Aries (Mar 20 - Apr 19)
Today is Aries. Well, Aries, simply put, your love life stinks. Just kidding! Heh heh! Actually, today's your lucky day. For today true love will surely come your way. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Not really! Heh-heh-heh. Oh, what's this? My goodness, you're being run over by a truck! Ha ha, no-no-no-no-no-no, juuust joshin' ya. Hmm, the fact of the matter is that your star's sort of fogged in today. Maybe you better just stay in bed, watch your stories.
Taurus (Apr 19 - May 20)
Attention, Taurus. Stop with the caveman fantasy, Conan, it's time you washed your hair. It smells funny. While you're at it you might as well wash ALL over. Stop using water conservation as an excuse to be stinky! You know why your girlfriend hasn't complained about it? 'Cause she won't come near ya, that's why.
Gemini (May 20 - Jun 21)
Attention, Gemini. As a result of the earmuff incident, your roommate now thinks you're completely evil. When friends call, she tells them you're out jogging - with the devil! Plus, she believes the only way to save you is by eating the meat portions of your frozen dinners. Time to bury the hatchet, so to speak.
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
Attention, Cancer! You're a man after me own heart, yuk yuk yuk. You don't take nuttin' from nobody. But you might wanna cut your sweetie some slack. The other day when she asked you to pass the sugar, you started ranting and raving about being your own man and not taking orders from any stupid girl! Hey, all she wanted was a little sugar.
Leo (Jul 22 - Aug 22)
Today is Leooooo. It's time to stop dressing like Strawberry Shortcake. It's creepy. A hairy guy like you should leave the pink dresses and striped tights at home! I know you got big laughs in the second grade n' all the girls wanted to sit by ya, but now the only girl who'll come near you is your shrink! Face it, it's not cute any more.
Virgo (Aug 22 - Sep 22)
Attention Virgo! You thought Peggy Sue would be surprised by your little spur-of-the-moment visit. She was. You scared the pants off her! Literally! But fear not, that certain someone who pointed out that you had a booger on your shirt the other day has forgotten the whole incident. Heh heh.
Libra (Sep 22 - Oct 23)
Attention Libra! I'm sorry to report that in the next few months you'll discover a large ugly lump on your neck. It's your HEAD! Mwaahaahaahaa! So don't pick at it, it'll just make it worse. Mwaahaahaahaa! Hey, does your head hurt? Well, it's killin' me! Mwaahaahaahaa! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, I love this job.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Today is Scorpio. Emphasis on travel, communicaion, and problem solving. Start with figuring out how to use your deodorant. Also, your moon position is disturbing. Spandex no longer flatters you. Too many cheeseburgers, I fear. Today, try saying no to ground meat, processed cheese, and salt buns. Thank you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Today is Sagittarius. Your roommate is out to get you. You think he's being nice when he folds your laundry, but he's actually wearing your underwear around before he puts it in your drawers! And he's out to steal your girlfriend too. Maybe you should buy her some chocolates. And I don't mean Tootsie Rolls, pallsy, buy her the expensive assorted kind with the gooey unpredictable centers! If that don't work, beg.
Capricorn (Dec 21 - Jan 19)
Today is Caaapricornnnn. Focus on finance, frisbee throwing, and fish chowder. Today, a seldom heard from family member will declare, "Cross my path again and you're history!" So, better watch your backside. Oh, and stop singin' in the shower so much. You're scaring Grandma.
Aquarius (Jan 19 - Feb 18)
Today is Aquariusss. Hey, Aquarius, who d'ya think ya are, Aquaman? Get outta the tub already! Nothing wrong with bathing every now and then, but people are startin' to talk about how much time yer spendin' in the tub! Whaddaya doin' in there anyway? You better stop singing that stupid "Age of Aquarius" song and start singin' "Superfreak", 'cause that's what you're turning into, buddy!
Pisces (Feb 18 - Mar 20)
Today is pisces. Learn to live life to the fullest. Start with a big breakfast. But, hey, nobody lives forever, stop with the fiber already! Oh, and I see good financial news in your future - in about thirty or forty years! Mwaahaahaahaahaahaa!