?

Zorak:

Nah, not really, no.

Brak:

Aw man. Wally!

[Both bats fly away.]

Wally:

Brak Presents The Brak Show Starring Brak is going to take a delicious hot dog break. But we'll be right back with special guest Diamond Dallas Page!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Wally:

Ah-ha, guess what? Ah-ha, WE'RE BACK!

[Onstage]

Wally:

There's something really interesting going on - over there. [He gestures at the stage. The camera remains on him.] Over there.

["Bananachek" title sequence runs]

Announcer:

Coming up on "Bananachek"

Brak: [wearing a banana costume]

I'm a private banana who bruises easily.

Announcer:

Tonight's episode: "Final A-Peel."

Brak:

It was three PM. I was working undercover at Bob's Bananarama. Someone had been stealing Bob's bananas, and he was as mad as a wet dog in a room where you're not allowed to shake yer dog! At 3:01 PM a suspicious lookin' character approached.

Allen:

Hello, Brak! It's me, Allen Wrench. Why you wearin' that banana suit, Brak? Hm?

Brak:

Allen, would you please not call me Brak? I'M UNDER COVER!

Allen:

Brak, that suit looks a little loose. You want it tightened? Because I can do that! I'm a wrench!

Brak:

Then why don't'cha make like a wrench and leave?

Allen:

Hey, that reminds me. I have a date tonight with Righty Tightie.

Brak:

What happened to Lefty Lucy?

Allen:

Ahh, she's got a screw loose.

Brak:

Mean she went nuts?

Allen:

Yeah! She broke Phillip's head! Then she bolted. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Announcer:

Next on "Bananachek-"

[Grape Ape is looking at the bananasuited Brak.]

Grape Ape:

Brak, I feel like I should eat you.

Brak:

Grape Ape, I'm not a banana, I'm wearin' a suit. Now get outta here!

Announcer:

That's tonight on "Bananacheck."

Brak: [still wearing the banana suit]

Here's Mr. Happy goodtimes laughing fun music mantis himself, Zorak!

Zorak:

This one's fer you, Mom! It's called "Smell You Later, Get a Job!"
No-one is the boss of me,
Brak's too ugly for TV!
Have you met my girlfriend Bob?
Smell ya later, get a job.

Brakettes:

Smell you later, get a job, smell you later, get a job, smell you later, get a job.

Zorak:

I'm the king of outer space,
Do I have something on my face?
I just ate the Beastie Boys!
Come on, Fuzzy, make some noise.

[Fuzzy, the keyboardist, makes some untranscribable quasi-scatting sounds.]

Zorak:

I am Zorak, hear me roar!
Had enough? I'll give ya more!
Pull my finger, here's a plan.
You be Chico, I'm the Man.

Brakettes:

You be Chico, he's the Man, you be Chico, he's the Man, you be Chico, he's the Man.

Zorak:

Let's go down to Chinatown,
Press a duck, kick a clown.
Play some Bocci with the Mob.
Smell ya later, get a job.

Brakettes:

Smell you later, get a job, smell you later, get a job, smell you later, get a job.

[Zorak scats in the background]

Brakettes:

Smell you later, smell you, smell.

[The audience applauds.]

[Backstage. Brak, disguised as Grape Ape, is standing around. Allen Wrench "walks" in.]

Allen:

Hello, Mr. Grape Ape. It's me, Allen Wrench. What's new at the zoo? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Brak: [imitating Grape Ape]

I don't live at the zoo, Allen. I live in a spacious condo that I bought with my own money.

Allen:

Say! You're not grape Ape. You're Brak! What're you doing in that Grape Ape costume, Brak?

Brak:

I'm just playin' a big ol' joke on Grape Ape. I don't-

[Grape Ape, disguised as Brak, walks in.]

Grape Ape:

Hey, everybody. It's me, Brak.

Allen:

Ha ha ha ha! But you sound like Grape Ape!

Grape Ape:

I have a cold. [coughs]

Brak:

Grape Ape, get outta my body! You're stretchin' my skin!

Allen: [who is now in Zorak's body]

Yeah! I want my body back too, Zorak!

Zorak: [Now in Allen's body]

Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha! Never! Ha-ha-ha! Not when I can become the most powerful wrench in the universe! Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Brak:

This is getting really confusing. Let's all get back to our own bodies.

[Cut to "technical difficulties" card. from the background come untranscribable sounds of confusion.]

[Cut back to backstage. Allen Wrench and Grape Ape appear normal, but Brak and Zorak have switched heads. Grape Ape and Allen laugh. Cut back to a different "Technical difficulties" card.]

Brak:

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Zorak and Diamond Dallas Page to sing a whiny baby song about how misunderstood they are!

Audience:

Oooooh!

DDP:

Hey, Brak! How about I come over there and change the oil on your face?

Audience:

Ohhhhh!

Brak:

I just had it changed. So I guess the joke's on you, ya big handsome bully!

[The audience laughs]

DDP:

Man.

Zorak:

What's the matter, DDP?

DDP:

That spaceman, he hurt my feelings. He called me a bully.

Zorak:

[sighs] People can be so cruel.

DDP:

I heard that.

[Music starts]

DDP:

People are so quick to judge, and shun my point of view.

Zorak:

They figger all you've got inside is quarts of globby goo.

DDP:

If they got to know DDP they'd know I have feelings too.

Zorak:

[snickers] Yer kiddin' right?

DDP:

No, it's true.

Zorak:

Oh.

DDP:

Oftentimes I'm quite confused and utterly distressed.

Zorak:

Like when ya pile drive some jerk and make his head a mess?

DDP:

It makes DDP sad to bang someone inta next week!

[DDP knocks Zorak off the stage. Zorak ends up caught in a scenery tree.]

Zorak:

I guess evil is only skin deep.

DDP:

Deep,

Brakettes:

Deep,

DDP:

Deep,

Brakettes:

Deep,

DDP:

Down in my guts,

Brakettes:

Guts,

DDP:

There must be a spark of goodness hiding.

Zorak:

What,

Brakettes:

What,

Zorak:

What,

Brakettes:

What,

Zorak:

What, are ya nuts?

Brakettes:

Nuts,

Zorak:

Who's ever take the time to find it?

DDP:

Hey, man, that hurts!

Zorak:

Y'alright?

DDP:

Yeah, I'm okay.

Zorak:

Since people are so quick to judge, why should you change?

Brakettes:

Why change?

DDP:

I live my life the way I like - happily deranged!

Brakettes:

Deranged.

Zorak:

So what if maybe now and then some havoc you wreak?

Brakettes:

Wreak.

DDP:

But evil is only skin deep.

Zorak:

Isn't it?

Both:

Evil is only skin deep.

[DDP knocks Zorak off the stage. The audience applauds.]

DDP:

How was that?

Zorak:

Eh, I thought it was half good. My half. Heh heh heh heh.

[DDP picks Zorak up by the neck and throws him toward Brak.]

Brak:

Hey, ev'rybuddy, look, it's Zora-!

[Zorak flies in and knocks Brak off the stage.]

[During this commercial, we see some particularly appalling examples of meat abuse behind Cowboy Buddy]

Buddy:

Howdy, pardners! I'm Cowboy Buddy for the Swollen Tick Family Restaurant! Neighbors! Are you hankerin' for adventure? Then stop by and take a nose-watering whiff of our world-famous jumbo mystery bucket! It's a sliced, diced, slammed, jammed, poked, paddled, cattle-prodded mess of crusty goodness! Come on down if you got the stomach for it! In fact, if you show up with a forty-six inch waistline, ho-ho-goldang it, chubby, we'll cook you up and eat you ourselves! That's the Swollen Tick Family Restaurant, where the food fights back! Yeehaw!

Wally:

Here's a song for all the ladies in the audience. Ah-ha-ha-ha, you know who you are. Hit it, boys!

[A baseball clobbers Wally.]

Wally:

Ooh! That wasn't nice. Play nice!

[Music starts. Brak, Zorak, and the Braktonics are on an incredible '70s-ish stage.]

Brak:

I want a girl who thinks I'm smart
About stars 'n cars 'n birds 'n worms 'n art.
I want a girl,
Someone who won't think I'm dumb...
As I am! And that's dumb!

Zorak:

Ya can say that again.

Brak:

And that's dumb!

Zorak:

Don't say that again.

Brak:

Whatever you say.

Zorak:

Allright, I'm singin' now.
I want a girl who thinks I'm cute
Even when I wear my birthday suit!

Brakettes:

Nasty!

Zorak:

I want a girl,
Ah, someone who likes long walks in the rain, yeah...
And burgalry! And larceny! And bribery!

Brak:

Zorak!

Zorak:

What?

Brak:

Next verse!

Both:

Oh, we don't care about shape or size,

Zorak:

True, we don't.

Brak:

Or number of heads or tails or horns or eyes.

Both:

We like girls

Zorak:

Yes, it's true, we really do...

Both:

We like girls!

Brakettes:

Bop-bop-bop-bop,

Both:

We like girls!

Brakettes:

Bop-bop-bop-bop,

Both:

We like girls!

Brakettes:

Bop-bop-bop-bop,

Both:

We like girls!

[The audience aplauds.]

Wally:

Bravo! Encore! Encore! Splendid!

[Brak, Zorak and the Braktonics are standing on food in a giant barbecue. Or maybe they've been shrunk down.]

Brak:

When you fall in love it's like falling in love, it's like barbecue,

Zorak:

Mmm, barbecue.

Brak:

I'll bring the sauce and you bring the pork, we'll barbecue.

Zorak:

Barbetty-barbecue.

Brak:

I thought that it would be dinner for one,
Now we're basting our cutlets and toasting our buns.

Zorak:

Toasting our bu-u-u-u-u-u-uns.
Man, I'm good.

Brak:

Let's barbecue, we'll rendez-vous, where boy meets grill-AAAGH!

[The lid slams down on the grill.]

Brak:

Good night, everybody!

[as the credits roll] Gonna let us out? [knocks] Let us out. [knocks, and keeps knocking as he speaks] I wanna get outta here! C'mon, it's dark and I'm afraid of the dark, let us out, I wanna get out! Ah ha, I wanna get out! Aaaaa, I want out!  [Brak cries heartrendingly.] Oh, look, pizza.

[Roll credits:]